Organized Chaos

I’ve been wanting to write a post for awhile, but haven’t gotten around to it. I feel like work (and life) keeps me either busy or tired. When I do have time to myself, I spend it sleeping or watching something online. I’ve realized I haven’t been reading as much lately either. I want/need to make that more of a priority, but even that’s hard when all I want to do is lay down most of the time. 

Let’s play catch up…

I turned 29 last month. That’s weird. I feel old, but I’m also quickly reminded of how young I still am, in many ways. Thinking back, I think I expected my life to be different. I thought I’d somehow have my life figured out by now, and I don’t. I feel more confused than ever. Who knew that being an adult would feel so..unadult-like?  I thought I’d be more stable by now, and, though I’m doing ok, I’m not where I’d like to be. That’s fine though, I know there’s time for that. Well. Theoretically it’s fine. In reality, I may or may not be freaking out about it on some level lol 
What else…I didn’t expect to have a boyfriend, a nice, albeit odd, occurrence that happened a few months before my birthday. I was able to experience Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and my birthday with him. It’s odd for a variety of reasons, but wrestling with my insecurities has taken on a new turn with him in my life. He’s aware of them, and speaks to them at times, but I try to do my part as well. As usual, I find myself overthinking and over analyzing things…using my logical side to talk myself out of (or into) things. I have some trust issues that make me not want to be too…anything (too happy, too trusting, etc.) but I am trying to live in the moment and not get caught up in things I shouldn’t, while also being ‘common sense’ about things. I do think we mesh well though. We’re similar in many ways and very different in others. Of course, I think about my parents and wishing they could meet him. Wishing I could talk to my mother about things because this is new for me. I have, however, found some comfort in close friends who allow me to talk when I need it. Then, I suppose, I have the blog when I want to just write…and my thoughts are my constant companion, of course.

I’m also planning to attend 4 weddings this year. 3 friends and 1 family member. It’ll be a busy year. The first one is in a few weeks and I’m excited. A little nervous about the bridesmaid dress, but it’s lovely so I think I’ll be ok. Hopefully. Lol 

Lastly (for now), is that I’m trying to figure out what in the world I’m going to do with myself in life. I’m no longer sure I want to teach lol one thing that remains certain is my desire to work with/concerning the international  community. I’m just unsure about the capacity. I need to spend some time seriously considering what it is I want to do. I’ve realized that so much of me is caught up in what I feel is expected of me, and I don’t like that. I’ve prided myself on being able to fit in most places…as an introvert, it’s a handy skill. But I have to be careful too and make sure that I still remain true to myself. 

This is getting long so, I’ll stop here for now. Thanks for listening. 


Golden Slumbers

I had a dream about my mother last night. It was wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time. In typical dream fashion, when I first awoke the dream was so clear. Now, I can feel it getting dimmer; the details slipping from my grasp. 

I was making my rounds saying goodbye to friends and coworkers. I remember not being sure where I was going. I thought I might be staying in the area (wherever the area was), but I wasn’t positive. So, I told people I’d let them know. I distinctly remember being in the car with my mother, and her waiting for me while I ran inside another building to say my goodbyes. I approached a friend of mine, A, gave her a hug, and told her my mom was waiting for me/my mom was here. 

A pulled back from me, met my eyes, and said, “No, she’s not.”

Perplexed, I willed myself to recall the image of my mother in the car waiting for me. This was successful so, puzzled, I looked at A and said, “…yes. She is. She’s downstairs.” 

This is where the details are starting to escape me. I’m not sure if she told me once more or just let me keep talking/gave me another hug. I do remember, clearly, the moment I realized that she was right. I grabbed her and fell to my knees, tears in my eyes. It was like seeing the truth for the first time. The memory of her waiting just downstairs had been replaced with the knowledge that she died some time ago. 

“You’re right,” I said, “She’s not.” 

Change Always Coming

It’s normal for there to be highs and lows in life, right?

One of the many, unfortunate normals of life, I suppose.

There are some changes happening in my life, and I’m happy about them. For different reasons, including selfish ones. But I’ve found as they become closer and closer to taking place, it also makes me long to have my mother here. I wonder if I’m the only one or if my sister feels the same way. I’m sure she does.

I made a trip home recently. I usually don’t like going home…and tend to shy away from large family gatherings. As nice as these things are (I’ve written before), they tend to remind me more that my mother isn’t (t)here. This time was different though. We stayed with different people throughout the week. There was a fairly large family gathering. There was also some family drama (of course lol). But it was good. It was the first time, in a long time, that it wasn’t awful being home.  I guess that’s good. I’m sure it is..and I’m sure that means something.

But right now…I’ve given myself a timeframe for accomplishing things I want to do. One way or another it involves me moving this time next year. My sister is making some changes of her own. I know she’s nervous about it, I would be too. But I think it’s good for her. Change, however, makes us, almost involuntarily, want to look to our parents.

That’s the hard part. Looking for people who aren’t here. Not knowing, at times, who to turn instead. Or knowing, but just not quite being right. For some reason I’m scared about my moments of longing for my mother overwhelms me…in this season of change I’ll be in not-quite-completely-new surroundings. And I’m not sure how I’ll express myself…or if I will. That will be something I’ll have to work on.

I saw the following quote on Goodreads semi-recently:

“A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones.” – Kristin Hannah, Summer Island 

It’s been almost 6 years. SIX years. I still can’t believe it. Almost 2 for my father. My age doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, I’m still a little girl wanting her parents.

I screenshot the quote when I saw it. Sometimes I feel like I’m drawn to sad things. But I don’t need to be reminded of this quote. It actually embodies some of what I read in a book about women whose mothers have died. Quite accurate it is. I think I keep thinking that it’ll get easier the older I get. Even though I know it’s not true. In some ways, it actually seems to be ‘getting’ worse.

& Now

I moved. Super happy for the big picture. I wasn’t at all happy where I was. Although I had semi-recently formed some friendships…so I was sad to leave those, but I know our friendship won’t end just because I’m not there. Being laid off from your job definitely has pros/cons. I keep telling myself (and others) that I’m trying to look at this as an opportunity. As I was telling my cousin yesterday, if I hadn’t been laid off, I’m not sure when I would have moved/left. Despite my desire to leave, I was also afraid of quitting my job to just pick up and move. But part of that decision was taken away from me, so here I am lol

It’s been pretty good so far. I’ve missed the city, the diversity, the food, my friends. Still looking for a job, but that’s to be expected. I was talking to my cousin yesterday about my future and not getting stuck again. I’ve never been a risk taker, but I’m at the point in my life where many things are a risk. Especially if I want to continue on this search for happiness. Here I’m reminding myself that the word I chose for this year was endeavor. Which, for me, includes some aspect of risk. I don’t like that lol But I guess that’s why it’s good.

This weekend my uncle has been visiting…I haven’t seen him in a long while, so it’s been nice. He’s also helping his daughter with some things around the house and his granddaughter with some things. Sometimes I get sad watching them. That’s why I decided to write here, it’s one way for me to express the combination of: being happy to see him, happy seeing him help and just the dynamic of his relationship with the two of my own sadness/memories.

Anyway. I’m definitely going to try to be more intentional with my pursuit of employment.  I’m not trying to have more jobs I dislike…escaping from darkness can be liberating, but the threat still lingers..and I don’t want to go back to that place.


Tonight I watched a movie about a widower who traveled across the country to visit his kids. Robert DeNiro was in it, so I figured I’d give it a chance. Plus, I saw it as a preview in another movie I watched. I enjoyed it overall…one part of the plot involved the kids talking more to their mother, over the course of their lives, than their father. This continued after their mother’s death as well. They told their father only what he wanted to hear, while being more honest with their mom (the mother kept things from the father also since he worried a lot/pushed the kids to be perfect).

This reminded me of my relationship with my parents (of course lol)..though a tad different. But growing up my sister and I were much closer to my mom than my father. I didn’t lie to my father, but I told him more good things than bad. It was only in the last couple of years before his death (and after my mom died), that I started telling him when I was worried or stressed..or in need. Sometimes.

Watching Robert DeNiro go across the country visiting his kids (NY – Chicago – Denver – Vegas) also made me realize how much I [will] miss growing up (because despite being 28, I still feel, amazingly, like a child lol)..getting older without my parents. It’s something I’ve thought about before, specifically in terms of big life events, but this just made me think of the small things. Small things I know my mom would do and, I guess, small things I might do with my father..and things he’d do in his own way. There are a set of cousins in particular, and their parents, who I love so dearly because of the support they have offered my sister and I, especially in the wake of our parents’ deaths. I see their posts (whether my aunt’s or uncle’s posts about their kids or my cousins’ posts about their parents or their own children) and it makes my heart ache.  I suppose what it boils down to is I don’t feel like a daughter anymore. And the loneliness, the emptiness, of such a realization still hurts.


Inspired by one of my brothers, I decided to choose a word for 2016. The way he defined/described the purpose of the word was as an alternative to resolutions. Not only that, but it, in some ways, is even more than a list of things you want to accomplish. Instead, the word helps to guide you throughout the year and when it comes to decisions you need (or want) to make. It can embody a plethora of goals/ambitions/aspirations. I think I’ve done resolutions in the past, but I haven’t really adhered to them very strictly.

After hearing his take on having a word, I decided to think of one for myself and finally chose Endeavor. It has a couple definitions, which I’ve written below:

1. try hard to do or achieve something.
1. an attempt to achieve a goal.
2. earnest and industrious effort, especially when sustained over a period of time.
  • an enterprise or undertaking.


The more I think about this word, the more I think it is perfect for me. I’m in such a weird place in my life. In almost every way. I’ve been feeling stagnant and stuck. I hate it, but I don’t know what to do about it. This year, though, I want to try to accomplish and reach for things that I want. Even if/although I think I won’t be successful..or despite all the fear(s) I have, I want to try. I want to intentionally pursue the things I want in life. I read a quote that basically talked about the significance of trying. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being afraid to fail…falling is part of life. But not trying is a whole different beast. This is going to be very hard for me and will require me stepping out of my comfort zone in so many ways. Not to be cliche, but I hope this is the start of a new journey for me. Come what may. (to an extent lol).

Wish me luck.


19 days ago was the anniversary of my parents’ deaths. I didn’t write about it, the day of was a largely uneventful day..until the end of the day itself. I got really upset toward the end of the night. I was told that I was handling it well/dealing with the day well. I think those words took me back to a time where I felt like…if I wasn’t in pain, I was forgetting them or something. But I reminded myself that, earlier that day/leading up to the day, that whether or not I act in a manner that I or other people expect..when it gets right down to it, the pain is there and it is consistent. I have good days and bad days…good moments and bad moments. And the good moments don’t mean I’m not hurting. Just like the bad moments don’t mean there weren’t be good moments. Although sometimes I feel otherwise.

It’s still so weird being without my parents. It’s just…strange. There are constant reminders, sometimes more present than others, that they aren’t here. I watch shows or see people I know, or don’t know, turning to their parents in times of trouble or stress…and it always reminds me that I can’t do that anymore. My unhappiness is compounded by the fact that I cannot reach out to them. That I will not be able to. As I’ve mentioned before, it puts a damper on everything…on life itself. Even the small hope I have for the future, my future, seems unable to reach its full potential.