Two weeks ago I had a relatively good week. Definitely wasn’t expected, but I thought it would be fleeting. & it was. But I was talking to C about it and how since I was ‘distracted’, essentially, things didn’t seem as bad.  I’ve been here before…last semester, the day before I was going to see my father, I was pretty happy. Still dealing with my mother’s death, but with C’s help I felt like I was finally making some type of progress. Finally seeing beyond the fog. And then my father died and all of a sudden I was plunged back into the same arena I thought I was emerging from.

Going through the stages of grief I recognize the emotions and thoughts I’m having in regards to my father as similar to the ones I had when my mother died. Of course there are differences because the relationship I had with my father was vastly different from the one I had with my mother. To this, however, we add a third line of now having neither of them which is an entirely different matter. It’s hard to sort through these things, especially given everything else going on…trying to graduate, figuring out what to do after graduation/with my life, along with the other things constantly running across my mind. For someone as analytical as I am, all of this is frustrating and even makes me angry. Recently I’ve been thinking that if I post/say/do something “normal”, that means I’m not…sad (seems inadequate, but it’ll do). Logically, I know that’s not true and I don’t have to put on a happy face..or a sad one for that matter. I don’t have to feel guilty for being happy sometimes or for having a good day. A good week. Smiling. Laughing. By that same token, it’s also okay if I’m angry or sad or whatever the case may be.

It’s only been 2 months and 5 days…I tell myself on a fairly regular basis that I shouldn’t feel the way I do, but it hasn’t been that long. Even if it had been, the fact remains that any death leaves behind its mark on loved ones. And that’s okay. C tells me all the time to give myself permission to feel. Permission to…be angry, be sad, not talk, keep to myself, be…whatever it is that I am. It’s hard for me to do that, but I am going to try. At the same time, I will try to give myself permission to smile when I want to or laugh or have fun.

I’ve lost a lot of motivation…it seems things happen right in the thick of everything else. I have decisions to make and things to think about, but at the same time I’m trying to process all of this and it can be overwhelming. Balance is all off lol Again, I think C would say that’s okay. She’s always talking about taking “baby steps” lol So I’ll try to do that I guess. Take the things I need to do and kind of prioritize and do them in steps. That’s all I can do at this point. I want to avoid going to the place I was in when my mom died, but somehow it seems inevitable because my father’s death automatically makes me relive my mom’s while also having its own nuances. It’s all wrapped up together. I’m deciding to try to fight it and try to remember that as I emerged from the fog before, it can happen again. But the process is not to be rushed. Right now my only goal is not to give up. Despite…everything…I cannot give up.

Oh, hi…

I’m going to try to make this quick since I’m tired and want to get up early.

I haven’t written in awhile. It’s weird. I think awhile ago I was realizing how much I write here and was wondering if that was good or not. I was actually considering closing/canceling my account. But I haven’t as yet.

This has been a really difficult semester. It’s over though, thank God. But it’s been hard.

This semester I saw a new counselor lady. Let’s call her B. She’s my age, which was weird sometimes, but kinda cool too, I think. I like her..she reminds me a little of one of my kids, actually. She’s definitely different than the one I had last year, but I like her. She’s really nice. Very personable and easy to talk to. She teared up when I talk about my mom and how I feel and stuff. I can tell she really empathizes with me. I usually swallowed my tears when they threaten to come to the surface during one of our “sessions”. B gave me an assignment once…not to push down my emotions or feelings when I get sad or whatever, when it comes to my mom. It’s an interesting situation, though, because I don’t necessarily/really want to talk about it, but I’m not supposed to push it down either. So I had to find other ways to deal with it. But now I’ve taken to applying that to multiple areas. I’ve always been an emotional person, I just don’t show those emotions. She has me showing them now. I told her I blamed her for my reaction to things being tears now. Madness.

Though this semester has been tough, it’s also had some good as well. I’ve gained a renewed appreciation for the people in my life. I have a really good support system and amazing friends and sisters. Trying to get reconnected with some people who I haven’t talked to in awhile. But yay to them and who they are…and who they will be. Additionally, I’ve met new people, who I now can’t imagine my life without. And I’m thankful for that.

Anyway. Talking to B every week has definitely helped me out, our last session was last week and I’m taking it better than I thought, I think. I kind of miss the sessions though, is that weird? She asked me how I felt about it and I told her I had gotten used to it…to talking things through with her and…I guess to her “probing” questions. She had me thinking about things sometimes in ways I hadn’t before or even when I didn’t want to think/talk about them. Not that she forced me to talk. Because she didn’t. I think I kind of felt like, I might as well talk to her, that’s what I came for. Anyway. I guess that’s all for now. Maybe more later.

Pre-???

Ok,well I’ve been wanting to write an actual blog for awhile,but I haven’t had the time. End of the semester crap is real right now. I’m almost done,but still have a few days left.

This is more so to get something off my mind/heart and a pre-whatever to what I actually want to write,but don’t have time right now because I need to go to bed lol

I was just praying and I told God,I’m scared. I’m scared/nervous/whatever and my mom isn’t here. Sometimes,life legitimately sucks without her. I also told Ace I probably need to cry soon. I felt it today and I think a little yesterday. But no time right now. I will though. I think. One day.

To be continued…

missing  my mother. told the story tonight, haven’t told it in awhile. everyone is sleep or…away, somehow, but…idk…I’ve been doing “good”, been “okay”, lately. I think so, anyway. big changes and the holidays are coming, though, so..inevitably, these familiar, not quite dormant feelings of pain and loss resurface. not that they were ever below the surface…just…so much other stuff piled on top of it, sometimes it’s hard to see. but it’s always there.

sometimes I just want her, you know?

have to remember that I’m not alone. God is always here and He loves me. He knows my pain and understands it and He can comfort me, though I often feel inconsolable. He can do what seems to be impossible. He cares. He knows. I don’t understand and, honestly, not sure I want to…because it wouldn’t make me feel any better, necessarily. But He is here.

might need to go back after all. idk.

I miss you, Lady. So very much…and that is still an understatement. Can’t wait until I see you again.

“…the more I realize that God’s ideal for His creation will never match the world’s- one relies upon the spirit of man as called out in faith by the omniscient and sovereign Creator of the universe while the other results from the manipulation and subsequent distortion of the spirit of man in order to appease a temporary and ephemeral world standard. Such an incongruity is easy to overlook when we believe that if we could just fit society’s image then everything else in life would fall into place. But a place of peace based on society’s standards doesn’t exist. On the contrary, the yearning to mirror society’s image leaves us hungering for more. Because our self-esteem is rooted in our spirit, our longing to know who we are in Christ cannot be answered by countless diet and exercise programs in an attempt to remake our physical beings. Such a pursuit leaves our spiritual longing unanswered. Such a pursuit never silences the voices. Instead, the voices from without eventually are joined by the voices from within.”

Regina Franklin, “Who Calls Me Beautiful? Finding Our True Image in the Mirror of God”

…the more I realize tha…

Today

This post is going to be fairly short (looking at it, clearly it isn’t that short lol) & I’m combining it with another post from the “A Time For Everything” notebook thing I got from the counseling lady. Let’s get that over with:

If there was something I would have added to your service, it would have been: 

I can’t think of anything that I would add. I definitely wish we didn’t have to have it at all..but…I don’t necessarily remember the entire day as a fluid motion of time. Even though I wrote a post about it, it is more like a day of flashes, sort of. I guess it was “nice”. A lot of people came. A lot of people were sad. The days following were hard though, but, like I said. I can’t think of anything I would have added. My sister & I wrote part of the eulogy and we contributed some songs to be played. I think that was nice and important for us..to feel like we were doing something for you/to help out. *shrugs*

————————–

On another note, this has been an interesting semester. Quite stressful, in various ways and not even just for me. For other people that I know as well. I was going to say a lot has happened and, in some ways, a lot has. My heart aches for the pain my sisters and other friends are feeling. Then it also reminds me of my own pain, weird thing going on. On top of that, the semester is drawing to a close, summer plans need to be finalized, I need a job, have to start thinking about after graduation. Idk. Although under sad circumstances, I met one of the strongest families this past week. They are hurting, but are still trying and determined to press into God. While I can’t help but think that my reaction was the exact opposite, it also encourages me a bit. I’m praying for them and thankful to have them as an example.

I was telling Crown Jewel yesterday that it is important to listen to music about God. I’ve been pretty upset with Him lately and, unconsciously, haven’t been listening to any music that talks about God. On the train ride home, I started listening to some and I felt my entire being start to feel…better? different? I don’t know. But I’m glad I have been doing it. Hillsong, Sidewalk Prophets, Bryan Pound, Smokie Norful and a few others have really been standing out to me. I think it is some progress. Also, just thinking about where I am in life and where I want to go (career wise and personally)..just..idk. Sorry, I can’t put it into words as well. I feel lighter, though. I’ve felt so heavy, consistently, since December 7, 2009. I don’t know. Maybe I have a little hope. I want to step out in faith. I do. Pain..whatever type it may be, can be such a hindrance in your life. Whatever it stems from, it’s like it is determined to slowly, but surely eat its way through every aspect of your life until there is nothing left. But..I think of all the people who I want to help and encourage and who I tell not to give up. All of that means I can’t give up earlier. And I’m still hurt, in so much pain, but I have to keep going. So..I say all of that to say, today I am feeling a bit encouraged. Stressed and tired, lol, but also encouraged. I miss my mother. I always will. Some days will be better than others. But today, I’m encouraged.

I Might Not Actually Post This…

I think I need to…Idk. Prayer/Fasting probably. I was watching a bunch of P4CM (Passion for Christ Movement) videos on youtube (PLEASE check them out, if you haven’t. I really like them and their videos) and got to watching a bunch of their “Ex” shirts. I have been thinking for awhile that maybe I would like one, but I haven’t been sure which one I would get. Sometimes I think people are of the opinion that I haven’t been through/don’t go through things since I haven’t been through what a lot of people had, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have struggles/insecurities or whatever. Anyway, I stumbled across one that Mali Music did (check him out also, his music is great) for the Ex-Doubter shirt. I just got finished watching his interview on that and it sort of got me to thinking. Actually, the shirt itself got me thinking. I think I’ve written on here before that I don’t think I’m where I was in my relationship with God when my mom first died. Then, I was…almost ready to just be done with Him. It hurt too much and I didn’t want to deal with it, I didn’t want to deal with Him. I blamed Him for not stopping it. That was my biggest issue with God at the time and it is still a hard thing to get over now. But I locked up my heart and my mind and tried to separate myself from Him. Fast forward…a few months and I ended up going to Campus Harvest and the cage around my heart opened a bit. Fast forward a 2 yrs and I’m where I am now..I recently decided (and wrote here, I think..maybe) that I was tired of fighting God. And that I was going to stop. So I did. And I’m not fighting Him anymore..but..I think instead of me fighting Him, doubt has entered my heart a little. And I think that’s why the shirt resonated with me a bit..because I don’t want to doubt Him. The pain that I feel from my mother’s death is unlike anything I have ever felt before. I keep thinking that I shouldn’t feel this way, the truth is, it was/is an enormous event in my life..she is a big part of my life, so…Idk I guess this is “normal”? But being me, being human..my brain wants to understand. I don’t understand why this happened…I don’t understand why it happened the way it happened..when it happened..why He allowed it to happen..and sometimes because I know I may not ever understand until Jesus comes back or I get to heaven, it’s like, well..if I can’t understand it, what else am I to do?

In the video, Mali Music said, “All doubt was erased, BUT by love, it wasn’t erased by knowledge…Love conquers all.”

He touched on some other aspects of his relationship with God that I could also identify with, like having trouble believing in/seeing God as a personal God for him. I think I have grown in that aspect too, but it is still something I struggle with sometimes..believing/seeing that God loves me on a personal level, not just on some grand “God loving humanity” thing. But..I think my doubt, in part, stems from fear and hurt. If I want to step out of this, I have to be open to God’s love and comfort. Fear is kind of ridiculous in that sometimes it can almost paralyze you…not only in the sense that it stops you from doing something, but it can stop you from doing one thing and do something else instead. Heading down a path you shouldn’t be going on in the first place. That combined with hurt/pain..It’s tricky. But God is able. I believe there is a way out, it is just hard to see it sometimes.

This is how I felt…

Being at your funeral service…

Put this off for awhile..guess I may as well continue with them. It’s long..so..sorry but..it’s my blog, right? lol 

As dramatic as it may sound, I’m pretty sure I felt like it was the worst day of my life. It was worse than the wake, to me, because the funeral had a sense of finality to it. But even at the wake, I remember looking at you and thinking that you didn’t look like yourself. Ace came  (HUGE s/o to Intrinsic Force for helping her come btw) and I remember everyone thinking she was a cousin because apparently she looks like us (“us” being the family lol). But, yea, at the wake, I remember Ace and I went in there and I held her hand and we walked up to the casket. I thought to myself, it doesn’t look like her..odd because it was/wasn’t. The whole, “absent in body is present with the Father thing”. But then it was weird…so weird seeing you in that context. I remember tears welled up in my eyes and I told Ace that we could leave now. So we walked out. A lot of people came to the wake because you knew SO many people. Some of my friends from kindergarten came..one friend of mine said that she didn’t cry until the wake. I think everyone was shocked. We all were. I was.

I remember my sister and I went shopping for something to wear to the funeral..I specifically did not want to wear all black, so I just wore black slacks, but I had this like..almost maroon colored button down that I wore instead. I probably halfway bought it because I thought you would like it. It is now one of my favorite shirts. Anyway. I talked to my #8 the day before or earlier in that week and told her that I would probably be calling her because that week was going to be a lot. I also think almost every day that week I talked to Lyrical Wisdom. She stayed up with me my first night home..until like 3am…I think all I did was cry, but I appreciate her staying on the phone with me, especially since she had an early class the next day.

The funeral was held at a church we used to attend, I think because it was bigger than our church was at the time.  My sister and I wrote part of the eulogy and added to what was in the program. We also put some music on a cd to be played..I remember walking into the sanctuary and up the stairs to give the CD to someone and looking over the balcony. Maybe then it hit me why we were all there, I don’t know. Now that I think about it, it almost seems like I remember that day in parts..patches of time, not a fluid motion. The next image that comes to mind is sitting in the front row. My cousin sat next to my sister, then Ace, then me. Then I think my stepfather and his kids later came and sat next to him. My uncle (our pastor) and the pastor of the church where we had the service kind of led the whole thing. A few people who knew you well and for a long time came and spoke about you and my aunt too. A common thread throughout everyone’s words were how nice you were, that you love(d) the Lord, how bright your smile is, that you loved your kids, your husband, and your family. And you were/are so dedicated to your job and touched so many people.

My cousin read the story thing in the program..it was a nice, long..and yet too short summary of your life. But it was written well, I think. It had stories and facts and some funny things in it. 3 girls from my church, 3 sisters, sang “He Is Exalted”. I LOVE when they sing that and so do you..it definitely had me in tears. As immediate family, we were first to walk up to the casket at the end. I think my sister and I went separately, each of us with whomever we had chosen to sit next to us. I don’t remember if I went first or my sister..but I remember walking up there,holding Ace’s hand tightly and staring at the casket..and then walking back to my seat. She could probably tell you my reaction(s) throughout the day because I definitely don’t remember. I know/assume I cried, but I don’t know when. Knowing me, it was a silent cry. After awhile we walked out of the church, got in the limo and headed toward the cemetery.

I guess I’ll stop here. Sometimes I replay the funeral and the wake in my head. I think it happens, sometimes, almost without me willing it. Mostly, though, I replay the night it all happened. I have to stop it sometimes..stop myself from doing it if I can’t handle/take all of the emotions and memories. I know it really said ‘how did you feel at the funeral’. I just told the whole day. Sometimes I just want to tell someone about it.

> Writing

I’m a little upset because I want to write but I have a serious case of like..writer’s block or something. I want to write something for me, for others, and then I have to write something for class. But I can’t get to it and it is really frustrating. and the due date is looming ever closer. I have like..first lines, but they don’t go together and all the subsequent lines I don’t like. Actually..maybe part of the reason I can’t get to it, some of it, is because I’m not being honest with myself or God about some things. That could be part of the block. Guess I should work on that, then.