I think I need to…Idk. Prayer/Fasting probably. I was watching a bunch of P4CM (Passion for Christ Movement) videos on youtube (PLEASE check them out, if you haven’t. I really like them and their videos) and got to watching a bunch of their “Ex” shirts. I have been thinking for awhile that maybe I would like one, but I haven’t been sure which one I would get. Sometimes I think people are of the opinion that I haven’t been through/don’t go through things since I haven’t been through what a lot of people had, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have struggles/insecurities or whatever. Anyway, I stumbled across one that Mali Music did (check him out also, his music is great) for the Ex-Doubter shirt. I just got finished watching his interview on that and it sort of got me to thinking. Actually, the shirt itself got me thinking. I think I’ve written on here before that I don’t think I’m where I was in my relationship with God when my mom first died. Then, I was…almost ready to just be done with Him. It hurt too much and I didn’t want to deal with it, I didn’t want to deal with Him. I blamed Him for not stopping it. That was my biggest issue with God at the time and it is still a hard thing to get over now. But I locked up my heart and my mind and tried to separate myself from Him. Fast forward…a few months and I ended up going to Campus Harvest and the cage around my heart opened a bit. Fast forward a 2 yrs and I’m where I am now..I recently decided (and wrote here, I think..maybe) that I was tired of fighting God. And that I was going to stop. So I did. And I’m not fighting Him anymore..but..I think instead of me fighting Him, doubt has entered my heart a little. And I think that’s why the shirt resonated with me a bit..because I don’t want to doubt Him. The pain that I feel from my mother’s death is unlike anything I have ever felt before. I keep thinking that I shouldn’t feel this way, the truth is, it was/is an enormous event in my life..she is a big part of my life, so…Idk I guess this is “normal”? But being me, being human..my brain wants to understand. I don’t understand why this happened…I don’t understand why it happened the way it happened..when it happened..why He allowed it to happen..and sometimes because I know I may not ever understand until Jesus comes back or I get to heaven, it’s like, well..if I can’t understand it, what else am I to do?
In the video, Mali Music said, “All doubt was erased, BUT by love, it wasn’t erased by knowledge…Love conquers all.”
He touched on some other aspects of his relationship with God that I could also identify with, like having trouble believing in/seeing God as a personal God for him. I think I have grown in that aspect too, but it is still something I struggle with sometimes..believing/seeing that God loves me on a personal level, not just on some grand “God loving humanity” thing. But..I think my doubt, in part, stems from fear and hurt. If I want to step out of this, I have to be open to God’s love and comfort. Fear is kind of ridiculous in that sometimes it can almost paralyze you…not only in the sense that it stops you from doing something, but it can stop you from doing one thing and do something else instead. Heading down a path you shouldn’t be going on in the first place. That combined with hurt/pain..It’s tricky. But God is able. I believe there is a way out, it is just hard to see it sometimes.