64

Today is my mom’s birthday. She’d be 64 today. Which, when I think about it, is kind of wild because that’s still young! So very young.

Some people have asked me how I’ve been today, and I made it through. I told one friend that it’s an ongoing thing anyway. It comes and it goes. I had moments, I have moments…I’ll have more. I think I’ll probably spend some time thinking a lot before bed. Makes sense, since I was busy at work. Despite being unable to focus (non-related). Watching Black Girls Rock tonight actually made me all emotional, so I had to turn it off. I’ll finish it another day. I try not to romanticize my parents. They weren’t perfect by far. I’m sure my mom and I would have some disagreements these days. I’ve changed in these soon to be 8 years. But I loved my mother fiercely, and it’s hard not to. Regardless.

I miss her so much.

I’ve written before about how I can’t imagine many things in my life without her. Even though it’s happening, I’m living that unfortunate life, it’s still hard to think of other things further down the line. Being in a relationship, I definitely think about marriage more. I literally can’t imagine a wedding and having a good time without my mother. I know the reality is that I’m sure I would have a great time, and it would be a lovely affair. But…the thought of it actually makes me really sad. What am I supposed to do without her? I don’t know, for sure, if I want kids, but how do I do that without her? Again, I know that…I’ve obviously done things since my mom died. Big and small. Since my parents have died. But none of them have been as good as they could have been. My fear is that the same thing would happen around a wedding or the birth (or adoption) of a child. I also know there are many ways to somehow include family members/loved ones who have died in events. I’ll almost certainly do that. How can I not? But no one tells you how hard the living would be afterward. And, as happy as I am with a few aspects of my life, that feeling is always there.

Happy Birthday, Lady.

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Now

I’m graduating tomorrow..today, I suppose, technically. It’s an odd thing. A good thing, but odd. Neither of my parents will be here with me. Two of my aunts are going to be here though, a couple cousins, and some friends. and my sister of course. Sister said tonight she wished my mom was here and I echoed her sentiment. I also wished I could call my father to tell him about it, how I got a grade I didn’t expect, maybe about my outfit (though I’m sure he wouldn’t get it) and send him pictures later. My aunts remind me of my mom in so many ways. Expected heartache is different from unexpected, obviously, but just as painful. I haven’t really been focusing on things the past week and a half. Yes, of course, I’m excited to have finished what I seriously doubted I would. I was over school in so many ways lol But it is hard for me to enjoy it. I am happy. But I’m also so sad. My mind is constantly, unconsciously at times, preoccupied with the reminder that my parents are no longer here. And I fear that casts a dark shadow on every big event/accomplishment in my life.

It’s getting late though and I have to go to sleep to be ready to start tomorrow. It’s hard to be honest with myself, and others, about how I feel when I feel like people just want me to be excited or happy. & if I’m not, I’m not only letting them down, but wasting the time and effort they put into coming here. And yet…while I am happy, there’s also so much more. 

You Wouldn’t Cry

Every once in awhile I decide to listen to my iTunes playlist called “mom”. It’s probably obvious that by the time I’m halfway through..one of the songs, not even the whole list (which really only consists of like 5 songs), I’m probably crying. Today I was looking for a song by Mandisa that my big sister told me about shortly after my mom died. It’s called “You Wouldn’t Cry” by Mandisa. I love this song. It makes me cry though! But I love it..it makes me miss her so much, but also think of how happy she must be. Just now I thought to myself, I know she is happy, but I wonder if she misses me. I’m glad she is happy and glad she doesn’t hurt anymore…but I kind of want her to miss me. I don’t know. Because I miss her, I guess. One thing that really bothers me to this day is that I hadn’t seen her since August. My mom died in December. Neither my sister nor I got to say goodbye and I’m not at all suggesting that this was easier for my sister because she saw her every week, but whenever I think about that time, I hate that the next time I saw her was at the wake. I hate that. I wanted to share this song. Maybe it will help someone else too.

 

I Feel…

Happy. Right now, I feel happy. I read a blog this morning and the author asks if it is wrong to feel like the feeling of happiness is fleeting? I do not think so, no. I tend to feel the same way. I had a good night last night with Unplugged, Ace, and Futurama. Then Little One came over after work and we chilled a bit. Got a ride to work this morning (ppreciate it, Unplugged!) and had a great, funny convo with Lyrical Wisdom pretty much right up until this post. And yet…I feel like this happiness..can only last but so long. It seems as though as soon as I am aware of it, it makes it less likely to last. Or that I shouldn’t be feeling this way for some reason.

For the time being, though, I’m going to ride this wave.