This is an anomaly for me…two posts so close together. But what am I to do at 2am when I’m mulling over things. I think I’ve liked quotes for awhile, but recently I’ve become all about them. I got The Fault In Our Stars as a birthday gift and read it voraciously over the course of 2 days. I probably could have finished it faster, but I did need to sleep and study lol I loved that book and I want to reread it. It was a beautifully sad book. One thing that one of the characters said stuck with me and I’m certain I marked the page to write it down later. But it is the focus of my thoughts this early/late morning: “Grief does not change you…It reveals you.”
Immediately I think to myself that whoever does read my blog is tired of ‘hearing’ me write about this. But I’m sure a number of individuals would tell me that I can if I want to…I should if I want to…and it is my blog after all lol People don’t HAVE to read. But I digress.
I try to think of who I was “before”. That’s kind of what I’ve come to think of my life as. Or at least what I’m thinking right now. Who knows, in the morning this could change. There was “before” and there’s now. Obviously I’m not the same as I was “before”. Aside from the ‘events’, time has passed. Regardless I’d have changed. But is there irreparable damage? Sometimes I feel I’m a great deal more callous than I was. I don’t like that I’m like that..I’ve never said I was a really nice person lol I’m sarcastic and monotone, deadpan at times, but callous was not a word I’d have used to describe myself in the past. “Before”. It’s shameful. The logical part of me knows I can’t blame all things on grief. Hindsight is 20/20, it’s true. But hurt people hurt people is also true.
If grief reveals me…I’m not sure I like what its uncovered.
I was thinking…just now (lol) that I don’t think I really believe in myself. That’s not good. Looking back, that’s definitely detrimental to my goals, dreams, ambitions, etc. It can be difficult to have a support system when, at the end of the day, you aren’t even behind yourself. If, after everyone leaves and the other voices are gone…my own isn’t even in support of me.
Maybe that’s also a bit of the reason why I seek affirmation so often from people. Constantly questioning/wondering where I am or where I fall in people’s lives. Which, to an extent, I guess most people do at some point, maybe, in life. But I put a little too much emphasis on it. Feeling lost in life is partly because even though I may have things I want to do or am interested in doing…I don’t really think I could/can do them.
That’s kinda depressing, right? Difficult to succeed when I don’t have confidence in myself or my abilities. My graduation date has been pushed back and, though I’m still a little shaky about these new changes I’m making, I’m kind of glad I’m not graduating. I don’t know what I would do or where I would go when I’m finished.
“…the more I realize that God’s ideal for His creation will never match the world’s- one relies upon the spirit of man as called out in faith by the omniscient and sovereign Creator of the universe while the other results from the manipulation and subsequent distortion of the spirit of man in order to appease a temporary and ephemeral world standard. Such an incongruity is easy to overlook when we believe that if we could just fit society’s image then everything else in life would fall into place. But a place of peace based on society’s standards doesn’t exist. On the contrary, the yearning to mirror society’s image leaves us hungering for more. Because our self-esteem is rooted in our spirit, our longing to know who we are in Christ cannot be answered by countless diet and exercise programs in an attempt to remake our physical beings. Such a pursuit leaves our spiritual longing unanswered. Such a pursuit never silences the voices. Instead, the voices from without eventually are joined by the voices from within.”
Regina Franklin, “Who Calls Me Beautiful? Finding Our True Image in the Mirror of God”
The problem isn’t that you aren’t _____________ (beautiful, loved, valued,important, forgiven, worth it, etc..fill in the word you don’t think you are or don’t deserve to be). The problem is that you haven’t realized it yet. When you let go of all the lies you believe about yourself, the freedom you desire will come. It’s not in doing whatever you can so you “feel free”. (going back to realizing who we are in Christ)
We fall short, in our minds, when we compare ourselves to other people, but, in essence, we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves to anyone. We can only be who God made us to be. Any changes/alterations are to be like Him and follow what he says. Not to accommodate or be like anyone else. The challenge, then, is to be you. Unapologetically.
Everyday when you wake up, determine to be you and no one else.
Remember that everyone is not going to be ok with that, necessarily. And that is ok. You answer to God first and yourself second. Everyone else is just extra.
Thinking about how I think people think of me…wondering how much of a reflection that is of how I think of/see myself. Maybe sometimes we spend so much time and energy on making sure people don’t think of us a certain way…or wondering if they do…when really..perhaps we should be working on changing our view of ourselves. As much as I would say this to others…I know I need to apply it personally first.