The lady gave me a book..a resource called, “A Time For Everything” with Psalm 3o:11-12 on it. The scripture reads:
11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
12 To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
On the inside, the scripture listed is Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. She said it’s used for people who are grieving. I told her about how I tend to write here instead of, like, in a journal or something and she suggested I even do the book here…so I think I will. It has things for each week..questions and scriptures. Here we go:
Week One- “A time to be born and a time to die (v.1)”-
I want to begin this journal by describing who you were and what you meant to me:
This could probably fill up a LOT of space. I’m trying to start this without any preconceived notions or ideas on how I should do this/how much I should write…nothing like that. But. Well, you are/were my mom. My biggest fan, without a doubt. I could always count on you to be behind me unless, of course, I was wrong..in which case I could usually count on you to tell me so. I remember as I got older you wouldn’t tell me how to fix my problems sometimes. I did not like that because I was always afraid of making the wrong decision or failing. An issue I still struggle with, but I think I’m getting better. As a single mom, you were the ultimate hero to me. I didn’t realize everything that you did for us growing up. Of course not…you wouldn’t let us know when/if we were struggling. I think I can say with confidence that we had all we needed growing up…of course as kids we asked for some ridiculous things. If you could, you got it for us. If not, we survived.
We would play with our barbies and polly pockets while you slept so you could be awake for your 2nd job on the weekends. We would answer the phone and tell people you were sleeping…and then promptly wake you up when it was time for you to go. I found out, accidentally, I think..a clue as to why you took us out of private school. As a kid, it didn’t occur to me how expensive things were.
Anyway. People seem to unanimously agree that your smile is/was AMAZING. I have to agree. Did people know the different degrees of it, though lol The joyous smile, facetious smile, sad smile…even the angry smile. I think the facetious one is my favorite though, seeing that sarcasm is another language in itself! lol
You would ask to taste our food and then mix it up..even when we SPECIFICALLY asked you not to smh..or how you would sing at the top of your lungs while cooking or cleaning, but then when I came into the living room looking for you, you would stop all of a sudden and just stand still and be quiet..so I couldn’t hear you. lol..I would walk around the corner and say, “Mom!” and you said “Oh! You can see me?”..Always thinking you are SO hilarious and I would tell you aren’t lol And that you aren’t cool. I would say, “Mom, you’re weird”…and your reply would be, “I was going to say ‘your mother’, but I am your mother. hahaha!”
You loved the Lord with ALL your heart. I think when that scripture was written, it was written about you lol And you had no problem telling people that your first love was God. But not in a patronizing or insulting way. You would just invite them to church and/or dinner. If they didn’t accept the invitation to church, then dinner it was. But I’m willing to bet sooner or later they came to church. I know I learned a lot about God and a relationship with Him from you. You were the first person I saw to be so in love with Him on a consistent basis…not like you acted as though bad things didn’t happen, but rather you tended to run to Him even in the midst of the darkness. That was always amazing to me. And I always thought you could solve any problem..or at least make me feel better in the process. Or anyone, for that matter. I remember when Mija was on line and she had a bad day..she came to my room and 1st thing I could think of was to call you and have you talk to her. Which I did and you cheered her up a little. Even now, my friends say how their short interactions with you provided them with so much joy and encouragement. Even today I wish I could call you when my friends are going through because I know you would have an encouraging word for them. Some of them you didn’t even get to meet. Some you saw or spoke to or heard a lot about…I wish you could have met Cloud 9, Little One, Madame. ISO, DGR, Point of Attack, Lyrical Wisdom, Ace, GEM, Clay-born…all of them (too many to name, so don’t anyone think they got left out lol). They mean so much to me and I want them to know you and you to know them. You have/had a lot of friends, so I think you understand how I feel about mine and I always appreciated that.
You are/were my rock, I think. Aside from God, I would take everything to you. And sometimes before God, which isn’t good..and you would ask me if I talked to ‘Dad’ about it.
It’s hard doing this for you.