Thoughts

The message at church yesterday was really good. It dealt with a married couple (Bob & Audrey Meisner) who had survived infidelity and a child that was born as a result of the infidelity. It was amazing to hear their story and how they got through that terrible time in their lives…and how God turned it around for good and helped them to welcome and wholeheartedly love the new little boy who came into their lives. A few points from their story/message are below:

– There is no such thing as a small compromise

– Sin is never satisfied, sin will result in pain

– When you’re in trouble, call out for help..run to, not FROM, the family of God

– When it comes to mistakes we made..that is what we did, but not who we are. The enemy tries to define us by our mistakes

– Jesus paid the price for our sin and shame

It was really good. I’m so glad that I went. Also, part of praise and worship was a singer named Leon Timbo . I really liked his style, voice, presence, etc. I will probably be purchasing some of his music soon..both Little One and I agreed on that lol

Some other things Bob & Audrey talked about was letting go of things. For Audrey, this meant letting go of shame..but I thought about it for me and realized that, for me, it would be letting go of pain. The service was near ending, when they had Leon Timbo back on to sing Israel & New Breed’s “Moving Forward”. I love that song. But I realized that’s something I’m NOT doing. Moving forward.

 Dean told me once that I’m just living..just doing what I have to do to get by, but I’m not really actively living, actively pursuing life. I hate when she says stuff like that because at the time, I was thinking that, but I didn’t want to say it to her..then she just comes out the woodwork and says what I’m thinking lol smh.

 I know that while I’m not exactly in the same place that I was December 8, 2009…I am also not moving forward..or even really trying to move forward. I know that it appears that I am..given everything that is coming up and even in talking about the future. But I know I’m not. I’m holding onto the pain of her death, the hole it and she left in my life and in my heart. I have no desire to learn to live with this (even though that is what I’m doing..it’s confusing, I know), so in an effort not to, I’m clinging to it. I have no longer shut God out completely, but this is the one thing I won’t or don’t talk to Him about. The one area I haven’t surrendered to Him. In part, it is because I am scared. Of what it would mean to let it go, to trust Him again after feeling like I can’t anymore..and then, in part, it is because I feel like by letting “it” go, I’m letting her go..I’m admitting that it is ok to move on from this, to move on from her. And I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to let go of this because I don’t want to live without her. I don’t want to live life with out her. I know I have no choice in the matter, but I also think that as long as I do this and know that I’m doing it, that I will be living a little less. Doing a little less. In some way. It’s funny though because while I’m willing to hold on to the pain..it’s not like it will bring her back. I know that. Yet and still.

These are my thoughts…

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