Change Always Coming

It’s normal for there to be highs and lows in life, right?

One of the many, unfortunate normals of life, I suppose.

There are some changes happening in my life, and I’m happy about them. For different reasons, including selfish ones. But I’ve found as they become closer and closer to taking place, it also makes me long to have my mother here. I wonder if I’m the only one or if my sister feels the same way. I’m sure she does.

I made a trip home recently. I usually don’t like going home…and tend to shy away from large family gatherings. As nice as these things are (I’ve written before), they tend to remind me more that my mother isn’t (t)here. This time was different though. We stayed with different people throughout the week. There was a fairly large family gathering. There was also some family drama (of course lol). But it was good. It was the first time, in a long time, that it wasn’t awful being home.  I guess that’s good. I’m sure it is..and I’m sure that means something.

But right now…I’ve given myself a timeframe for accomplishing things I want to do. One way or another it involves me moving this time next year. My sister is making some changes of her own. I know she’s nervous about it, I would be too. But I think it’s good for her. Change, however, makes us, almost involuntarily, want to look to our parents.

That’s the hard part. Looking for people who aren’t here. Not knowing, at times, who to turn instead. Or knowing, but still..it just not quite being right. For some reason I’m scared about my moments of longing for my mother overwhelms me…in this season of change I’ll be in not-quite-completely-new surroundings. And I’m not sure how I’ll express myself…or if I will. That will be something I’ll have to work on.

I saw the following quote on Goodreads semi-recently:

“A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones.” – Kristin Hannah, Summer Island 

It’s been almost 6 years. SIX years. I still can’t believe it. Almost 2 for my father. My age doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, I’m still a little girl wanting her parents.

I screenshot the quote when I saw it. Sometimes I feel like I’m drawn to sad things. But I don’t need to be reminded of this quote. It actually embodies some of what I read in a book about women whose mothers have died. Quite accurate it is. I think I keep thinking that it’ll get easier the older I get. Even though I know it’s not true. In some ways, it actually seems to be ‘getting’ worse.

& Now

I moved. Super happy for the big picture. I wasn’t at all happy where I was. Although I had semi-recently formed some friendships…so I was sad to leave those, but I know our friendship won’t end just because I’m not there. Being laid off from your job definitely has pros/cons. I keep telling myself (and others) that I’m trying to look at this as an opportunity. As I was telling my cousin yesterday, if I hadn’t been laid off, I’m not sure when I would have moved/left. Despite my desire to leave, I was also afraid of quitting my job to just pick up and move. But part of that decision was taken away from me, so here I am lol

It’s been pretty good so far. I’ve missed the city, the diversity, the food, my friends. Still looking for a job, but that’s to be expected. I was talking to my cousin yesterday about my future and not getting stuck again. I’ve never been a risk taker, but I’m at the point in my life where many things are a risk. Especially if I want to continue on this search for happiness. Here I’m reminding myself that the word I chose for this year was endeavor. Which, for me, includes some aspect of risk. I don’t like that lol But I guess that’s why it’s good.

This weekend my uncle has been visiting…I haven’t seen him in a long while, so it’s been nice. He’s also helping his daughter with some things around the house and his granddaughter with some things. Sometimes I get sad watching them. That’s why I decided to write here, it’s one way for me to express the combination of: being happy to see him, happy seeing him help and just the dynamic of his relationship with the two of them..plus my own sadness/memories.

Anyway. I’m definitely going to try to be more intentional with my pursuit of employment.  I’m not trying to have more jobs I dislike…escaping from darkness can be liberating, but the threat still lingers..and I don’t want to go back to that place.

Once there was a baby star. He lived up near the sun. And every night at bedtime that baby star wanted to have fun. He would shine and shine, and fall and shoot and twinkle oh so bright. And he said, “Mommy, I’ll run away if you make me say good-night.” And then his mommy kissed his sparkly nose and said, “No matter where you go, no matter where you are, no matter how big you grow and even if you stray far, I’ll love you forever, because you’ll always be my baby star.”

Bedtime for Baby Star- Criminal Minds Episode, “There’s No Place Like Home”

Once there was …

Oh, hi…

I’m going to try to make this quick since I’m tired and want to get up early.

I haven’t written in awhile. It’s weird. I think awhile ago I was realizing how much I write here and was wondering if that was good or not. I was actually considering closing/canceling my account. But I haven’t as yet.

This has been a really difficult semester. It’s over though, thank God. But it’s been hard.

This semester I saw a new counselor lady. Let’s call her B. She’s my age, which was weird sometimes, but kinda cool too, I think. I like her..she reminds me a little of one of my kids, actually. She’s definitely different than the one I had last year, but I like her. She’s really nice. Very personable and easy to talk to. She teared up when I talk about my mom and how I feel and stuff. I can tell she really empathizes with me. I usually swallowed my tears when they threaten to come to the surface during one of our “sessions”. B gave me an assignment once…not to push down my emotions or feelings when I get sad or whatever, when it comes to my mom. It’s an interesting situation, though, because I don’t necessarily/really want to talk about it, but I’m not supposed to push it down either. So I had to find other ways to deal with it. But now I’ve taken to applying that to multiple areas. I’ve always been an emotional person, I just don’t show those emotions. She has me showing them now. I told her I blamed her for my reaction to things being tears now. Madness.

Though this semester has been tough, it’s also had some good as well. I’ve gained a renewed appreciation for the people in my life. I have a really good support system and amazing friends and sisters. Trying to get reconnected with some people who I haven’t talked to in awhile. But yay to them and who they are…and who they will be. Additionally, I’ve met new people, who I now can’t imagine my life without. And I’m thankful for that.

Anyway. Talking to B every week has definitely helped me out, our last session was last week and I’m taking it better than I thought, I think. I kind of miss the sessions though, is that weird? She asked me how I felt about it and I told her I had gotten used to it…to talking things through with her and…I guess to her “probing” questions. She had me thinking about things sometimes in ways I hadn’t before or even when I didn’t want to think/talk about them. Not that she forced me to talk. Because she didn’t. I think I kind of felt like, I might as well talk to her, that’s what I came for. Anyway. I guess that’s all for now. Maybe more later.

Pre-???

Ok,well I’ve been wanting to write an actual blog for awhile,but I haven’t had the time. End of the semester crap is real right now. I’m almost done,but still have a few days left.

This is more so to get something off my mind/heart and a pre-whatever to what I actually want to write,but don’t have time right now because I need to go to bed lol

I was just praying and I told God,I’m scared. I’m scared/nervous/whatever and my mom isn’t here. Sometimes,life legitimately sucks without her. I also told Ace I probably need to cry soon. I felt it today and I think a little yesterday. But no time right now. I will though. I think. One day.

To be continued…

Dream a Little Dream of Me

I don’t dream often. I have some weird dreams sometimes…had a dream the other night and Beyoncé was in it. Of all people. I’m not even a Beyoncé fan, so it was extra random.

But then there are times when I dream and it is a good dream. Today, in the middle of the day, a random nap lol I dreamt of my mother. And some other stuff, strange occurrences, but the highlight of the dream was my mom. I dreamt I was talking to her on Skype or something on my phone. The image on the phone/screen was so crisp and clear, I felt like she was right in front of me. I told her my sister had a doctor’s appointment and that I was planning to go (or was currently visiting) my father . Then I told her I was ready to leave. But she told me if I needed to stay longer, then to stay longer.

It was a very, very vivid dream. It’s been some hours since I had the dream and I’m already losing it, as tends to happen with dreams. Fading away slowly, but surely. But I remember seeing her face and hearing her voice so clearly…I haven’t seen it like that in awhile. It felt so real. Waking up, I was a little confused because I realized it was a dream, but it felt so much like reality. I wasn’t even upset because I got to see her and talk to her. I haven’t dreamt of her in so long.

It was nice.

missing  my mother. told the story tonight, haven’t told it in awhile. everyone is sleep or…away, somehow, but…idk…I’ve been doing “good”, been “okay”, lately. I think so, anyway. big changes and the holidays are coming, though, so..inevitably, these familiar, not quite dormant feelings of pain and loss resurface. not that they were ever below the surface…just…so much other stuff piled on top of it, sometimes it’s hard to see. but it’s always there.

sometimes I just want her, you know?

have to remember that I’m not alone. God is always here and He loves me. He knows my pain and understands it and He can comfort me, though I often feel inconsolable. He can do what seems to be impossible. He cares. He knows. I don’t understand and, honestly, not sure I want to…because it wouldn’t make me feel any better, necessarily. But He is here.

might need to go back after all. idk.

I miss you, Lady. So very much…and that is still an understatement. Can’t wait until I see you again.