I was going to start this off by saying “lately”, but I realized that would be me being dishonest with myself and the blogging universe (lol). I don’t know if it’s been always but for a long time I’ve been preoccupied with this idea of comparison and perfection. Or, if not perfection exactly, the constant worry of what people think about me. And it sucks. Completely. It’s interesting because there are some times/things where I really don’t care. Then, there are others, when I can’t seem to let it go. At times it comes down to how do I or my things hold up to these other things or people. As usual, it’s very painful. I know I shouldn’t do it (and usually tell myself so), but sometimes it almost feels like I can’t help it. Which is terrible, I know.
I compare myself to my friends.
I compare my relationship or myself in my relationship.
I compare my life as a whole.
It all comes down to me feeling inadequate.
I’m not _______________ enough.
I’m not enough.
I’ve struggled with this for a long time, almost as long as I can remember. I’m pretty sure I’ve written about it before. I’ve talked about it in counseling before.
I’m constantly trying to fight this because it’s an obstacle to living. It distracts me from life while also chipping away from my personal significance and how I relate to those around me.
But, oh, the difficulty.
“Comparisons deplete the actuality of the things compared… ” – William S. Wilson