Once there was a baby star. He lived up near the sun. And every night at bedtime that baby star wanted to have fun. He would shine and shine, and fall and shoot and twinkle oh so bright. And he said, “Mommy, I’ll run away if you make me say good-night.” And then his mommy kissed his sparkly nose and said, “No matter where you go, no matter where you are, no matter how big you grow and even if you stray far, I’ll love you forever, because you’ll always be my baby star.”

Bedtime for Baby Star- Criminal Minds Episode, “There’s No Place Like Home”

Once there was …

Advertisements

This is an anomaly for me…two posts so close together. But what am I to do at 2am when I’m mulling over things. I think I’ve liked quotes for awhile, but recently I’ve become all about them. I got The Fault In Our Stars as a birthday gift and read it voraciously over the course of  2 days. I probably could have finished it faster, but I did need to sleep and study lol I loved that book and I want to reread it. It was a beautifully sad book. One thing that one of the characters said stuck with me and I’m certain I marked the page to write it down later. But it is the focus of my thoughts this early/late morning: “Grief does not change you…It reveals you.”

Immediately I think to myself that whoever does read my blog is tired of ‘hearing’ me write about this. But I’m sure a number of individuals would tell me that I can if I want to…I should if I want to…and it is my blog after all lol People don’t HAVE to read. But I digress.

6535f1896b5cfa8421f17cb8f431695c

I try to think of who I was “before”. That’s kind of what I’ve come to think of my life as. Or at least what I’m thinking right now. Who knows, in the morning this could change. There was “before” and there’s now. Obviously I’m not the same as I was “before”. Aside from the ‘events’, time has passed. Regardless I’d have changed. But is there irreparable damage? Sometimes I feel I’m a great deal more callous than I was. I don’t like that I’m like that..I’ve never said I was a really nice person lol I’m sarcastic and monotone, deadpan at times, but callous was not a word I’d have used to describe myself in the past. “Before”. It’s shameful. The logical part of me knows I can’t blame all things on grief. Hindsight is 20/20, it’s true. But hurt people hurt people is also true.

If grief reveals me…I’m not sure I like what its uncovered.

Spill

Disclaimer: This is going to be long because apparently I’m just writing. It’s also all over the place in some areas. Also, not checking for grammar/spelling so…if there are errors, forgive me. 

So, something weird happened to me recently. My father died. Even weirder is that he died on the same date that my mother did four years ago. Just…weird. Right?

I’ve been thinking about deleting my blog lol Not sure I see the point in it anymore, yet here I am writing in it. Which, of course, probably means it’ll be around for a bit more. I suppose it’s not too bad to have when I want/decide to write in it. I don’t HAVE to. And when I don’t, I still enjoy being able to interact with the blogs of those who I follow. Which can be more difficult if I didn’t have this account. 

Oh, another weird thing. The day he died, I was supposed to be leaving to go see him. I actually would’ve been on the bus to see him probably 5 hours after I got the call. Spoke to him…not the day before, but the day before that. My friend and I went to the Christian bookstore near campus because I mentioned I wanted to buy him a new Bible. He said he needed one with large print…but it was too expensive, so I said I’d buy it online and have it sent to him. I didn’t have anything else to bring, but then I remembered that my father and tea were definitely an item, so I was also going to bring him this red mug that had the name of my school on it. I thought he’d like that. I put it in my suitcase…left it in there until I had to leave for the funeral.  I was all prepared…stayed up until 1am or so packing because I pack at the last minute. Made snacks for the ridiculously long bus ride and went to bed. Randomly woke up and that’s when I saw a missed call from Uncle and a text from my sister. Then my sister called me again. 

Funny how the deaths of my parents were so similar.

Both times my sister was the one who told me, crying so hard.

When dealing with things with my father, things have always been a little different. I’m the oldest. I have to take responsibility and be in the front and all of that. Which is fine, it was something I did anyway…always see her as my “baby” sister, despite us only being 13 months apart. But with my father, I guess my role as the eldest child was more pronounced. Again, which was fine. So I told my sister I’d call her back and called my uncle to find out what happened. 

Both times I was going to see them soon. 

With my mother, it wasn’t as close, but it was before Christmas break. I think the week after I probably would have been on my way home. And obviously with my father, it was that day. 

Both times I was going to graduate the following semester. First, with my B.A. and now with my M.A. 

Clearly, since the date was the same, both were close to Christmas. Puts a damper on things, as you can imagine lol 

Both times it came out of nowhere.

I won’t list here what happened to each because I don’t feel like it, but…when I say came out of nowhere, I don’t mean that one can necessarily be “prepared” for death. Even when someone has lived for years, it’s still a heartbreaking ordeal. I just mean it came out of nowhere in the sense that we either didn’t know they were sick or it literally was a random occurrence. Both, I suppose. 

Anyway. Yea, but it’s weird now. I think I wrote about it before, how when my mother died, my sister and I felt like orphans. Our relationship with our father, at the time, wasn’t the greatest. We were definitely closer to her than to him, so despite him still being around, we felt like we had no one except each other. That was 2009. In the years that followed I think my father tried to do better. In some ways the relationship, at least on my end, still seemed strained, but there were days…minutes…where it seemed we had a pretty good relationship. So that’s good. I think my sister felt the same way too, which is lovely. But now…she said to me, “we were destined to be parentless.” It sucks because things were looking up with my father. I was looking forward to seeing him…hadn’t seen him in a couple years. According to some people at the place where he was staying, he was excited about me coming. They were supposed to set it up so we could have lunch together one day. He’d laminated one of my graduation pictures I’d sent him from when I was in undergrad. So before we felt like orphans…but now it has become our reality. I just didn’t think I’d be thinking/saying/feeling/writing that word…that becoming part of my identity, who I am…at 25 years old.

I had more I wanted to write, but…I need to get some sleep today. Until next time.

Oh, hi…

I’m going to try to make this quick since I’m tired and want to get up early.

I haven’t written in awhile. It’s weird. I think awhile ago I was realizing how much I write here and was wondering if that was good or not. I was actually considering closing/canceling my account. But I haven’t as yet.

This has been a really difficult semester. It’s over though, thank God. But it’s been hard.

This semester I saw a new counselor lady. Let’s call her B. She’s my age, which was weird sometimes, but kinda cool too, I think. I like her..she reminds me a little of one of my kids, actually. She’s definitely different than the one I had last year, but I like her. She’s really nice. Very personable and easy to talk to. She teared up when I talk about my mom and how I feel and stuff. I can tell she really empathizes with me. I usually swallowed my tears when they threaten to come to the surface during one of our “sessions”. B gave me an assignment once…not to push down my emotions or feelings when I get sad or whatever, when it comes to my mom. It’s an interesting situation, though, because I don’t necessarily/really want to talk about it, but I’m not supposed to push it down either. So I had to find other ways to deal with it. But now I’ve taken to applying that to multiple areas. I’ve always been an emotional person, I just don’t show those emotions. She has me showing them now. I told her I blamed her for my reaction to things being tears now. Madness.

Though this semester has been tough, it’s also had some good as well. I’ve gained a renewed appreciation for the people in my life. I have a really good support system and amazing friends and sisters. Trying to get reconnected with some people who I haven’t talked to in awhile. But yay to them and who they are…and who they will be. Additionally, I’ve met new people, who I now can’t imagine my life without. And I’m thankful for that.

Anyway. Talking to B every week has definitely helped me out, our last session was last week and I’m taking it better than I thought, I think. I kind of miss the sessions though, is that weird? She asked me how I felt about it and I told her I had gotten used to it…to talking things through with her and…I guess to her “probing” questions. She had me thinking about things sometimes in ways I hadn’t before or even when I didn’t want to think/talk about them. Not that she forced me to talk. Because she didn’t. I think I kind of felt like, I might as well talk to her, that’s what I came for. Anyway. I guess that’s all for now. Maybe more later.

I was thinking…just now (lol) that I don’t think I really believe in myself. That’s not good. Looking back, that’s definitely detrimental to my goals, dreams, ambitions, etc. It can be difficult to have a support system when, at the end of the day, you aren’t even behind yourself. If, after everyone leaves and the other voices are gone…my own isn’t even in support of me.

Maybe that’s also a bit of the reason why I seek affirmation so often from people. Constantly questioning/wondering where I am or where I fall in people’s lives. Which, to an extent, I guess most people do at some point, maybe, in life. But I put a little too much emphasis on it. Feeling lost in life is partly because even though I may have things I want to do or am interested in doing…I don’t really think I could/can do them.

That’s kinda depressing, right? Difficult to succeed when I don’t have confidence in myself or my abilities. My graduation date has been pushed back and, though I’m still a little shaky about these new changes I’m making, I’m kind of glad I’m not graduating. I don’t know what I would do or where I would go when I’m finished.

All this…it’s keeping me in one spot, in a sense.

And no one can make me move except me.

Anyway.

On to my research papers.

Dream a Little Dream of Me

I don’t dream often. I have some weird dreams sometimes…had a dream the other night and Beyoncé was in it. Of all people. I’m not even a Beyoncé fan, so it was extra random.

But then there are times when I dream and it is a good dream. Today, in the middle of the day, a random nap lol I dreamt of my mother. And some other stuff, strange occurrences, but the highlight of the dream was my mom. I dreamt I was talking to her on Skype or something on my phone. The image on the phone/screen was so crisp and clear, I felt like she was right in front of me. I told her my sister had a doctor’s appointment and that I was planning to go (or was currently visiting) my father . Then I told her I was ready to leave. But she told me if I needed to stay longer, then to stay longer.

It was a very, very vivid dream. It’s been some hours since I had the dream and I’m already losing it, as tends to happen with dreams. Fading away slowly, but surely. But I remember seeing her face and hearing her voice so clearly…I haven’t seen it like that in awhile. It felt so real. Waking up, I was a little confused because I realized it was a dream, but it felt so much like reality. I wasn’t even upset because I got to see her and talk to her. I haven’t dreamt of her in so long.

It was nice.

missing  my mother. told the story tonight, haven’t told it in awhile. everyone is sleep or…away, somehow, but…idk…I’ve been doing “good”, been “okay”, lately. I think so, anyway. big changes and the holidays are coming, though, so..inevitably, these familiar, not quite dormant feelings of pain and loss resurface. not that they were ever below the surface…just…so much other stuff piled on top of it, sometimes it’s hard to see. but it’s always there.

sometimes I just want her, you know?

have to remember that I’m not alone. God is always here and He loves me. He knows my pain and understands it and He can comfort me, though I often feel inconsolable. He can do what seems to be impossible. He cares. He knows. I don’t understand and, honestly, not sure I want to…because it wouldn’t make me feel any better, necessarily. But He is here.

might need to go back after all. idk.

I miss you, Lady. So very much…and that is still an understatement. Can’t wait until I see you again.