Cinema

Tonight I watched a movie about a widower who traveled across the country to visit his kids. Robert DeNiro was in it, so I figured I’d give it a chance. Plus, I saw it as a preview in another movie I watched. I enjoyed it overall…one part of the plot involved the kids talking more to their mother, over the course of their lives, than their father. This continued after their mother’s death as well. They told their father only what he wanted to hear, while being more honest with their mom (the mother kept things from the father also since he worried a lot/pushed the kids to be perfect).

This reminded me of my relationship with my parents (of course lol)..though a tad different. But growing up my sister and I were much closer to my mom than my father. I didn’t lie to my father, but I told him more good things than bad. It was only in the last couple of years before his death (and after my mom died), that I started telling him when I was worried or stressed..or in need. Sometimes.

Watching Robert DeNiro go across the country visiting his kids (NY – Chicago – Denver – Vegas) also made me realize how much I [will] miss growing up (because despite being 28, I still feel, amazingly, like a child lol)..getting older without my parents. It’s something I’ve thought about before, specifically in terms of big life events, but this just made me think of the small things. Small things I know my mom would do and, I guess, small things I might do with my father..and things he’d do in his own way. There are a set of cousins in particular, and their parents, who I love so dearly because of the support they have offered my sister and I, especially in the wake of our parents’ deaths. I see their posts (whether my aunt’s or uncle’s posts about their kids or my cousins’ posts about their parents or their own children) and it makes my heart ache.  I suppose what it boils down to is I don’t feel like a daughter anymore. And the loneliness, the emptiness, of such a realization still hurts.

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Spill

Disclaimer: This is going to be long because apparently I’m just writing. It’s also all over the place in some areas. Also, not checking for grammar/spelling so…if there are errors, forgive me. 

So, something weird happened to me recently. My father died. Even weirder is that he died on the same date that my mother did four years ago. Just…weird. Right?

I’ve been thinking about deleting my blog lol Not sure I see the point in it anymore, yet here I am writing in it. Which, of course, probably means it’ll be around for a bit more. I suppose it’s not too bad to have when I want/decide to write in it. I don’t HAVE to. And when I don’t, I still enjoy being able to interact with the blogs of those who I follow. Which can be more difficult if I didn’t have this account. 

Oh, another weird thing. The day he died, I was supposed to be leaving to go see him. I actually would’ve been on the bus to see him probably 5 hours after I got the call. Spoke to him…not the day before, but the day before that. My friend and I went to the Christian bookstore near campus because I mentioned I wanted to buy him a new Bible. He said he needed one with large print…but it was too expensive, so I said I’d buy it online and have it sent to him. I didn’t have anything else to bring, but then I remembered that my father and tea were definitely an item, so I was also going to bring him this red mug that had the name of my school on it. I thought he’d like that. I put it in my suitcase…left it in there until I had to leave for the funeral.  I was all prepared…stayed up until 1am or so packing because I pack at the last minute. Made snacks for the ridiculously long bus ride and went to bed. Randomly woke up and that’s when I saw a missed call from Uncle and a text from my sister. Then my sister called me again. 

Funny how the deaths of my parents were so similar.

Both times my sister was the one who told me, crying so hard.

When dealing with things with my father, things have always been a little different. I’m the oldest. I have to take responsibility and be in the front and all of that. Which is fine, it was something I did anyway…always see her as my “baby” sister, despite us only being 13 months apart. But with my father, I guess my role as the eldest child was more pronounced. Again, which was fine. So I told my sister I’d call her back and called my uncle to find out what happened. 

Both times I was going to see them soon. 

With my mother, it wasn’t as close, but it was before Christmas break. I think the week after I probably would have been on my way home. And obviously with my father, it was that day. 

Both times I was going to graduate the following semester. First, with my B.A. and now with my M.A. 

Clearly, since the date was the same, both were close to Christmas. Puts a damper on things, as you can imagine lol 

Both times it came out of nowhere.

I won’t list here what happened to each because I don’t feel like it, but…when I say came out of nowhere, I don’t mean that one can necessarily be “prepared” for death. Even when someone has lived for years, it’s still a heartbreaking ordeal. I just mean it came out of nowhere in the sense that we either didn’t know they were sick or it literally was a random occurrence. Both, I suppose. 

Anyway. Yea, but it’s weird now. I think I wrote about it before, how when my mother died, my sister and I felt like orphans. Our relationship with our father, at the time, wasn’t the greatest. We were definitely closer to her than to him, so despite him still being around, we felt like we had no one except each other. That was 2009. In the years that followed I think my father tried to do better. In some ways the relationship, at least on my end, still seemed strained, but there were days…minutes…where it seemed we had a pretty good relationship. So that’s good. I think my sister felt the same way too, which is lovely. But now…she said to me, “we were destined to be parentless.” It sucks because things were looking up with my father. I was looking forward to seeing him…hadn’t seen him in a couple years. According to some people at the place where he was staying, he was excited about me coming. They were supposed to set it up so we could have lunch together one day. He’d laminated one of my graduation pictures I’d sent him from when I was in undergrad. So before we felt like orphans…but now it has become our reality. I just didn’t think I’d be thinking/saying/feeling/writing that word…that becoming part of my identity, who I am…at 25 years old.

I had more I wanted to write, but…I need to get some sleep today. Until next time.

Pre-???

Ok,well I’ve been wanting to write an actual blog for awhile,but I haven’t had the time. End of the semester crap is real right now. I’m almost done,but still have a few days left.

This is more so to get something off my mind/heart and a pre-whatever to what I actually want to write,but don’t have time right now because I need to go to bed lol

I was just praying and I told God,I’m scared. I’m scared/nervous/whatever and my mom isn’t here. Sometimes,life legitimately sucks without her. I also told Ace I probably need to cry soon. I felt it today and I think a little yesterday. But no time right now. I will though. I think. One day.

To be continued…

missing  my mother. told the story tonight, haven’t told it in awhile. everyone is sleep or…away, somehow, but…idk…I’ve been doing “good”, been “okay”, lately. I think so, anyway. big changes and the holidays are coming, though, so..inevitably, these familiar, not quite dormant feelings of pain and loss resurface. not that they were ever below the surface…just…so much other stuff piled on top of it, sometimes it’s hard to see. but it’s always there.

sometimes I just want her, you know?

have to remember that I’m not alone. God is always here and He loves me. He knows my pain and understands it and He can comfort me, though I often feel inconsolable. He can do what seems to be impossible. He cares. He knows. I don’t understand and, honestly, not sure I want to…because it wouldn’t make me feel any better, necessarily. But He is here.

might need to go back after all. idk.

I miss you, Lady. So very much…and that is still an understatement. Can’t wait until I see you again.

The Missing

There are a few decisions that I have to make in the very near future. Or semi-big changes coming up in my life. I guess it is good..decisions/change in some ways, signify growth of some sort. Or progress, I guess. But all of these decisions are things I would like to discuss with my mother. I want to call her and tell her, “Lady, guess what…”

She might not tell me the solution to my problem, but she would help me figure it out or help as I made my decision. As only she can. As only a mother can. I miss calling her and telling her about my day. Or her calling me and telling me about hers. Her laughing at me or with me or telling me to shut up lol I miss calling her after class to tell her what I learned or just to call…calling her at 6am, because I knew she was up, most likely having just finished talking to Jesus. I miss her calling me to say goodnight or that she was going to bed early.

I miss calling her to tell her when I was annoyed or when I needed an objective opinion. I miss her encouraging my friends lol She always had a word for somebody. I missed her at my undergrad graduation…like I’ll miss her when I get my Masters and the other momentous occasion in my life.

But more than the big things, it’s the daily little moments I miss having with her. It’s not the same and I know it never will be. That’s part of loss, I suppose. The somewhat incessant missing. Maybe in a way it helps one keep the memories…which, depending on the situation, can be a good or a bad thing. In this situation, a good thing. Definitely a good thing.

That doesn’t make it any easier, but that’s what I hold on to.

Just My Thoughts…

Someone once said (they know who they are…maybe lol) that learning/realizing things about yourself is an amazing process. I’m paraphrasing of course lol But it really is. The last few years I have really come to know myself. Sometimes I feel like up until fairly recently, I went my entire life suppressing who I was in some aspects. It was a combination of low self-esteem and just wanting to be accepted. I’m only now really allowing myself to disagree with people, for example. and even then, it is usually with people I really trust…and even with them, the disagreement is slight, but if I trust you enough..I will do it. It isn’t to be difficult, it’s more of something I have to do for me. And I’m not obnoxious about it, I don’t disagree just to do it. But I think it is that for so long I didn’t let myself disagree with people…I have spent my entire life thinking I’m always wrong (still working on that) and there are times that when I disagree with people, I have to make my opinion known…for me.

One of my sisters emailed me this really good sermon on fear. Fear is so powerful and so real. It has kept me from doing many things…something “simple” as calling or texting someone, to thinking/doubting my dreams or ambitions, doubting God…it’s dark or else I would share some of the quotes. Maybe later. One thing I was thinking about tonight was keeping a journal. An Honest Journal. Or as honest as I dare. I don’t really like writing things down, on paper, sometimes because I was always afraid that at some point someone would come along and read it. To me, the safest thing I could do, was keep it in my head. Share it with some people, if I really needed/wanted to get it out. But rarely write things down. Usually I start writing, but end up tapering off. For a few reasons, including this one. I don’t know. It’s a thought. I really want to try combat this fear that seems so rampant in my life sometimes.

I talked to Speakerboxx today…talking to her is always wonderful. I told her something and she made me realize I actually had an epiphany. I didn’t even realize it at the time. Amazing how..names..apply even when processes are over. Before and after. It’s interesting. Anyway, I think this is a new journey I’m about to embark on. I know I have support…and as always, I’m grateful and appreciative for them. I wish so badly my mom was here too, though. At times, even when things aren’t…horrible…it’s like the faster I move, I can almost unconsciously trick my mind into thinking she is still here. Right now, for example…the world is quiet, so it leaks in…washing over everything. But earlier, when I was doing things, a few things at once, as I tend to do..it’s like there was no room. Of course I hadn’t forgotten, but I wasn’t focusing on it 100%. Looking back a few hours, now, it’s like that was a time when things could have been different. Somehow. Some way.

Just my thoughts…

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These past few weeks,I haven’t been as sad as I was,say, last month. It feels weird. Odd,isn’t it, when sadness or anger or some emotion (whether positive or negative) that has been your ‘companion’ for awhile suddenly is absent? It’s not that I miss it,perse, it’s just a weird feeling. I wonder when/if it will return and when/if it does,what that will be like. I had two times in the past month where I spontaneously burst into tears. Once because I thought to myself that I should call her and tell her about a grade I got and then another because…I suppose because it was just a wave emotion that came over me. Both times the entire thing lasted no more than maybe an hour or so. Still is interesting each time. Especially when it came out of nowhere!

Also, few times lately I have been seeing like older/elderly women and thinking to myself that my mom won’t ever be that age or whatever. Then it makes me think of how people say that…you know,she isn’t suffering now and isn’t in pain and all of that. I read something that said typically the sadness in grief that is had by the person grieving is for themselves. Which I knew/know,but I guess I never think about it. Idk. Future things are…hard to think about or look forward to sometimes because at the end of the day,her absence changes things. I know I have said that before. But it is the realization that as I get older and such,she won’t be here. 

Just my thoughts just now….