Just thought I would throw this down before I start studying. I haven’t done any work this weekend yet, and this is no bueno.

Anyway. Yesterday I went to this summit thing and it was nice. It was good. A lot of people got prayed for and went to the altar and had an encounter with God and everything. But not me. At one point during the service they were just worshipping and encouraging people to tell God what He is to them and the only thing I could say that was true to me right now is, “God, I feel like You’ve let me down.” Is it good that I said that? Sure. I guess. I don’t remember if I said it in my last post or not, but the lady asked me what my goal is with all of this and I told her that I would like to not feel like this all happened yesterday. To feel like my life is falling apart. I’m having an exceptionally hard time trusting God. I don’t pray for myself, usually, or talk to/with Him about myself or my issues (concerning this or otherwise). I would say not usually serious things..I can pray for other people, but when it comes to me..idk.

I meant to write about all the drama going on at home..I talked to the lady about this too. It seems so complicated. Everyone is hurting and I almost feel like everyone just wants someone to take it out on. It’s hard sometimes when people encourage me and stuff because while I hear what they are saying, I also hear, “Yeah, but..it was mom. It was my mom.”..someone told me that it seems like I am putting myself on a timetable with this..that I feel like nearly 2 years later I should be at a certain place. Maybe I do. Idk. Like I said, I still feel, half the time, that it just happened. Sometimes it’s like getting used to it all over again. Asking why did this happen..did it really happen..it couldn’t have happened..it doesn’t make sense..I just talked to her..really? And I want to post to twitter, Facebook, chat status or wherever..that I just miss her. I do. My heart aches for my mother. I feel selfish when I say I want her all the time..I do..would I rather her be here suffering, than with God? And how she loves her Heavenly Father. One big thing about my mom that I think everyone knew. Whether you were a Christian or not..you knew she loved the Lord. No, I’m glad she isn’t pain. There are just so many other factors as well that I’m finding it SO hard to deal with. & I know I have said it before and I’m sorry for being redundant: that I hadn’t seen her for 4 months and I barely talked to her the day before..that I was waiting to call her..that I wasn’t there..I hate that I wasn’t there. None of these things would have made it any ‘easier’. I don’t think that.

Yet and still..


One thought on “Spill

  1. justlissen says:

    I think this was the realist post I’ve read from you. I know I’ve read the intensity of your writing before, but you’re rarely this honest. And it makes me want to hug you, console you, be there with you, be there for you. At the same time, I’m so glad you’re getting it out and verbalizing your hurt.

    Love you!

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