I think today, for the first time, I missed my mom in a “good” way. I missed her and I didn’t want or feel the need to stop whatever I was doing, whatever I had planned, and go home, get under the covers, and stay there. I thought about things I would like to tell her, things I liked and loved about her..and I smiled inwardly. I FELT myself smile (I say inwardly because the smile did not show on my face). My dean told me that as I let God in and allowed Him to heal my pain that this would happen. I’m not even going to lie; I didn’t believe her when she said it. Well…I did, but then I didn’t. I believed that it was possible, sure, but I didn’t think it was really going to happen. It didn’t last for long, maybe a few seconds. A few minutes at most. I doubted even those few moments would ever come. I’m hesitant to say, “I doubted this day would ever come”, since it was so short. Since it happened, I certainly can’t rule out it happening again, but I’m not necessarily looking for it to happen either. As soon as I realized it, though, I think I started to pull myself away from it. In my head, though I know it isn’t true, embracing this…’moving on/letting [her] go’ or whatever it is, is similar to forgetting her or something. Which is unacceptable and won’t happen. But since I know that isn’t really what it means, I need to work on separating the two.
In any case, those few seconds, or few minutes did happen. While I don’t expect too much from it, one thing it did leave me with, even if it wasn’t a lot of it, was hope.