It’s been awhile (thing I always say when there’s a lengthy time in between posts). I also tend to say that I’ve been meaning/wanting to write, but I haven’t had (read: MADE) the time. It’s still true, though.
I’m making the time tonight because there is way too much going on in my head. Hoping that writing it down…getting it out…might help. Probably won’t but, hey, worth trying.
Some of my friends and I were recently talking about how we’re not doing anything that we want to be doing. Essentially, our lives are shaped around things we fell into or have to do out of necessity/obligation. Don’t get me wrong, we are all aware that sometimes in life (sometimes all the time) you have to do things you don’t want to. However, the unhappiness of it all can be soul crushing. We’re supposed to choose one thing to do over the course of the next 3 months that is something we really want to do (in general, towards a future career goal, whatever). I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet.
To be honest, I’m scared that I’ll choose something and not do it. I wish I could just take some time to figure things out, but I can’t. It’s so frustrating. I wish I had taken the time when I had the time. I didn’t, and I can’t.
So. Now, what?
Yesterday a friend and I were discussing how millennials get talked about for job hopping, even when it’s in our best interest. I definitely think it’s true and that it happens for other reasons as well. Sometimes I think we [I] are just wondering if it’s possible to leave a job simply because we’re not happy. I’m NOT saying that bills and other responsibilities shouldn’t also be considered. I’m just saying I also don’t think it’s healthy to have a society that focuses so much on appearances that people are more likely to “push through” a job or situation that makes them unhappy because of societal pressures/norms.
It sounds cliche, but, as it’s something I’ve experienced, I wish we were able to put more importance on our own happiness. It’s sad when we have to accept not being satisfied with things in our life. Feeling like we don’t have a choice or nothing will improve anyway. Or to take the chance isn’t worth it because you’ll be ridiculed for it.
At the end of the day, I’d just like it to be okay for people to strive for happiness in their lives.
Because otherwise…what’s the point?
Today is my mom’s birthday. She’d be 64 today. Which, when I think about it, is kind of wild because that’s still young! So very young.
Some people have asked me how I’ve been today, and I made it through. I told one friend that it’s an ongoing thing anyway. It comes and it goes. I had moments, I have moments…I’ll have more. I think I’ll probably spend some time thinking a lot before bed. Makes sense, since I was busy at work. Despite being unable to focus (non-related). Watching Black Girls Rock tonight actually made me all emotional, so I had to turn it off. I’ll finish it another day. I try not to romanticize my parents. They weren’t perfect by far. I’m sure my mom and I would have some disagreements these days. I’ve changed in these soon to be 8 years. But I loved my mother fiercely, and it’s hard not to. Regardless.
I miss her so much.
I’ve written before about how I can’t imagine many things in my life without her. Even though it’s happening, I’m living that unfortunate life, it’s still hard to think of other things further down the line. Being in a relationship, I definitely think about marriage more. I literally can’t imagine a wedding and having a good time without my mother. I know the reality is that I’m sure I would have a great time, and it would be a lovely affair. But…the thought of it actually makes me really sad. What am I supposed to do without her? I don’t know, for sure, if I want kids, but how do I do that without her? Again, I know that…I’ve obviously done things since my mom died. Big and small. Since my parents have died. But none of them have been as good as they could have been. My fear is that the same thing would happen around a wedding or the birth (or adoption) of a child. I also know there are many ways to somehow include family members/loved ones who have died in events. I’ll almost certainly do that. How can I not? But no one tells you how hard the living would be afterward. And, as happy as I am with a few aspects of my life, that feeling is always there.
Happy Birthday, Lady.
I started a very different post but, now, after a phone call…I’m feeling very different. So, I’m changing the direction of the post accordingly. In some ways, I feel like my life is so messed up. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that I’m privileged, blessed, etc. And I’m grateful for what I have, especially after everything that went down last summer. Also because I didn’t have all that I had before. I’m happier, in other ways, than I’ve been in a long time. But it’s still a struggle living paycheck to paycheck and not doing…something.
He told me that I’m mission oriented. Maybe I am. I’ve never stopped to think about it like, but it could be true. That could be part of the reason why, every week around this time and almost every night during the week, I want to cry. I did cry one morning last week. This afternoon, I almost did. Right now, I almost did. This afternoon, I took deep breaths and told myself it was okay. I
could can do this.
It. will. be. okay.
My emotions are all over the place, which I attribute to a few different things. It doesn’t help that my mom’s birthday is this month. Followed by my father’s next month. Their…seems weird to use “anniversary” in this context, but that date is in December.
I have some things to look forward to. That I wouldn’t be able to do if I wasn’t in the position I’m in. I’m grateful for that. I just…I don’t know.
I keep wanting to write but then don’t. Or starting but don’t finish. Hoping to just get some things down tonight.
Life is going okay. I’m working on happiness in my life. There are definitely some things I’m happy about: relationship, higher salary, new apartment. But some things I’m not so happy about as well. I think, in this post, I’ll focus on the things I am happy about/grateful for.
I’m in a relationship with someone who loves me. It’s difficult because sometimes I’m tempted to wonder if it’s fake. It’s hard to accept love when you don’t think you deserve it. However, I’m grateful for vacation planning and the thought that went into the possibility of traveling an extra 2 hours to take me to the Harry Potter theme park. Asking me to smile because it makes him happy. [Almost] no matter what happens, I hope I can remember that it is possible for me to be loved, and I deserve it.
Higher salary because it’s allowed me to save and start to pay down my credit card in a way that doesn’t help me feel as strapped for cash. I’m also able to pay the devil that is my student loan payment.
New apartment because 4 walls and no roaches! Also (for both the new and old apartment), for friends who allow me to make their home my home. Last summer was rough #WontHeDoIt
Mother’s Day is coming up. Soon to be followed by Father’s Day. I don’t like this time of year because I’m bombarded by ads all over the place telling me where to get “the best gift for mom”. Even if I wasn’t watching tv, I saw a sign on a restaurant door or a couple emails in my inbox. Can’t escape it.
In the past, a friend or two have suggested doing something to remember/honor my mother (or father) on these days or their birthdays. Rarely do I take follow that advice, but sometimes I think about it. My selfish wish for Mother’s Day would be to take my mom out to brunch or dinner and discuss my life. In real life, I probably wouldn’t do this. In real life, it’d be all about her. But I think this because it’s been almost 8 years since I’ve had a conversation for her. So, of course, my wish is to sit down and have these grand discussions. About M, seminary and how it sparked a change in everything I thought I knew, my job, my uncertainty about my life, my insecurities, my fights with my sister (or other family members), friends…
Even though I like to think I’d talk about it all openly with her, the truth is I don’t know if I would.
All I know is that I would love the opportunity.
I was going to start this off by saying “lately”, but I realized that would be me being dishonest with myself and the blogging universe (lol). I don’t know if it’s been always but for a long time I’ve been preoccupied with this idea of comparison and perfection. Or, if not perfection exactly, the constant worry of what people think about me. And it sucks. Completely. It’s interesting because there are some times/things where I really don’t care. Then, there are others, when I can’t seem to let it go. At times it comes down to how do I or my things hold up to these other things or people. As usual, it’s very painful. I know I shouldn’t do it (and usually tell myself so), but sometimes it almost feels like I can’t help it. Which is terrible, I know.
I compare myself to my friends.
I compare my relationship or myself in my relationship.
I compare my life as a whole.
It all comes down to me feeling inadequate.
I’m not _______________ enough.
I’m not enough.
I’ve struggled with this for a long time, almost as long as I can remember. I’m pretty sure I’ve written about it before. I’ve talked about it in counseling before.
I’m constantly trying to fight this because it’s an obstacle to living. It distracts me from life while also chipping away from my personal significance and how I relate to those around me.
But, oh, the difficulty.
“Comparisons deplete the actuality of the things compared… ” – William S. Wilson