64

Today is my mom’s birthday. She’d be 64 today. Which, when I think about it, is kind of wild because that’s still young! So very young.

Some people have asked me how I’ve been today, and I made it through. I told one friend that it’s an ongoing thing anyway. It comes and it goes. I had moments, I have moments…I’ll have more. I think I’ll probably spend some time thinking a lot before bed. Makes sense, since I was busy at work. Despite being unable to focus (non-related). Watching Black Girls Rock tonight actually made me all emotional, so I had to turn it off. I’ll finish it another day. I try not to romanticize my parents. They weren’t perfect by far. I’m sure my mom and I would have some disagreements these days. I’ve changed in these soon to be 8 years. But I loved my mother fiercely, and it’s hard not to. Regardless.

I miss her so much.

I’ve written before about how I can’t imagine many things in my life without her. Even though it’s happening, I’m living that unfortunate life, it’s still hard to think of other things further down the line. Being in a relationship, I definitely think about marriage more. I literally can’t imagine a wedding and having a good time without my mother. I know the reality is that I’m sure I would have a great time, and it would be a lovely affair. But…the thought of it actually makes me really sad. What am I supposed to do without her? I don’t know, for sure, if I want kids, but how do I do that without her? Again, I know that…I’ve obviously done things since my mom died. Big and small. Since my parents have died. But none of them have been as good as they could have been. My fear is that the same thing would happen around a wedding or the birth (or adoption) of a child. I also know there are many ways to somehow include family members/loved ones who have died in events. I’ll almost certainly do that. How can I not? But no one tells you how hard the living would be afterward. And, as happy as I am with a few aspects of my life, that feeling is always there.

Happy Birthday, Lady.

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Evenings

I started a very different post but, now, after a phone call…I’m feeling very different. So, I’m changing the direction of the post accordingly. In some ways, I feel like my life is so messed up. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that I’m privileged, blessed, etc. And I’m grateful for what I have, especially after everything that went down last summer. Also because I didn’t have all that I had before. I’m happier, in other ways, than I’ve been in a long time. But it’s still a struggle living paycheck to paycheck and not doing…something.

He told me that I’m mission oriented. Maybe I am. I’ve never stopped to think about it like, but it could be true. That could be part of the reason why, every week around this time and almost every night during the week, I want to cry. I did cry one morning last week. This afternoon, I almost did. Right now, I almost did. This afternoon, I took deep breaths and told myself it was okay. I could can do this.

It. will. be. okay.

My emotions are all over the place, which I attribute to a few different things. It doesn’t help that my mom’s birthday is this month. Followed by my father’s next month. Their…seems weird to use “anniversary” in this context, but that date is in December.

I have some things to look forward to. That I wouldn’t be able to do if I wasn’t in the position I’m in. I’m grateful for that. I just…I don’t know.

I’m tired.

Change Always Coming

It’s normal for there to be highs and lows in life, right?

One of the many, unfortunate normals of life, I suppose.

There are some changes happening in my life, and I’m happy about them. For different reasons, including selfish ones. But I’ve found as they become closer and closer to taking place, it also makes me long to have my mother here. I wonder if I’m the only one or if my sister feels the same way. I’m sure she does.

I made a trip home recently. I usually don’t like going home…and tend to shy away from large family gatherings. As nice as these things are (I’ve written before), they tend to remind me more that my mother isn’t (t)here. This time was different though. We stayed with different people throughout the week. There was a fairly large family gathering. There was also some family drama (of course lol). But it was good. It was the first time, in a long time, that it wasn’t awful being home.  I guess that’s good. I’m sure it is..and I’m sure that means something.

But right now…I’ve given myself a timeframe for accomplishing things I want to do. One way or another it involves me moving this time next year. My sister is making some changes of her own. I know she’s nervous about it, I would be too. But I think it’s good for her. Change, however, makes us, almost involuntarily, want to look to our parents.

That’s the hard part. Looking for people who aren’t here. Not knowing, at times, who to turn instead. Or knowing, but still..it just not quite being right. For some reason I’m scared about my moments of longing for my mother overwhelms me…in this season of change I’ll be in not-quite-completely-new surroundings. And I’m not sure how I’ll express myself…or if I will. That will be something I’ll have to work on.

I saw the following quote on Goodreads semi-recently:

“A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones.” – Kristin Hannah, Summer Island 

It’s been almost 6 years. SIX years. I still can’t believe it. Almost 2 for my father. My age doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, I’m still a little girl wanting her parents.

I screenshot the quote when I saw it. Sometimes I feel like I’m drawn to sad things. But I don’t need to be reminded of this quote. It actually embodies some of what I read in a book about women whose mothers have died. Quite accurate it is. I think I keep thinking that it’ll get easier the older I get. Even though I know it’s not true. In some ways, it actually seems to be ‘getting’ worse.

& Now

I moved. Super happy for the big picture. I wasn’t at all happy where I was. Although I had semi-recently formed some friendships…so I was sad to leave those, but I know our friendship won’t end just because I’m not there. Being laid off from your job definitely has pros/cons. I keep telling myself (and others) that I’m trying to look at this as an opportunity. As I was telling my cousin yesterday, if I hadn’t been laid off, I’m not sure when I would have moved/left. Despite my desire to leave, I was also afraid of quitting my job to just pick up and move. But part of that decision was taken away from me, so here I am lol

It’s been pretty good so far. I’ve missed the city, the diversity, the food, my friends. Still looking for a job, but that’s to be expected. I was talking to my cousin yesterday about my future and not getting stuck again. I’ve never been a risk taker, but I’m at the point in my life where many things are a risk. Especially if I want to continue on this search for happiness. Here I’m reminding myself that the word I chose for this year was endeavor. Which, for me, includes some aspect of risk. I don’t like that lol But I guess that’s why it’s good.

This weekend my uncle has been visiting…I haven’t seen him in a long while, so it’s been nice. He’s also helping his daughter with some things around the house and his granddaughter with some things. Sometimes I get sad watching them. That’s why I decided to write here, it’s one way for me to express the combination of: being happy to see him, happy seeing him help and just the dynamic of his relationship with the two of them..plus my own sadness/memories.

Anyway. I’m definitely going to try to be more intentional with my pursuit of employment.  I’m not trying to have more jobs I dislike…escaping from darkness can be liberating, but the threat still lingers..and I don’t want to go back to that place.

2016

Inspired by one of my brothers, I decided to choose a word for 2016. The way he defined/described the purpose of the word was as an alternative to resolutions. Not only that, but it, in some ways, is even more than a list of things you want to accomplish. Instead, the word helps to guide you throughout the year and when it comes to decisions you need (or want) to make. It can embody a plethora of goals/ambitions/aspirations. I think I’ve done resolutions in the past, but I haven’t really adhered to them very strictly.

After hearing his take on having a word, I decided to think of one for myself and finally chose Endeavor. It has a couple definitions, which I’ve written below:

en·deav·or
verb
1. try hard to do or achieve something.
noun
1. an attempt to achieve a goal.
2. earnest and industrious effort, especially when sustained over a period of time.
  • an enterprise or undertaking.

 

The more I think about this word, the more I think it is perfect for me. I’m in such a weird place in my life. In almost every way. I’ve been feeling stagnant and stuck. I hate it, but I don’t know what to do about it. This year, though, I want to try to accomplish and reach for things that I want. Even if/although I think I won’t be successful..or despite all the fear(s) I have, I want to try. I want to intentionally pursue the things I want in life. I read a quote that basically talked about the significance of trying. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being afraid to fail…falling is part of life. But not trying is a whole different beast. This is going to be very hard for me and will require me stepping out of my comfort zone in so many ways. Not to be cliche, but I hope this is the start of a new journey for me. Come what may. (to an extent lol).

Wish me luck.

Now

I’m graduating tomorrow..today, I suppose, technically. It’s an odd thing. A good thing, but odd. Neither of my parents will be here with me. Two of my aunts are going to be here though, a couple cousins, and some friends. and my sister of course. Sister said tonight she wished my mom was here and I echoed her sentiment. I also wished I could call my father to tell him about it, how I got a grade I didn’t expect, maybe about my outfit (though I’m sure he wouldn’t get it) and send him pictures later. My aunts remind me of my mom in so many ways. Expected heartache is different from unexpected, obviously, but just as painful. I haven’t really been focusing on things the past week and a half. Yes, of course, I’m excited to have finished what I seriously doubted I would. I was over school in so many ways lol But it is hard for me to enjoy it. I am happy. But I’m also so sad. My mind is constantly, unconsciously at times, preoccupied with the reminder that my parents are no longer here. And I fear that casts a dark shadow on every big event/accomplishment in my life.

It’s getting late though and I have to go to sleep to be ready to start tomorrow. It’s hard to be honest with myself, and others, about how I feel when I feel like people just want me to be excited or happy. & if I’m not, I’m not only letting them down, but wasting the time and effort they put into coming here. And yet…while I am happy, there’s also so much more.