In Passing

This kind of has to be a quick post b/c I just looked at the study guide for my next midterm and got scared lol But I think I seriously have an identity problem. Not mentally, necessarily, but I am constantly comparing myself to other people in some way. I think I am the queen of sometimes doing the same thing in different ways because it can take me awhile to realize what I did, but it boils down to the same things/thoughts.

why didn’t I think of that 

why didn’t I do that

why didn’t I tweet/fbook/write that

am I like that? (positive or negative thing)

should I be like that?

I’m sure I should be like this/that 

That’s actually one of the main reasons I took a break from fbook/twitter for awhile a little bit ago. I constantly look at these updates of some sort and compare myself or my life or my actions to them. I do this with people I know and people I don’t. It is worse sometimes with people I know because I am able to convince myself that they are better in some ways or whatever. I do that when especially when I’m with someone who I feel is more outgoing than I am. Let me make one thing clear, I am NOT shy. I am not. Being quiet does not equal shy. Looking back, I think I was classified and led to believe I was shy, but I’m not. Once you get to know me and I get to know you, I don’t shut up sometimes. But I have to be comfortable. If I’m not comfortable, I tend not to talk. That’s just how I am. And for the most part, I’m ok with that. It gives me a chance to observe, I suppose. Some people get/know/understand that about me. Others don’t. Sometimes I have to tell people before I go somewhere that odds are I won’t speak the entire time and it is then that people think something is wrong me. Sometimes I just don’t feel like talking though…and the majority of that time is when I’m uncomfortable. I got to a place at school where I thought I was going to make a friend. I was semi excited and I started to come out of my shell a bit. But then I convinced myself that it wasn’t going to happen because of the type of person they were and they knew other people blah, blah, blah..so I went back in. I noticed it and thought it was an interesting observation. I didn’t talk to them as much in class, etc. I changed that a little, though, I’m only halfway out of my shell. Shells are nice. At times. Their protective qualities come in handy.

I worry about not being what people want me to be for/to them. Or what I think I should be. When someone else does something for a friend/acquaintance, I wonder why I didn’t do that and may try to resolve to do it next time. I have to fight through stuff sometimes to find me. What  I wants to say or do in a situation. Not what is my version of something else. Not that there is anything wrong with pulling from other people’s ideas or whatever, but I think for me, if I’m being swallowed by things it is a problem. Which is probably why I may need to take a break from Facebook again. But that doesn’t solve the problem, although it helps. It seems, for now, one of the only ways I can stop myself from doing these things is to limit or cut myself off from it. I used to change my opinion based on what other people said. I think this was mainly because I always thought that everyone else’s idea/opinion was better than mine. If I liked something, but then you told me you didn’t..I wouldn’t necessarily stop liking it cold turkey, but I might like it less. I don’t do that anymore or I try not to. It has taken me awhile to get to the point where I can tell myself that it is ok for me to disagree with people. Deep down though, I still tend to think everyone else is right or better than I. Problematic.

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One thought on “In Passing

  1. DeAnna says:

    epic.

    its def a first step

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