This is how I felt…

Being at your funeral service…

Put this off for awhile..guess I may as well continue with them. It’s long..so..sorry but..it’s my blog, right? lol 

As dramatic as it may sound, I’m pretty sure I felt like it was the worst day of my life. It was worse than the wake, to me, because the funeral had a sense of finality to it. But even at the wake, I remember looking at you and thinking that you didn’t look like yourself. Ace came  (HUGE s/o to Intrinsic Force for helping her come btw) and I remember everyone thinking she was a cousin because apparently she looks like us (“us” being the family lol). But, yea, at the wake, I remember Ace and I went in there and I held her hand and we walked up to the casket. I thought to myself, it doesn’t look like her..odd because it was/wasn’t. The whole, “absent in body is present with the Father thing”. But then it was weird…so weird seeing you in that context. I remember tears welled up in my eyes and I told Ace that we could leave now. So we walked out. A lot of people came to the wake because you knew SO many people. Some of my friends from kindergarten came..one friend of mine said that she didn’t cry until the wake. I think everyone was shocked. We all were. I was.

I remember my sister and I went shopping for something to wear to the funeral..I specifically did not want to wear all black, so I just wore black slacks, but I had this like..almost maroon colored button down that I wore instead. I probably halfway bought it because I thought you would like it. It is now one of my favorite shirts. Anyway. I talked to my #8 the day before or earlier in that week and told her that I would probably be calling her because that week was going to be a lot. I also think almost every day that week I talked to Lyrical Wisdom. She stayed up with me my first night home..until like 3am…I think all I did was cry, but I appreciate her staying on the phone with me, especially since she had an early class the next day.

The funeral was held at a church we used to attend, I think because it was bigger than our church was at the time.  My sister and I wrote part of the eulogy and added to what was in the program. We also put some music on a cd to be played..I remember walking into the sanctuary and up the stairs to give the CD to someone and looking over the balcony. Maybe then it hit me why we were all there, I don’t know. Now that I think about it, it almost seems like I remember that day in parts..patches of time, not a fluid motion. The next image that comes to mind is sitting in the front row. My cousin sat next to my sister, then Ace, then me. Then I think my stepfather and his kids later came and sat next to him. My uncle (our pastor) and the pastor of the church where we had the service kind of led the whole thing. A few people who knew you well and for a long time came and spoke about you and my aunt too. A common thread throughout everyone’s words were how nice you were, that you love(d) the Lord, how bright your smile is, that you loved your kids, your husband, and your family. And you were/are so dedicated to your job and touched so many people.

My cousin read the story thing in the program..it was a nice, long..and yet too short summary of your life. But it was written well, I think. It had stories and facts and some funny things in it. 3 girls from my church, 3 sisters, sang “He Is Exalted”. I LOVE when they sing that and so do you..it definitely had me in tears. As immediate family, we were first to walk up to the casket at the end. I think my sister and I went separately, each of us with whomever we had chosen to sit next to us. I don’t remember if I went first or my sister..but I remember walking up there,holding Ace’s hand tightly and staring at the casket..and then walking back to my seat. She could probably tell you my reaction(s) throughout the day because I definitely don’t remember. I know/assume I cried, but I don’t know when. Knowing me, it was a silent cry. After awhile we walked out of the church, got in the limo and headed toward the cemetery.

I guess I’ll stop here. Sometimes I replay the funeral and the wake in my head. I think it happens, sometimes, almost without me willing it. Mostly, though, I replay the night it all happened. I have to stop it sometimes..stop myself from doing it if I can’t handle/take all of the emotions and memories. I know it really said ‘how did you feel at the funeral’. I just told the whole day. Sometimes I just want to tell someone about it.

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