Definition of Success

It would seem I have succeeded in cutting myself off/pushing away from my family. Not all of them, but some of them. I talked to my aunt today back home..she is the oldest girl, I believe, out of all of my aunts. Her and my mom are REALLY close. I’m pretty sure they would talk like everyday. She asked me if I had heard from anyone else in the family and I told her no. Aside from my sister and..maybe two cousins, I don’t talk to anyone else. Talking to her made me really, really miss my mother. I started to cry on the phone. I haven’t cried in awhile. It felt like it had been stored up. I remember Silent Authority (at least I think it was her) asking me if I felt like I had grieved for my mother. My answer was no. I have and am holding on tightly to this pain, though I don’t always acknowledge it. Today I had a brief glimpse of what is going on inside my heart and I didn’t like it. I think, in part, because this move and starting school is so terrifying to me, it peeks out because in the midst of all of this, I want my mother so badly.

Anyway, I haven’t talked to my family down here in a long time. I have to call them and tell them I’m moving. They don’t know about anything that has happened. They know I got in to school, but don’t know when I’m moving. And they don’t know I had surgery. I don’t know. I told my Big Sis I would call, so I have to or I will never hear the end of it from her lol But I’m definitely not looking forward to it.

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