& Now

I moved. Super happy for the big picture. I wasn’t at all happy where I was. Although I had semi-recently formed some friendships…so I was sad to leave those, but I know our friendship won’t end just because I’m not there. Being laid off from your job definitely has pros/cons. I keep telling myself (and others) that I’m trying to look at this as an opportunity. As I was telling my cousin yesterday, if I hadn’t been laid off, I’m not sure when I would have moved/left. Despite my desire to leave, I was also afraid of quitting my job to just pick up and move. But part of that decision was taken away from me, so here I am lol

It’s been pretty good so far. I’ve missed the city, the diversity, the food, my friends. Still looking for a job, but that’s to be expected. I was talking to my cousin yesterday about my future and not getting stuck again. I’ve never been a risk taker, but I’m at the point in my life where many things are a risk. Especially if I want to continue on this search for happiness. Here I’m reminding myself that the word I chose for this year was endeavor. Which, for me, includes some aspect of risk. I don’t like that lol But I guess that’s why it’s good.

This weekend my uncle has been visiting…I haven’t seen him in a long while, so it’s been nice. He’s also helping his daughter with some things around the house and his granddaughter with some things. Sometimes I get sad watching them. That’s why I decided to write here, it’s one way for me to express the combination of: being happy to see him, happy seeing him help and just the dynamic of his relationship with the two of them..plus my own sadness/memories.

Anyway. I’m definitely going to try to be more intentional with my pursuit of employment.  I’m not trying to have more jobs I dislike…escaping from darkness can be liberating, but the threat still lingers..and I don’t want to go back to that place.

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2016

Inspired by one of my brothers, I decided to choose a word for 2016. The way he defined/described the purpose of the word was as an alternative to resolutions. Not only that, but it, in some ways, is even more than a list of things you want to accomplish. Instead, the word helps to guide you throughout the year and when it comes to decisions you need (or want) to make. It can embody a plethora of goals/ambitions/aspirations. I think I’ve done resolutions in the past, but I haven’t really adhered to them very strictly.

After hearing his take on having a word, I decided to think of one for myself and finally chose Endeavor. It has a couple definitions, which I’ve written below:

en·deav·or
verb
1. try hard to do or achieve something.
noun
1. an attempt to achieve a goal.
2. earnest and industrious effort, especially when sustained over a period of time.
  • an enterprise or undertaking.

 

The more I think about this word, the more I think it is perfect for me. I’m in such a weird place in my life. In almost every way. I’ve been feeling stagnant and stuck. I hate it, but I don’t know what to do about it. This year, though, I want to try to accomplish and reach for things that I want. Even if/although I think I won’t be successful..or despite all the fear(s) I have, I want to try. I want to intentionally pursue the things I want in life. I read a quote that basically talked about the significance of trying. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being afraid to fail…falling is part of life. But not trying is a whole different beast. This is going to be very hard for me and will require me stepping out of my comfort zone in so many ways. Not to be cliche, but I hope this is the start of a new journey for me. Come what may. (to an extent lol).

Wish me luck.

Now

I’m graduating tomorrow..today, I suppose, technically. It’s an odd thing. A good thing, but odd. Neither of my parents will be here with me. Two of my aunts are going to be here though, a couple cousins, and some friends. and my sister of course. Sister said tonight she wished my mom was here and I echoed her sentiment. I also wished I could call my father to tell him about it, how I got a grade I didn’t expect, maybe about my outfit (though I’m sure he wouldn’t get it) and send him pictures later. My aunts remind me of my mom in so many ways. Expected heartache is different from unexpected, obviously, but just as painful. I haven’t really been focusing on things the past week and a half. Yes, of course, I’m excited to have finished what I seriously doubted I would. I was over school in so many ways lol But it is hard for me to enjoy it. I am happy. But I’m also so sad. My mind is constantly, unconsciously at times, preoccupied with the reminder that my parents are no longer here. And I fear that casts a dark shadow on every big event/accomplishment in my life.

It’s getting late though and I have to go to sleep to be ready to start tomorrow. It’s hard to be honest with myself, and others, about how I feel when I feel like people just want me to be excited or happy. & if I’m not, I’m not only letting them down, but wasting the time and effort they put into coming here. And yet…while I am happy, there’s also so much more. 

These Are The Times

Seems like everything is making me emotional these days.

Well. Maybe not everything. Maybe specific things. Just seems like it is more this time. I think Madame once asked me if it seems like it gets more intense when certain events are coming up. Pretty sure I’ve written about that before. I think that’s true.

These next few years should be interesting. As much as I’m looking forward to graduation,I think it will hurt too. I have been charged to smile at least 7 times on Sunday. Sp we will see how that goes too. I asked Ace if we could do something that day and she said yes,so that should be cool.

Kinda an abrupt ending to this post,sorry. Just wanted to get a few thoughts out.