Orphan

Yesterday in the session she brought up that I once said I feel like an orphan. In a lot of ways I do…without my mom, I feel like I have no one. Yes, my biological father is still here…and while our relationship is better and perhaps is getting better, it just isn’t the same without my mom. In other ways I feel like with her gone, all ties to some other people have been cut. So I’m left around just floating sort of. She told me to think about the word “adoption” this week…how God has adopted us into His family and then, when I said I have a hard time relating/believing that God loves me personally, that when it comes to adoption, the child is chosen. God chose me and loves me as me. So that’s what I’m supposed to think about. She also asked me what my goal is with all of this. I was telling her about the drama at home and how while I am angry, I also need an outlet for my anger and that’s what it gets directed to. My goal…I know I’m not going to stop missing her. I have been told that and I have said that myself. My goal is to not feel like she died yesterday everyday or almost everyday. That would be nice. Right now, that’s how I feel. One tear fell while I was talking to her. She said I need(ed) to cry. I do cry sometimes. Maybe not as much as I could..or should…most times it comes upon me and if it overflows…I will let it sometimes.

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