Evenings

I started a very different post but, now, after a phone call…I’m feeling very different. So, I’m changing the direction of the post accordingly. In some ways, I feel like my life is so messed up. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that I’m privileged, blessed, etc. And I’m grateful for what I have, especially after everything that went down last summer. Also because I didn’t have all that I had before. I’m happier, in other ways, than I’ve been in a long time. But it’s still a struggle living paycheck to paycheck and not doing…something.

He told me that I’m mission oriented. Maybe I am. I’ve never stopped to think about it like, but it could be true. That could be part of the reason why, every week around this time and almost every night during the week, I want to cry. I did cry one morning last week. This afternoon, I almost did. Right now, I almost did. This afternoon, I took deep breaths and told myself it was okay. I could can do this.

It. will. be. okay.

My emotions are all over the place, which I attribute to a few different things. It doesn’t help that my mom’s birthday is this month. Followed by my father’s next month. Their…seems weird to use “anniversary” in this context, but that date is in December.

I have some things to look forward to. That I wouldn’t be able to do if I wasn’t in the position I’m in. I’m grateful for that. I just…I don’t know.

I’m tired.

Change Always Coming

It’s normal for there to be highs and lows in life, right?

One of the many, unfortunate normals of life, I suppose.

There are some changes happening in my life, and I’m happy about them. For different reasons, including selfish ones. But I’ve found as they become closer and closer to taking place, it also makes me long to have my mother here. I wonder if I’m the only one or if my sister feels the same way. I’m sure she does.

I made a trip home recently. I usually don’t like going home…and tend to shy away from large family gatherings. As nice as these things are (I’ve written before), they tend to remind me more that my mother isn’t (t)here. This time was different though. We stayed with different people throughout the week. There was a fairly large family gathering. There was also some family drama (of course lol). But it was good. It was the first time, in a long time, that it wasn’t awful being home.  I guess that’s good. I’m sure it is..and I’m sure that means something.

But right now…I’ve given myself a timeframe for accomplishing things I want to do. One way or another it involves me moving this time next year. My sister is making some changes of her own. I know she’s nervous about it, I would be too. But I think it’s good for her. Change, however, makes us, almost involuntarily, want to look to our parents.

That’s the hard part. Looking for people who aren’t here. Not knowing, at times, who to turn instead. Or knowing, but still..it just not quite being right. For some reason I’m scared about my moments of longing for my mother overwhelms me…in this season of change I’ll be in not-quite-completely-new surroundings. And I’m not sure how I’ll express myself…or if I will. That will be something I’ll have to work on.

I saw the following quote on Goodreads semi-recently:

“A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones.” – Kristin Hannah, Summer Island 

It’s been almost 6 years. SIX years. I still can’t believe it. Almost 2 for my father. My age doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, I’m still a little girl wanting her parents.

I screenshot the quote when I saw it. Sometimes I feel like I’m drawn to sad things. But I don’t need to be reminded of this quote. It actually embodies some of what I read in a book about women whose mothers have died. Quite accurate it is. I think I keep thinking that it’ll get easier the older I get. Even though I know it’s not true. In some ways, it actually seems to be ‘getting’ worse.

& Now

I moved. Super happy for the big picture. I wasn’t at all happy where I was. Although I had semi-recently formed some friendships…so I was sad to leave those, but I know our friendship won’t end just because I’m not there. Being laid off from your job definitely has pros/cons. I keep telling myself (and others) that I’m trying to look at this as an opportunity. As I was telling my cousin yesterday, if I hadn’t been laid off, I’m not sure when I would have moved/left. Despite my desire to leave, I was also afraid of quitting my job to just pick up and move. But part of that decision was taken away from me, so here I am lol

It’s been pretty good so far. I’ve missed the city, the diversity, the food, my friends. Still looking for a job, but that’s to be expected. I was talking to my cousin yesterday about my future and not getting stuck again. I’ve never been a risk taker, but I’m at the point in my life where many things are a risk. Especially if I want to continue on this search for happiness. Here I’m reminding myself that the word I chose for this year was endeavor. Which, for me, includes some aspect of risk. I don’t like that lol But I guess that’s why it’s good.

This weekend my uncle has been visiting…I haven’t seen him in a long while, so it’s been nice. He’s also helping his daughter with some things around the house and his granddaughter with some things. Sometimes I get sad watching them. That’s why I decided to write here, it’s one way for me to express the combination of: being happy to see him, happy seeing him help and just the dynamic of his relationship with the two of them..plus my own sadness/memories.

Anyway. I’m definitely going to try to be more intentional with my pursuit of employment.  I’m not trying to have more jobs I dislike…escaping from darkness can be liberating, but the threat still lingers..and I don’t want to go back to that place.

This is an anomaly for me…two posts so close together. But what am I to do at 2am when I’m mulling over things. I think I’ve liked quotes for awhile, but recently I’ve become all about them. I got The Fault In Our Stars as a birthday gift and read it voraciously over the course of  2 days. I probably could have finished it faster, but I did need to sleep and study lol I loved that book and I want to reread it. It was a beautifully sad book. One thing that one of the characters said stuck with me and I’m certain I marked the page to write it down later. But it is the focus of my thoughts this early/late morning: “Grief does not change you…It reveals you.”

Immediately I think to myself that whoever does read my blog is tired of ‘hearing’ me write about this. But I’m sure a number of individuals would tell me that I can if I want to…I should if I want to…and it is my blog after all lol People don’t HAVE to read. But I digress.

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I try to think of who I was “before”. That’s kind of what I’ve come to think of my life as. Or at least what I’m thinking right now. Who knows, in the morning this could change. There was “before” and there’s now. Obviously I’m not the same as I was “before”. Aside from the ‘events’, time has passed. Regardless I’d have changed. But is there irreparable damage? Sometimes I feel I’m a great deal more callous than I was. I don’t like that I’m like that..I’ve never said I was a really nice person lol I’m sarcastic and monotone, deadpan at times, but callous was not a word I’d have used to describe myself in the past. “Before”. It’s shameful. The logical part of me knows I can’t blame all things on grief. Hindsight is 20/20, it’s true. But hurt people hurt people is also true.

If grief reveals me…I’m not sure I like what its uncovered.

Two weeks ago I had a relatively good week. Definitely wasn’t expected, but I thought it would be fleeting. & it was. But I was talking to C about it and how since I was ‘distracted’, essentially, things didn’t seem as bad.  I’ve been here before…last semester, the day before I was going to see my father, I was pretty happy. Still dealing with my mother’s death, but with C’s help I felt like I was finally making some type of progress. Finally seeing beyond the fog. And then my father died and all of a sudden I was plunged back into the same arena I thought I was emerging from.

Going through the stages of grief I recognize the emotions and thoughts I’m having in regards to my father as similar to the ones I had when my mother died. Of course there are differences because the relationship I had with my father was vastly different from the one I had with my mother. To this, however, we add a third line of now having neither of them which is an entirely different matter. It’s hard to sort through these things, especially given everything else going on…trying to graduate, figuring out what to do after graduation/with my life, along with the other things constantly running across my mind. For someone as analytical as I am, all of this is frustrating and even makes me angry. Recently I’ve been thinking that if I post/say/do something “normal”, that means I’m not…sad (seems inadequate, but it’ll do). Logically, I know that’s not true and I don’t have to put on a happy face..or a sad one for that matter. I don’t have to feel guilty for being happy sometimes or for having a good day. A good week. Smiling. Laughing. By that same token, it’s also okay if I’m angry or sad or whatever the case may be.

It’s only been 2 months and 5 days…I tell myself on a fairly regular basis that I shouldn’t feel the way I do, but it hasn’t been that long. Even if it had been, the fact remains that any death leaves behind its mark on loved ones. And that’s okay. C tells me all the time to give myself permission to feel. Permission to…be angry, be sad, not talk, keep to myself, be…whatever it is that I am. It’s hard for me to do that, but I am going to try. At the same time, I will try to give myself permission to smile when I want to or laugh or have fun.

I’ve lost a lot of motivation…it seems things happen right in the thick of everything else. I have decisions to make and things to think about, but at the same time I’m trying to process all of this and it can be overwhelming. Balance is all off lol Again, I think C would say that’s okay. She’s always talking about taking “baby steps” lol So I’ll try to do that I guess. Take the things I need to do and kind of prioritize and do them in steps. That’s all I can do at this point. I want to avoid going to the place I was in when my mom died, but somehow it seems inevitable because my father’s death automatically makes me relive my mom’s while also having its own nuances. It’s all wrapped up together. I’m deciding to try to fight it and try to remember that as I emerged from the fog before, it can happen again. But the process is not to be rushed. Right now my only goal is not to give up. Despite…everything…I cannot give up.

Oh, hi…

I’m going to try to make this quick since I’m tired and want to get up early.

I haven’t written in awhile. It’s weird. I think awhile ago I was realizing how much I write here and was wondering if that was good or not. I was actually considering closing/canceling my account. But I haven’t as yet.

This has been a really difficult semester. It’s over though, thank God. But it’s been hard.

This semester I saw a new counselor lady. Let’s call her B. She’s my age, which was weird sometimes, but kinda cool too, I think. I like her..she reminds me a little of one of my kids, actually. She’s definitely different than the one I had last year, but I like her. She’s really nice. Very personable and easy to talk to. She teared up when I talk about my mom and how I feel and stuff. I can tell she really empathizes with me. I usually swallowed my tears when they threaten to come to the surface during one of our “sessions”. B gave me an assignment once…not to push down my emotions or feelings when I get sad or whatever, when it comes to my mom. It’s an interesting situation, though, because I don’t necessarily/really want to talk about it, but I’m not supposed to push it down either. So I had to find other ways to deal with it. But now I’ve taken to applying that to multiple areas. I’ve always been an emotional person, I just don’t show those emotions. She has me showing them now. I told her I blamed her for my reaction to things being tears now. Madness.

Though this semester has been tough, it’s also had some good as well. I’ve gained a renewed appreciation for the people in my life. I have a really good support system and amazing friends and sisters. Trying to get reconnected with some people who I haven’t talked to in awhile. But yay to them and who they are…and who they will be. Additionally, I’ve met new people, who I now can’t imagine my life without. And I’m thankful for that.

Anyway. Talking to B every week has definitely helped me out, our last session was last week and I’m taking it better than I thought, I think. I kind of miss the sessions though, is that weird? She asked me how I felt about it and I told her I had gotten used to it…to talking things through with her and…I guess to her “probing” questions. She had me thinking about things sometimes in ways I hadn’t before or even when I didn’t want to think/talk about them. Not that she forced me to talk. Because she didn’t. I think I kind of felt like, I might as well talk to her, that’s what I came for. Anyway. I guess that’s all for now. Maybe more later.

missing  my mother. told the story tonight, haven’t told it in awhile. everyone is sleep or…away, somehow, but…idk…I’ve been doing “good”, been “okay”, lately. I think so, anyway. big changes and the holidays are coming, though, so..inevitably, these familiar, not quite dormant feelings of pain and loss resurface. not that they were ever below the surface…just…so much other stuff piled on top of it, sometimes it’s hard to see. but it’s always there.

sometimes I just want her, you know?

have to remember that I’m not alone. God is always here and He loves me. He knows my pain and understands it and He can comfort me, though I often feel inconsolable. He can do what seems to be impossible. He cares. He knows. I don’t understand and, honestly, not sure I want to…because it wouldn’t make me feel any better, necessarily. But He is here.

might need to go back after all. idk.

I miss you, Lady. So very much…and that is still an understatement. Can’t wait until I see you again.