Certain Uncertainty

**Wrote this a little bit ago. At the time, it didn’t really seem to be how I felt, just something I was writing. Now it kinda is how I feel**

Some days I swear, I feel like I’m dying. When it’s all I can do to just keep from crying. From the inside out, I’m being eaten alive, but never quite being able to leave this life.

So hear: I AM. Here, I am. Here, I stand.

When it’s all said and done, I have nothing to lose, unable to think or unable to move from this trap that’s been set for me. Consciously holding me back from everything I have ever wanted. But I’m dying, see. From the inside out, is the only way to explain it, never before have I been able to attain IT.

I can’t even say for sure what “it” is, but I know that IT is, and that I am, but the question remains what will I be? I stand here because I have no choice and given the opportunity, I have no voice. So what does it mean, you ask of me, but I can’t even tell you that. Even writing these words, I’m really just painting myself into a corner, just one more thing I can’t escape from. And the moment I try, I’m left with the tracks leading me back to the one place I dare not go.

The scream bubbles inside threateningly overwhelming, but I stop it as it gets to my lips and swallow, pushing it back into the abyss.

Not ready.

When, will it be time, when will it be mine, so I’m no longer concerned and consumed about to be swallowed myself? & every time the realization comes upon me, I wonder, weakly, if this might be it, the one, the it, but why take that chance, this is where I reside, where I thrive and…I’m not ready for anything else yet.

Do you feel it, do you feel me, you can’t possibly because if you knew what this felt like, I’m pretty certain you would leave too.

So until that day, I bide my time, pacing back and forth, driving a rut between me and this place not sure if this rock-like feeling is internally me or externally seen so long as it’s not eternally me.


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