Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. Not even necessarily because of gifts,but I liked the season,the feeling of it all,the music,the lights and other decorations, and (provided I didn’t have to wait outside) the snow. Honestly,I don’t think I have focused as much on the significance/symbolism of celebrating Christ’s birth as I should,but of course that is amazing as well.
I suppose it still is my favorite holiday in some ways. Finding the perfect gift to put a smile on someone’s face is an amazing, albeit frustrating, process. The moment you realize that you have found it,is awesome.
In 2009, we were still reeling from the shock of my mom’s death. Christmas did not exist that year.
In 2010, we had a year go by and…it still didn’t really exist,but it was a very disappointing time. There were moments leading up to it that I thought,for some reason, that I would come home and she would be there. That was probably one of the first times I begin to think that maybe she hadn’t died,but that I just hadn’t spoken to or seen her in a long time,but whenever I came home,she would be there.
This year…I’m not sure. It doesn’t feel like Christmas at all. Just like a regular day. I haven’t been home in a long time,so I am realizing how much I have missed people and things that have happened. It is still weird. In some ways though…being here feels so…”other”. I think I made it my mission to distance myself from home in an effort not to deal with a lot of stuff. Coming back made me see that I definitely succeeded in a lot of ways. I kept myself out while also keeping people at a distance or not letting them in at all. I definitely think I initially did it because family gatherings and the like made me think of her…and it was too painful. Like I said,I didn’t want to deal with it.
Maybe I can use this time to get reacquainted with my family. I have a grown a lot and am not the same person that I was when I went away for college. So much has happened. But I’m here now. It is Christmas,but it doesn’t feel like it to me.