Change Always Coming

It’s normal for there to be highs and lows in life, right?

One of the many, unfortunate normals of life, I suppose.

There are some changes happening in my life, and I’m happy about them. For different reasons, including selfish ones. But I’ve found as they become closer and closer to taking place, it also makes me long to have my mother here. I wonder if I’m the only one or if my sister feels the same way. I’m sure she does.

I made a trip home recently. I usually don’t like going home…and tend to shy away from large family gatherings. As nice as these things are (I’ve written before), they tend to remind me more that my mother isn’t (t)here. This time was different though. We stayed with different people throughout the week. There was a fairly large family gathering. There was also some family drama (of course lol). But it was good. It was the first time, in a long time, that it wasn’t awful being home.  I guess that’s good. I’m sure it is..and I’m sure that means something.

But right now…I’ve given myself a timeframe for accomplishing things I want to do. One way or another it involves me moving this time next year. My sister is making some changes of her own. I know she’s nervous about it, I would be too. But I think it’s good for her. Change, however, makes us, almost involuntarily, want to look to our parents.

That’s the hard part. Looking for people who aren’t here. Not knowing, at times, who to turn instead. Or knowing, but still..it just not quite being right. For some reason I’m scared about my moments of longing for my mother overwhelms me…in this season of change I’ll be in not-quite-completely-new surroundings. And I’m not sure how I’ll express myself…or if I will. That will be something I’ll have to work on.

I saw the following quote on Goodreads semi-recently:

“A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones.” – Kristin Hannah, Summer Island 

It’s been almost 6 years. SIX years. I still can’t believe it. Almost 2 for my father. My age doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, I’m still a little girl wanting her parents.

I screenshot the quote when I saw it. Sometimes I feel like I’m drawn to sad things. But I don’t need to be reminded of this quote. It actually embodies some of what I read in a book about women whose mothers have died. Quite accurate it is. I think I keep thinking that it’ll get easier the older I get. Even though I know it’s not true. In some ways, it actually seems to be ‘getting’ worse.

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Two weeks ago I had a relatively good week. Definitely wasn’t expected, but I thought it would be fleeting. & it was. But I was talking to C about it and how since I was ‘distracted’, essentially, things didn’t seem as bad.  I’ve been here before…last semester, the day before I was going to see my father, I was pretty happy. Still dealing with my mother’s death, but with C’s help I felt like I was finally making some type of progress. Finally seeing beyond the fog. And then my father died and all of a sudden I was plunged back into the same arena I thought I was emerging from.

Going through the stages of grief I recognize the emotions and thoughts I’m having in regards to my father as similar to the ones I had when my mother died. Of course there are differences because the relationship I had with my father was vastly different from the one I had with my mother. To this, however, we add a third line of now having neither of them which is an entirely different matter. It’s hard to sort through these things, especially given everything else going on…trying to graduate, figuring out what to do after graduation/with my life, along with the other things constantly running across my mind. For someone as analytical as I am, all of this is frustrating and even makes me angry. Recently I’ve been thinking that if I post/say/do something “normal”, that means I’m not…sad (seems inadequate, but it’ll do). Logically, I know that’s not true and I don’t have to put on a happy face..or a sad one for that matter. I don’t have to feel guilty for being happy sometimes or for having a good day. A good week. Smiling. Laughing. By that same token, it’s also okay if I’m angry or sad or whatever the case may be.

It’s only been 2 months and 5 days…I tell myself on a fairly regular basis that I shouldn’t feel the way I do, but it hasn’t been that long. Even if it had been, the fact remains that any death leaves behind its mark on loved ones. And that’s okay. C tells me all the time to give myself permission to feel. Permission to…be angry, be sad, not talk, keep to myself, be…whatever it is that I am. It’s hard for me to do that, but I am going to try. At the same time, I will try to give myself permission to smile when I want to or laugh or have fun.

I’ve lost a lot of motivation…it seems things happen right in the thick of everything else. I have decisions to make and things to think about, but at the same time I’m trying to process all of this and it can be overwhelming. Balance is all off lol Again, I think C would say that’s okay. She’s always talking about taking “baby steps” lol So I’ll try to do that I guess. Take the things I need to do and kind of prioritize and do them in steps. That’s all I can do at this point. I want to avoid going to the place I was in when my mom died, but somehow it seems inevitable because my father’s death automatically makes me relive my mom’s while also having its own nuances. It’s all wrapped up together. I’m deciding to try to fight it and try to remember that as I emerged from the fog before, it can happen again. But the process is not to be rushed. Right now my only goal is not to give up. Despite…everything…I cannot give up.

Oh, hi…

I’m going to try to make this quick since I’m tired and want to get up early.

I haven’t written in awhile. It’s weird. I think awhile ago I was realizing how much I write here and was wondering if that was good or not. I was actually considering closing/canceling my account. But I haven’t as yet.

This has been a really difficult semester. It’s over though, thank God. But it’s been hard.

This semester I saw a new counselor lady. Let’s call her B. She’s my age, which was weird sometimes, but kinda cool too, I think. I like her..she reminds me a little of one of my kids, actually. She’s definitely different than the one I had last year, but I like her. She’s really nice. Very personable and easy to talk to. She teared up when I talk about my mom and how I feel and stuff. I can tell she really empathizes with me. I usually swallowed my tears when they threaten to come to the surface during one of our “sessions”. B gave me an assignment once…not to push down my emotions or feelings when I get sad or whatever, when it comes to my mom. It’s an interesting situation, though, because I don’t necessarily/really want to talk about it, but I’m not supposed to push it down either. So I had to find other ways to deal with it. But now I’ve taken to applying that to multiple areas. I’ve always been an emotional person, I just don’t show those emotions. She has me showing them now. I told her I blamed her for my reaction to things being tears now. Madness.

Though this semester has been tough, it’s also had some good as well. I’ve gained a renewed appreciation for the people in my life. I have a really good support system and amazing friends and sisters. Trying to get reconnected with some people who I haven’t talked to in awhile. But yay to them and who they are…and who they will be. Additionally, I’ve met new people, who I now can’t imagine my life without. And I’m thankful for that.

Anyway. Talking to B every week has definitely helped me out, our last session was last week and I’m taking it better than I thought, I think. I kind of miss the sessions though, is that weird? She asked me how I felt about it and I told her I had gotten used to it…to talking things through with her and…I guess to her “probing” questions. She had me thinking about things sometimes in ways I hadn’t before or even when I didn’t want to think/talk about them. Not that she forced me to talk. Because she didn’t. I think I kind of felt like, I might as well talk to her, that’s what I came for. Anyway. I guess that’s all for now. Maybe more later.

Today

This post is going to be fairly short (looking at it, clearly it isn’t that short lol) & I’m combining it with another post from the “A Time For Everything” notebook thing I got from the counseling lady. Let’s get that over with:

If there was something I would have added to your service, it would have been: 

I can’t think of anything that I would add. I definitely wish we didn’t have to have it at all..but…I don’t necessarily remember the entire day as a fluid motion of time. Even though I wrote a post about it, it is more like a day of flashes, sort of. I guess it was “nice”. A lot of people came. A lot of people were sad. The days following were hard though, but, like I said. I can’t think of anything I would have added. My sister & I wrote part of the eulogy and we contributed some songs to be played. I think that was nice and important for us..to feel like we were doing something for you/to help out. *shrugs*

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On another note, this has been an interesting semester. Quite stressful, in various ways and not even just for me. For other people that I know as well. I was going to say a lot has happened and, in some ways, a lot has. My heart aches for the pain my sisters and other friends are feeling. Then it also reminds me of my own pain, weird thing going on. On top of that, the semester is drawing to a close, summer plans need to be finalized, I need a job, have to start thinking about after graduation. Idk. Although under sad circumstances, I met one of the strongest families this past week. They are hurting, but are still trying and determined to press into God. While I can’t help but think that my reaction was the exact opposite, it also encourages me a bit. I’m praying for them and thankful to have them as an example.

I was telling Crown Jewel yesterday that it is important to listen to music about God. I’ve been pretty upset with Him lately and, unconsciously, haven’t been listening to any music that talks about God. On the train ride home, I started listening to some and I felt my entire being start to feel…better? different? I don’t know. But I’m glad I have been doing it. Hillsong, Sidewalk Prophets, Bryan Pound, Smokie Norful and a few others have really been standing out to me. I think it is some progress. Also, just thinking about where I am in life and where I want to go (career wise and personally)..just..idk. Sorry, I can’t put it into words as well. I feel lighter, though. I’ve felt so heavy, consistently, since December 7, 2009. I don’t know. Maybe I have a little hope. I want to step out in faith. I do. Pain..whatever type it may be, can be such a hindrance in your life. Whatever it stems from, it’s like it is determined to slowly, but surely eat its way through every aspect of your life until there is nothing left. But..I think of all the people who I want to help and encourage and who I tell not to give up. All of that means I can’t give up earlier. And I’m still hurt, in so much pain, but I have to keep going. So..I say all of that to say, today I am feeling a bit encouraged. Stressed and tired, lol, but also encouraged. I miss my mother. I always will. Some days will be better than others. But today, I’m encouraged.

So…

I definitely think I need to go back to counseling. I was supposed to do it anyway, just not with the same lady. And I had/have every intention of doing so, but I think as more days go by I was like, “well, no. I’m fine.”

Today and yesterday I didn’t feel fine. Even with the people I have to talk about it..about her…I still think counseling is a good idea. The lady did too lol Guess that’s why we agreed to it. So I suppose I have some phone calls/emails to make.

My birthday is coming up. A little excited. I was asked if I was and I said no. Not as excited as I could/should be perhaps. But it should be cool. Maybe it isn’t so much that I’m not excited, but it just isn’t the same.

I used to have a post it on my desktop that says what she would/will say on my birthday. I think maybe when I switched computers I forgot to put it on this one. I’ll have to put it back. She would/will call me and say, “Happy Birthday, Sweetie Pie. I love you.” and probably make a statement about how I was the cutest baby (to which I will reply, “I know” lol) and maybe even cry. A few tears, at least. I would probably get an email or two also.

I miss her.

Somewhere Out There

Does anyone remember the song, “Somewhere Out There”? It’s from the movie American Tail. The one about the mice…Fiefel? Just me? And Ace? lol I haven’t seen that movie in SO long. But the song came first on my Disney Pandora Station (make one, if you like Disney movies..it will change your life) and I remember hearing it like, “…wait..I KNOW this song…” lol Anyway, I was telling a friend of mine yesterday (and I have told Ace before) that the song makes me sad, it makes me want to cry, almost. My friend asked me why and I tried to pinpoint it. I’m not sure I really thought through why this song brought a bit of sadness to my mind, but then I realized it sort of made me think of my mom. The first line of the song  is Somewhere out there/beneath the pale moonlight/someone’s thinking of me/and loving me tonight. Thinking about it, that was one thing that really saddened me and tore my heart when my mom died. I always sort of, whether consciously or unconsciously, thought to myself that no matter what, no matter what happens, my mom will always be out there. I can always go back to her if I need to or want to, or if something goes wrong. This song kind of reminds me of that thought and how, after she died, one of the few things I could think was that I don’t have anyone to go back to. Or I don’t have her to go back to. Mom was synonymous with home so in my heart, all of that took on new meaning without her.

In writing this, I had to also ask myself if I still feel this way. I can honestly say I have felt like this for almost 2 years. And I can’t say it has gone away, but I think maybe I feel a bit differently too. Home will never be the same without her. Christmas/New Year’s was so hard…but I did get to see my family and my sister, all of whom I haven’t seen in about a year. So that was good. But at the same time, once night fell, all I could think about was her and how she wasn’t there. Maybe “home” has taken on a different meaning for me now. While I still wish my mom was here/want her here…I no longer feel completely lost. Well. I do, at times, but it’s also like I have these little beacons out there to draw me in or draw me back. And I am grateful for these people. They can’t imagine how I need them.

So, yes. All of this from a song from a cartoon. People sleep on cartoon soundtracks…but they have some heartfelt things in there.

Never Forget

Something that I remember you saying that I don’t ever want to forget is:

I think there are a few things I could put here. Or I could be generic and say ‘everything’.

You always encouraged me in whatever it was that I was doing and always, always told me to include God in it. I think that’s what I won’t forget. Even when/though I was/am mad at God throughout this whole thing or whatever issues I would be having with Him..in the back of my mind, I hear you saying that even still He is the only way that I can make it through..even being mad at Him.

Maybe I can say that’s the one thing…to always keep God first, keep God in it, keep God with it, and seek Him first  above all else and above all others.

Matthew 6:33 (NLT) says, “Seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”

You lived that everyday, to the best of your ability. That isn’t to say you didn’t make mistakes, because you did…not perfect at all. But I believe that you tried your hardest to live as God would have you to and you were truly a woman after His heart. I will never forget that.