Lasting

The last time we saw each other or talked was:

This is actually something that is semi hard for me to think about at times. The last time I saw you was in August 2009. You died in December. I came home for a visit over the summer…it was, without a doubt, the best trip home I had in awhile. For the past few years I had begun to sort of distance myself from home…it always seemed to be accompanied by drama of some sort and I didn’t want to deal with it..so I didn’t. I came home less and less..only for Christmas and an occasional visit in the summer.

But this time was good/better.

You knew it too, because you left me a note in my room (you always left notes…in the morning when you left for work or in our lunches, when we were kids). The note said that you would miss me when I left and that it had been a great visit. I think I was only home for a week or two, but I noticed the difference. The last time I saw you, was at the airport, when I was going back. I went to check my bags and came back to see you (I think I had some time before boarding) and you were near tears. I remember looking at you and saying, “Mom, what’s wrong?”…and you said, “I miss you.”

Knowing me, I probably slightly rolled my eyes and told you that I would be back in a few months for Christmas.

The last time I talked to you…you died on a Monday…I talked to you briefly..so, so briefly on Sunday. I remember you asking me if I went to church (which I hadn’t because I overslept..or just didn’t get up lol) and then I think we briefly talked about my sister. Then you said you were tired. The next day, I stayed up all night finishing a paper. Went to turn it in, came back to my apartment, and thought about calling you, but decided to wait. I decided I would wait until after 7 when my minutes were free and I think I thought that you were at work anyway. So I waited.

That’s hard for me to deal with…that I almost spoke to you that day, but didn’t. Was so close to calling you, but I didn’t. And that the last conversation we had was so brief and not really about anything. I remember you said you were tired..you sounded tired too.

I don’t think it would have made much of a difference if I had seen you or talked to you..meaning, I don’t think this would be easier. I just still wish it could have been more. I wish I had been there at the hospital.

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One thought on “Lasting

  1. JustLissen says:

    One thing that’s truly unique and special about you is your ability to show others that you love them even though it may be unconditional. I think we rarely get to say goodbye in the way we want, so we focus on the lat conversation. Instead focus on the million other conversations where you expressed & felt love for your mother. Your mom wouldn’t want you to feel guilty because she knows how much you love her and how urgently you keep her memory alive.

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