& Now

I moved. Super happy for the big picture. I wasn’t at all happy where I was. Although I had semi-recently formed some friendships…so I was sad to leave those, but I know our friendship won’t end just because I’m not there. Being laid off from your job definitely has pros/cons. I keep telling myself (and others) that I’m trying to look at this as an opportunity. As I was telling my cousin yesterday, if I hadn’t been laid off, I’m not sure when I would have moved/left. Despite my desire to leave, I was also afraid of quitting my job to just pick up and move. But part of that decision was taken away from me, so here I am lol

It’s been pretty good so far. I’ve missed the city, the diversity, the food, my friends. Still looking for a job, but that’s to be expected. I was talking to my cousin yesterday about my future and not getting stuck again. I’ve never been a risk taker, but I’m at the point in my life where many things are a risk. Especially if I want to continue on this search for happiness. Here I’m reminding myself that the word I chose for this year was endeavor. Which, for me, includes some aspect of risk. I don’t like that lol But I guess that’s why it’s good.

This weekend my uncle has been visiting…I haven’t seen him in a long while, so it’s been nice. He’s also helping his daughter with some things around the house and his granddaughter with some things. Sometimes I get sad watching them. That’s why I decided to write here, it’s one way for me to express the combination of: being happy to see him, happy seeing him help and just the dynamic of his relationship with the two of them..plus my own sadness/memories.

Anyway. I’m definitely going to try to be more intentional with my pursuit of employment.  I’m not trying to have more jobs I dislike…escaping from darkness can be liberating, but the threat still lingers..and I don’t want to go back to that place.

TKO

There are times I think I’m fine and other times I’m sure I’m not. Both probably say something about where I am on/in this whole “grieving process”. I don’t know that I’m afraid of death perse, but I fear the process of dying. It’s probably more because it’s unknown. And though I wouldn’t say I’m a control freak, I do like/prefer to be in the know. The thought of life slipping away from me or suddenly being ripped from my grasp is a scary thing. I suppose that’s normal. But my mother dying almost 5 years ago and my father a few months ago has me seeing death in places I do not wish to see it, but I cannot help it. In places  where it may not even be that “serious”, it’s the first thing I think of. And when I think about it, I get such a feeling of anxiety and dread, that I don’t even know what to do with it or how to rid myself of it. The sinking feeling in my stomach at reliving what I already do or someone else experiencing what I know too well. I know death is a part of life…I hold no grand delusions that I will live forever, but at times like these I fear death has overwhelmed my psyche. 

Today

This post is going to be fairly short (looking at it, clearly it isn’t that short lol) & I’m combining it with another post from the “A Time For Everything” notebook thing I got from the counseling lady. Let’s get that over with:

If there was something I would have added to your service, it would have been: 

I can’t think of anything that I would add. I definitely wish we didn’t have to have it at all..but…I don’t necessarily remember the entire day as a fluid motion of time. Even though I wrote a post about it, it is more like a day of flashes, sort of. I guess it was “nice”. A lot of people came. A lot of people were sad. The days following were hard though, but, like I said. I can’t think of anything I would have added. My sister & I wrote part of the eulogy and we contributed some songs to be played. I think that was nice and important for us..to feel like we were doing something for you/to help out. *shrugs*

————————–

On another note, this has been an interesting semester. Quite stressful, in various ways and not even just for me. For other people that I know as well. I was going to say a lot has happened and, in some ways, a lot has. My heart aches for the pain my sisters and other friends are feeling. Then it also reminds me of my own pain, weird thing going on. On top of that, the semester is drawing to a close, summer plans need to be finalized, I need a job, have to start thinking about after graduation. Idk. Although under sad circumstances, I met one of the strongest families this past week. They are hurting, but are still trying and determined to press into God. While I can’t help but think that my reaction was the exact opposite, it also encourages me a bit. I’m praying for them and thankful to have them as an example.

I was telling Crown Jewel yesterday that it is important to listen to music about God. I’ve been pretty upset with Him lately and, unconsciously, haven’t been listening to any music that talks about God. On the train ride home, I started listening to some and I felt my entire being start to feel…better? different? I don’t know. But I’m glad I have been doing it. Hillsong, Sidewalk Prophets, Bryan Pound, Smokie Norful and a few others have really been standing out to me. I think it is some progress. Also, just thinking about where I am in life and where I want to go (career wise and personally)..just..idk. Sorry, I can’t put it into words as well. I feel lighter, though. I’ve felt so heavy, consistently, since December 7, 2009. I don’t know. Maybe I have a little hope. I want to step out in faith. I do. Pain..whatever type it may be, can be such a hindrance in your life. Whatever it stems from, it’s like it is determined to slowly, but surely eat its way through every aspect of your life until there is nothing left. But..I think of all the people who I want to help and encourage and who I tell not to give up. All of that means I can’t give up earlier. And I’m still hurt, in so much pain, but I have to keep going. So..I say all of that to say, today I am feeling a bit encouraged. Stressed and tired, lol, but also encouraged. I miss my mother. I always will. Some days will be better than others. But today, I’m encouraged.

Just My Thoughts…

Someone once said (they know who they are…maybe lol) that learning/realizing things about yourself is an amazing process. I’m paraphrasing of course lol But it really is. The last few years I have really come to know myself. Sometimes I feel like up until fairly recently, I went my entire life suppressing who I was in some aspects. It was a combination of low self-esteem and just wanting to be accepted. I’m only now really allowing myself to disagree with people, for example. and even then, it is usually with people I really trust…and even with them, the disagreement is slight, but if I trust you enough..I will do it. It isn’t to be difficult, it’s more of something I have to do for me. And I’m not obnoxious about it, I don’t disagree just to do it. But I think it is that for so long I didn’t let myself disagree with people…I have spent my entire life thinking I’m always wrong (still working on that) and there are times that when I disagree with people, I have to make my opinion known…for me.

One of my sisters emailed me this really good sermon on fear. Fear is so powerful and so real. It has kept me from doing many things…something “simple” as calling or texting someone, to thinking/doubting my dreams or ambitions, doubting God…it’s dark or else I would share some of the quotes. Maybe later. One thing I was thinking about tonight was keeping a journal. An Honest Journal. Or as honest as I dare. I don’t really like writing things down, on paper, sometimes because I was always afraid that at some point someone would come along and read it. To me, the safest thing I could do, was keep it in my head. Share it with some people, if I really needed/wanted to get it out. But rarely write things down. Usually I start writing, but end up tapering off. For a few reasons, including this one. I don’t know. It’s a thought. I really want to try combat this fear that seems so rampant in my life sometimes.

I talked to Speakerboxx today…talking to her is always wonderful. I told her something and she made me realize I actually had an epiphany. I didn’t even realize it at the time. Amazing how..names..apply even when processes are over. Before and after. It’s interesting. Anyway, I think this is a new journey I’m about to embark on. I know I have support…and as always, I’m grateful and appreciative for them. I wish so badly my mom was here too, though. At times, even when things aren’t…horrible…it’s like the faster I move, I can almost unconsciously trick my mind into thinking she is still here. Right now, for example…the world is quiet, so it leaks in…washing over everything. But earlier, when I was doing things, a few things at once, as I tend to do..it’s like there was no room. Of course I hadn’t forgotten, but I wasn’t focusing on it 100%. Looking back a few hours, now, it’s like that was a time when things could have been different. Somehow. Some way.

Just my thoughts…

Observation

Comparing yourself to others can have dangerous results to who you are as a person. Especially when it comes to the purpose that God has for your life…I’ve noticed I have put a lot of limitations on myself because of a combination of fear, self doubt and comparisons.

LoVe

One of my sisters once said of me, “Ade, when you like something, you really, really like it.” I have thought of her/that a few times when a situation presents itself that proves that statement true. & it is. I’ve noticed with music and food especially lol If I come across a song I have never heard before, but really like, I will listen to it over and over and over. I LOVE cereal. Most people know that I could eat cereal all day, everyday and be perfectly content. I would also like to make a disclaimer that if this song is old, don’t judge me. I don’t listen to the radio often and this station down here seems to play old music. So sue me. Anyway, I heard this song on the radio and thanks to a lovely little app called Shazaam, I was able to find out the artist and the name of it. It’s called “Arms” by Christina Perri.  My favorite line in the song is:

 I hope that you see right through my walls. I hope you catch me, cause I’m already falling

I googled the lyrics and the song because I don’t like it when I like a song and then find out the artist meant something different lol Not that it changes completely what it meant to me, but I just like to be sure of things. Christina said the following things about the song:

” ‘Arms’ is about the fight between your heart and your mind. Your heart wants to be loved, but your head is always telling you reasons to to be with him or her, or how you are not worth the love. It’s about the struggle and finally giving in when you’re wrapped in their arms. Then you get it. Then you feel loved and love wins.”

Yea..I think this song says a lot. Even though she is speaking in terms of romantic love, I don’t think it has to be limited to that alone. It also encompasses love from different types of relationships: friendships, parent-child, siblings, family…love in general.  Sometimes people feel that they aren’t worth loving. Sometimes they are afraid to be loved and even to love in return because of the hurt that has come from it in the past.

For me, I like the line I mentioned above because I feel like when I do get in a relationship, dude is going to have to fight to get past the walls that I have up. I remember I met this guy at school once and we were talking (such a ridiculous slang word lol) and he was obviously interested in me. The one thing I remember thinking to myself clearly was, “Oh, this is a game.” I was convinced he could have no reason to be attracted to me or interested in me. I didn’t believe it was or could be legit, but I said, “ok. It’s a game. I’ll play.” I think I did that to feel more in control of the situation and if it didn’t “work out” (which it didn’t), then I would be fine. And I was. But I sort of have that mindset in general. But that isn’t to say that I don’t want to be loved or in a relationship one day. I do. But this is what I have up at the moment. A few other lines I think are important:

The world is coming down on me and I can’t find a reason to be loved/I never wanna leave you but I can’t make you bleed if I’m alone/You put your arms around me/And I believe that’s its easier for you to let me go

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth/And I’ve never opened up/ I’ve never truly loved til you put your arms around me

You put your arms around me and I’m home

I think the lyrics speak for themselves so I’m going to TRY to not write too much about them (I get carried away sometimes when I write lol).

But the first one…people who feel like they aren’t worth being loved, like I said  and when they realize they are..they want to just love in return, but another worry they have is hurting the one they love which, in turn, brings them back to not feeling worthy if they hurt they one(s) they do love and who love them. Continuing with that, feeling as if it’s easier for people to let go of or leave them because it isn’t a real love or a love that they need/desire/want.

Secondly, not really wanting to open up because of the fear that when you do…you will get attached and then get hurt or let down.

And, lastly, the feeling of having someone’s arms around you, someone who you do love and who loves you back. Who cares about you. I like that it is compared to “home” wherever that may be. It doesn’t have to be where you grew up, it can be the place or person or people who you feel safe with or who you can be yourself with, everything down and everything open and nothing matters. I think about a good hug, for this line. When I need a hug, the people I want a hug from…that make everything a little better or make me happier, cheer me up, I feel safe, comforted and all of that. The best hugs ever.

If you’re reading this, and you think this applies to you or I’m writing because I thought about you…you’re probably right lol This song almost makes me cry. There are so many broken hearts that need healing. So many hearts that were broken unnecessarily..not that there is a reason for it to be broken, but I mean hearts that shouldn’t have been. Hearts that trusted and opened only to be hurt as a result. I just want to tell you, to tell US (because I’m in that category…if you know me, you know that while a lot of things may not have happened to me, I have my own struggles. we all do.), that it is ok to want to be loved. Some of us desire to be in a relationship one day or had relationships that ended or had a love (from whomever -romantic or not) that wasn’t returned or was perverted in some way or that was taken advantage of…it won’t always be like this. & you do deserve to love and be loved in return. I hope everyone knows that God loves them. And sometimes even though we know that, that isn’t necessarily the type of love we are talking about. We are talking about a romantic love or even a friend’s love, someone just to be there. To be around. I’m just starting with God because He needs to be first. And He is love. The ultimate expression of it. It’s something I struggle with too. But know that God loves you. On a personal, one-on-one, face-to-face level. He loves YOU as YOU, for YOU. He loved you first and He will love you last. Then, please remember that I love you too.  I also think the video is pretty cool. Enjoy.