Well, I haven’t written in here in awhile. I think it might be safe to say, at least for now (lol), that I won’t be getting rid of this anytime soon. I clearly don’t write in it very often, but it’s nice to come back to. I was showing M my blog recently and that made me want to reread some of my posts. It was interesting doing that- seeing where my mind was/is/has been and comparing it what it is now.
I’ve been getting frustrated lately because it seems like I either can’t get to what I want or I’m at the edge, but can’t quite reach what I want. Or sometimes that I don’t know what I want. But then I was thinking too, I have a lot to be thankful for- I have a job, I have food, clothes, I can pay my bills. I think sometimes when we get frustrated at something in our lives (or just our lives in general) we often feel bad and equate that with being ungrateful. I don’t think the two always go hand in hand. I’m beyond grateful for what I have. & actually, I don’t really want much more than what I have, in terms of material things. Sure, I’d like to change my quality of life, in some ways, but I’m not saying I want to be super wealthy. & even that, right now, is not my greatest desire. I’m not even altogether sure what my greatest desire is, but I know I’m not happy right now. It’s quite difficult feeling stuck and feeling unable to change the fact that you’re stuck. I see things that I want to do, but it’s like no matter what I do, I can’t get there. Either I can’t afford it or it wouldn’t work right now or who knows what. Sometimes I’ll tell myself, “well, it takes time.” Which is true, it does sometimes, but other times, the time has passed and meanwhile I’m still sitting here. Watching other people and their lives go by. And I don’t consider myself one of those people who “let’s life happen to them”. I also think that’s a pretty general statement, because unless you know just about every facet/detail of someone’s life, how can you say that? Or maybe you can, but just make sure. I don’t know.
In any case, I don’t consider myself that type of person (but who knows, maybe I am), it is more so that at times I literally don’t see how I can reach the things I would like to attain. It seems like a vicious cycle that I’m unable to get out of. I want to try, and I do, but any more than what I’ve already done and I worry that it’ll upset the other things I’ve got going on. The things that are crucial and have to be kept constant. My friend told me once she thinks the word “resilient” describes me. I’ve been trying to remember that and apply that to..situations…to life. I’ve never really thought of myself as resilient honestly. Right now I’m wondering if today will be the day that I lose myself, that I lose the ability to hold it all together. That my ability to take care of myself and provide for myself somehow crumbles. Then what? Am I still resilient then? Perhaps so, she would argue. She might say that my resiliency isn’t based on what happens to me, but on how I react. But even then? If I’m one step away from losing it all..does that include the resiliency? I don’t know. I’m tired, though. I’m tired of feeling this way. I think I told a counselor once that I feel heavy. It’s exhausting carrying around this feeling. There are days, most days, when I don’t want to go to work. For various reasons. Days I want to just stay in my bed, watch Netflix, and hide from the world. Again, different reasons. But my reason tomorrow is because I don’t want to face my unhappiness. And Netflix can bring happiness, however fleeting lol 🙂 But..yea. I guess, in the end, I just want to reach my destination.