I started a very different post but, now, after a phone call…I’m feeling very different. So, I’m changing the direction of the post accordingly. In some ways, I feel like my life is so messed up. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that I’m privileged, blessed, etc. And I’m grateful for what I have, especially after everything that went down last summer. Also because I didn’t have all that I had before. I’m happier, in other ways, than I’ve been in a long time. But it’s still a struggle living paycheck to paycheck and not doing…something.
He told me that I’m mission oriented. Maybe I am. I’ve never stopped to think about it like, but it could be true. That could be part of the reason why, every week around this time and almost every night during the week, I want to cry. I did cry one morning last week. This afternoon, I almost did. Right now, I almost did. This afternoon, I took deep breaths and told myself it was okay. I
could can do this.
It. will. be. okay.
My emotions are all over the place, which I attribute to a few different things. It doesn’t help that my mom’s birthday is this month. Followed by my father’s next month. Their…seems weird to use “anniversary” in this context, but that date is in December.
I have some things to look forward to. That I wouldn’t be able to do if I wasn’t in the position I’m in. I’m grateful for that. I just…I don’t know.
I keep wanting to write but then don’t. Or starting but don’t finish. Hoping to just get some things down tonight.
Life is going okay. I’m working on happiness in my life. There are definitely some things I’m happy about: relationship, higher salary, new apartment. But some things I’m not so happy about as well. I think, in this post, I’ll focus on the things I am happy about/grateful for.
I’m in a relationship with someone who loves me. It’s difficult because sometimes I’m tempted to wonder if it’s fake. It’s hard to accept love when you don’t think you deserve it. However, I’m grateful for vacation planning and the thought that went into the possibility of traveling an extra 2 hours to take me to the Harry Potter theme park. Asking me to smile because it makes him happy. [Almost] no matter what happens, I hope I can remember that it is possible for me to be loved, and I deserve it.
Higher salary because it’s allowed me to save and start to pay down my credit card in a way that doesn’t help me feel as strapped for cash. I’m also able to pay the devil that is my student loan payment.
New apartment because 4 walls and no roaches! Also (for both the new and old apartment), for friends who allow me to make their home my home. Last summer was rough #WontHeDoIt
This week has been..ridiculous. I have done almost zero work the entire week. I’m in grad school. That is a problem. It’s going to be difficult, I think, trying to do work this weekend, but I’m going to try to be strategic about what I take with me. I’m really disappointed in myself, but going to try to just jump back on the bandwagon…not trying to start the semester off stressed/overwhelmed already..or at least not because I’m doing what I can.
I think I pride myself on doing my best. I haven’t been this week, for different reasons..sometimes I’m just tired..sometimes I just have no motivation..idk. I wish I could start this week over.
I need to get it together!