Someone once said (they know who they are…maybe lol) that learning/realizing things about yourself is an amazing process. I’m paraphrasing of course lol But it really is. The last few years I have really come to know myself. Sometimes I feel like up until fairly recently, I went my entire life suppressing who I was in some aspects. It was a combination of low self-esteem and just wanting to be accepted. I’m only now really allowing myself to disagree with people, for example. and even then, it is usually with people I really trust…and even with them, the disagreement is slight, but if I trust you enough..I will do it. It isn’t to be difficult, it’s more of something I have to do for me. And I’m not obnoxious about it, I don’t disagree just to do it. But I think it is that for so long I didn’t let myself disagree with people…I have spent my entire life thinking I’m always wrong (still working on that) and there are times that when I disagree with people, I have to make my opinion known…for me.
One of my sisters emailed me this really good sermon on fear. Fear is so powerful and so real. It has kept me from doing many things…something “simple” as calling or texting someone, to thinking/doubting my dreams or ambitions, doubting God…it’s dark or else I would share some of the quotes. Maybe later. One thing I was thinking about tonight was keeping a journal. An Honest Journal. Or as honest as I dare. I don’t really like writing things down, on paper, sometimes because I was always afraid that at some point someone would come along and read it. To me, the safest thing I could do, was keep it in my head. Share it with some people, if I really needed/wanted to get it out. But rarely write things down. Usually I start writing, but end up tapering off. For a few reasons, including this one. I don’t know. It’s a thought. I really want to
try combat this fear that seems so rampant in my life sometimes.
I talked to Speakerboxx today…talking to her is always wonderful. I told her something and she made me realize I actually had an epiphany. I didn’t even realize it at the time. Amazing how..names..apply even when processes are over. Before and after. It’s interesting. Anyway, I think this is a new journey I’m about to embark on. I know I have support…and as always, I’m grateful and appreciative for them. I wish so badly my mom was here too, though. At times, even when things aren’t…horrible…it’s like the faster I move, I can almost unconsciously trick my mind into thinking she is still here. Right now, for example…the world is quiet, so it leaks in…washing over everything. But earlier, when I was doing things, a few things at once, as I tend to do..it’s like there was no room. Of course I hadn’t forgotten, but I wasn’t focusing on it 100%. Looking back a few hours, now, it’s like that was a time when things could have been different. Somehow. Some way.
Just my thoughts…