As always when I haven’t written in awhile, I’ve toyed with the idea of deleting this blog. Still haven’t done it yet though lol Tonight had a mini start of a conversation with my sister and decided to write about that. She asked me if I was happy and, when I asked about/with what, she said, “About/with life.” I answered, “No.” and kept the conversation going (as I do lol). The conversation went different, less serious, places, visiting this topic once, but it did make me think. I’m not happy with life, and I’m okay/comfortable with that.
I haven’t been happy for awhile, but one thing that has changed over the last 5 years/9 months is that I have an inkling of hope. It’s not much, but I am grateful for it and for where it has come from. I try not to stifle it or to suffocate it with my realist..or what, at times, can be pessimistic nature. It’s hard. It’s hard because sometimes I feel I’ve distance myself from life because all I expect is pain in some ways. Which feels/sounds cliche, but that doesn’t make it less true. The inkling of hope is a bit of an encouragement though I don’t expect or want it to grow for fear it’ll be taken from me. But it’s something. And it’s something I didn’t have before, so I think that’s good. I think C would agree. I’d like to be happy one day. The inkling tells me…well. I’m not sure. It either tells me that maybe it’s possible or that at least it’s not impossible.