Today

This post is going to be fairly short (looking at it, clearly it isn’t that short lol) & I’m combining it with another post from the “A Time For Everything” notebook thing I got from the counseling lady. Let’s get that over with:

If there was something I would have added to your service, it would have been: 

I can’t think of anything that I would add. I definitely wish we didn’t have to have it at all..but…I don’t necessarily remember the entire day as a fluid motion of time. Even though I wrote a post about it, it is more like a day of flashes, sort of. I guess it was “nice”. A lot of people came. A lot of people were sad. The days following were hard though, but, like I said. I can’t think of anything I would have added. My sister & I wrote part of the eulogy and we contributed some songs to be played. I think that was nice and important for us..to feel like we were doing something for you/to help out. *shrugs*

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On another note, this has been an interesting semester. Quite stressful, in various ways and not even just for me. For other people that I know as well. I was going to say a lot has happened and, in some ways, a lot has. My heart aches for the pain my sisters and other friends are feeling. Then it also reminds me of my own pain, weird thing going on. On top of that, the semester is drawing to a close, summer plans need to be finalized, I need a job, have to start thinking about after graduation. Idk. Although under sad circumstances, I met one of the strongest families this past week. They are hurting, but are still trying and determined to press into God. While I can’t help but think that my reaction was the exact opposite, it also encourages me a bit. I’m praying for them and thankful to have them as an example.

I was telling Crown Jewel yesterday that it is important to listen to music about God. I’ve been pretty upset with Him lately and, unconsciously, haven’t been listening to any music that talks about God. On the train ride home, I started listening to some and I felt my entire being start to feel…better? different? I don’t know. But I’m glad I have been doing it. Hillsong, Sidewalk Prophets, Bryan Pound, Smokie Norful and a few others have really been standing out to me. I think it is some progress. Also, just thinking about where I am in life and where I want to go (career wise and personally)..just..idk. Sorry, I can’t put it into words as well. I feel lighter, though. I’ve felt so heavy, consistently, since December 7, 2009. I don’t know. Maybe I have a little hope. I want to step out in faith. I do. Pain..whatever type it may be, can be such a hindrance in your life. Whatever it stems from, it’s like it is determined to slowly, but surely eat its way through every aspect of your life until there is nothing left. But..I think of all the people who I want to help and encourage and who I tell not to give up. All of that means I can’t give up earlier. And I’m still hurt, in so much pain, but I have to keep going. So..I say all of that to say, today I am feeling a bit encouraged. Stressed and tired, lol, but also encouraged. I miss my mother. I always will. Some days will be better than others. But today, I’m encouraged.

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