Two weeks ago I had a relatively good week. Definitely wasn’t expected, but I thought it would be fleeting. & it was. But I was talking to C about it and how since I was ‘distracted’, essentially, things didn’t seem as bad.  I’ve been here before…last semester, the day before I was going to see my father, I was pretty happy. Still dealing with my mother’s death, but with C’s help I felt like I was finally making some type of progress. Finally seeing beyond the fog. And then my father died and all of a sudden I was plunged back into the same arena I thought I was emerging from.

Going through the stages of grief I recognize the emotions and thoughts I’m having in regards to my father as similar to the ones I had when my mother died. Of course there are differences because the relationship I had with my father was vastly different from the one I had with my mother. To this, however, we add a third line of now having neither of them which is an entirely different matter. It’s hard to sort through these things, especially given everything else going on…trying to graduate, figuring out what to do after graduation/with my life, along with the other things constantly running across my mind. For someone as analytical as I am, all of this is frustrating and even makes me angry. Recently I’ve been thinking that if I post/say/do something “normal”, that means I’m not…sad (seems inadequate, but it’ll do). Logically, I know that’s not true and I don’t have to put on a happy face..or a sad one for that matter. I don’t have to feel guilty for being happy sometimes or for having a good day. A good week. Smiling. Laughing. By that same token, it’s also okay if I’m angry or sad or whatever the case may be.

It’s only been 2 months and 5 days…I tell myself on a fairly regular basis that I shouldn’t feel the way I do, but it hasn’t been that long. Even if it had been, the fact remains that any death leaves behind its mark on loved ones. And that’s okay. C tells me all the time to give myself permission to feel. Permission to…be angry, be sad, not talk, keep to myself, be…whatever it is that I am. It’s hard for me to do that, but I am going to try. At the same time, I will try to give myself permission to smile when I want to or laugh or have fun.

I’ve lost a lot of motivation…it seems things happen right in the thick of everything else. I have decisions to make and things to think about, but at the same time I’m trying to process all of this and it can be overwhelming. Balance is all off lol Again, I think C would say that’s okay. She’s always talking about taking “baby steps” lol So I’ll try to do that I guess. Take the things I need to do and kind of prioritize and do them in steps. That’s all I can do at this point. I want to avoid going to the place I was in when my mom died, but somehow it seems inevitable because my father’s death automatically makes me relive my mom’s while also having its own nuances. It’s all wrapped up together. I’m deciding to try to fight it and try to remember that as I emerged from the fog before, it can happen again. But the process is not to be rushed. Right now my only goal is not to give up. Despite…everything…I cannot give up.

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Oh, hi…

I’m going to try to make this quick since I’m tired and want to get up early.

I haven’t written in awhile. It’s weird. I think awhile ago I was realizing how much I write here and was wondering if that was good or not. I was actually considering closing/canceling my account. But I haven’t as yet.

This has been a really difficult semester. It’s over though, thank God. But it’s been hard.

This semester I saw a new counselor lady. Let’s call her B. She’s my age, which was weird sometimes, but kinda cool too, I think. I like her..she reminds me a little of one of my kids, actually. She’s definitely different than the one I had last year, but I like her. She’s really nice. Very personable and easy to talk to. She teared up when I talk about my mom and how I feel and stuff. I can tell she really empathizes with me. I usually swallowed my tears when they threaten to come to the surface during one of our “sessions”. B gave me an assignment once…not to push down my emotions or feelings when I get sad or whatever, when it comes to my mom. It’s an interesting situation, though, because I don’t necessarily/really want to talk about it, but I’m not supposed to push it down either. So I had to find other ways to deal with it. But now I’ve taken to applying that to multiple areas. I’ve always been an emotional person, I just don’t show those emotions. She has me showing them now. I told her I blamed her for my reaction to things being tears now. Madness.

Though this semester has been tough, it’s also had some good as well. I’ve gained a renewed appreciation for the people in my life. I have a really good support system and amazing friends and sisters. Trying to get reconnected with some people who I haven’t talked to in awhile. But yay to them and who they are…and who they will be. Additionally, I’ve met new people, who I now can’t imagine my life without. And I’m thankful for that.

Anyway. Talking to B every week has definitely helped me out, our last session was last week and I’m taking it better than I thought, I think. I kind of miss the sessions though, is that weird? She asked me how I felt about it and I told her I had gotten used to it…to talking things through with her and…I guess to her “probing” questions. She had me thinking about things sometimes in ways I hadn’t before or even when I didn’t want to think/talk about them. Not that she forced me to talk. Because she didn’t. I think I kind of felt like, I might as well talk to her, that’s what I came for. Anyway. I guess that’s all for now. Maybe more later.

Pre-???

Ok,well I’ve been wanting to write an actual blog for awhile,but I haven’t had the time. End of the semester crap is real right now. I’m almost done,but still have a few days left.

This is more so to get something off my mind/heart and a pre-whatever to what I actually want to write,but don’t have time right now because I need to go to bed lol

I was just praying and I told God,I’m scared. I’m scared/nervous/whatever and my mom isn’t here. Sometimes,life legitimately sucks without her. I also told Ace I probably need to cry soon. I felt it today and I think a little yesterday. But no time right now. I will though. I think. One day.

To be continued…

missing  my mother. told the story tonight, haven’t told it in awhile. everyone is sleep or…away, somehow, but…idk…I’ve been doing “good”, been “okay”, lately. I think so, anyway. big changes and the holidays are coming, though, so..inevitably, these familiar, not quite dormant feelings of pain and loss resurface. not that they were ever below the surface…just…so much other stuff piled on top of it, sometimes it’s hard to see. but it’s always there.

sometimes I just want her, you know?

have to remember that I’m not alone. God is always here and He loves me. He knows my pain and understands it and He can comfort me, though I often feel inconsolable. He can do what seems to be impossible. He cares. He knows. I don’t understand and, honestly, not sure I want to…because it wouldn’t make me feel any better, necessarily. But He is here.

might need to go back after all. idk.

I miss you, Lady. So very much…and that is still an understatement. Can’t wait until I see you again.

“…the more I realize that God’s ideal for His creation will never match the world’s- one relies upon the spirit of man as called out in faith by the omniscient and sovereign Creator of the universe while the other results from the manipulation and subsequent distortion of the spirit of man in order to appease a temporary and ephemeral world standard. Such an incongruity is easy to overlook when we believe that if we could just fit society’s image then everything else in life would fall into place. But a place of peace based on society’s standards doesn’t exist. On the contrary, the yearning to mirror society’s image leaves us hungering for more. Because our self-esteem is rooted in our spirit, our longing to know who we are in Christ cannot be answered by countless diet and exercise programs in an attempt to remake our physical beings. Such a pursuit leaves our spiritual longing unanswered. Such a pursuit never silences the voices. Instead, the voices from without eventually are joined by the voices from within.”

Regina Franklin, “Who Calls Me Beautiful? Finding Our True Image in the Mirror of God”

…the more I realize tha…

Today

This post is going to be fairly short (looking at it, clearly it isn’t that short lol) & I’m combining it with another post from the “A Time For Everything” notebook thing I got from the counseling lady. Let’s get that over with:

If there was something I would have added to your service, it would have been: 

I can’t think of anything that I would add. I definitely wish we didn’t have to have it at all..but…I don’t necessarily remember the entire day as a fluid motion of time. Even though I wrote a post about it, it is more like a day of flashes, sort of. I guess it was “nice”. A lot of people came. A lot of people were sad. The days following were hard though, but, like I said. I can’t think of anything I would have added. My sister & I wrote part of the eulogy and we contributed some songs to be played. I think that was nice and important for us..to feel like we were doing something for you/to help out. *shrugs*

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On another note, this has been an interesting semester. Quite stressful, in various ways and not even just for me. For other people that I know as well. I was going to say a lot has happened and, in some ways, a lot has. My heart aches for the pain my sisters and other friends are feeling. Then it also reminds me of my own pain, weird thing going on. On top of that, the semester is drawing to a close, summer plans need to be finalized, I need a job, have to start thinking about after graduation. Idk. Although under sad circumstances, I met one of the strongest families this past week. They are hurting, but are still trying and determined to press into God. While I can’t help but think that my reaction was the exact opposite, it also encourages me a bit. I’m praying for them and thankful to have them as an example.

I was telling Crown Jewel yesterday that it is important to listen to music about God. I’ve been pretty upset with Him lately and, unconsciously, haven’t been listening to any music that talks about God. On the train ride home, I started listening to some and I felt my entire being start to feel…better? different? I don’t know. But I’m glad I have been doing it. Hillsong, Sidewalk Prophets, Bryan Pound, Smokie Norful and a few others have really been standing out to me. I think it is some progress. Also, just thinking about where I am in life and where I want to go (career wise and personally)..just..idk. Sorry, I can’t put it into words as well. I feel lighter, though. I’ve felt so heavy, consistently, since December 7, 2009. I don’t know. Maybe I have a little hope. I want to step out in faith. I do. Pain..whatever type it may be, can be such a hindrance in your life. Whatever it stems from, it’s like it is determined to slowly, but surely eat its way through every aspect of your life until there is nothing left. But..I think of all the people who I want to help and encourage and who I tell not to give up. All of that means I can’t give up earlier. And I’m still hurt, in so much pain, but I have to keep going. So..I say all of that to say, today I am feeling a bit encouraged. Stressed and tired, lol, but also encouraged. I miss my mother. I always will. Some days will be better than others. But today, I’m encouraged.