Evenings

I started a very different post but, now, after a phone call…I’m feeling very different. So, I’m changing the direction of the post accordingly. In some ways, I feel like my life is so messed up. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that I’m privileged, blessed, etc. And I’m grateful for what I have, especially after everything that went down last summer. Also because I didn’t have all that I had before. I’m happier, in other ways, than I’ve been in a long time. But it’s still a struggle living paycheck to paycheck and not doing…something.

He told me that I’m mission oriented. Maybe I am. I’ve never stopped to think about it like, but it could be true. That could be part of the reason why, every week around this time and almost every night during the week, I want to cry. I did cry one morning last week. This afternoon, I almost did. Right now, I almost did. This afternoon, I took deep breaths and told myself it was okay. I could can do this.

It. will. be. okay.

My emotions are all over the place, which I attribute to a few different things. It doesn’t help that my mom’s birthday is this month. Followed by my father’s next month. Their…seems weird to use “anniversary” in this context, but that date is in December.

I have some things to look forward to. That I wouldn’t be able to do if I wasn’t in the position I’m in. I’m grateful for that. I just…I don’t know.

I’m tired.

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These past few weeks,I haven’t been as sad as I was,say, last month. It feels weird. Odd,isn’t it, when sadness or anger or some emotion (whether positive or negative) that has been your ‘companion’ for awhile suddenly is absent? It’s not that I miss it,perse, it’s just a weird feeling. I wonder when/if it will return and when/if it does,what that will be like. I had two times in the past month where I spontaneously burst into tears. Once because I thought to myself that I should call her and tell her about a grade I got and then another because…I suppose because it was just a wave emotion that came over me. Both times the entire thing lasted no more than maybe an hour or so. Still is interesting each time. Especially when it came out of nowhere!

Also, few times lately I have been seeing like older/elderly women and thinking to myself that my mom won’t ever be that age or whatever. Then it makes me think of how people say that…you know,she isn’t suffering now and isn’t in pain and all of that. I read something that said typically the sadness in grief that is had by the person grieving is for themselves. Which I knew/know,but I guess I never think about it. Idk. Future things are…hard to think about or look forward to sometimes because at the end of the day,her absence changes things. I know I have said that before. But it is the realization that as I get older and such,she won’t be here. 

Just my thoughts just now….