The Good Kind

I think today, for the first time, I missed my mom in a “good” way. I missed her and I didn’t want or feel the need to stop whatever I was doing, whatever I had planned, and go home, get under the covers, and stay there. I thought about things I would like to tell her, things I liked and loved about her..and I smiled inwardly. I FELT myself smile (I say inwardly because the smile did not show on my face).  My dean told me that as I let God in and allowed Him to heal my pain that this would happen. I’m not even going to lie; I didn’t believe her when she said it. Well…I did, but then I didn’t. I believed that it was possible, sure, but I didn’t think it was really going to happen. It didn’t last for long, maybe a few seconds. A few minutes at most. I doubted even those few moments would ever come. I’m hesitant to say, “I doubted this day would ever come”, since it was so short. Since it happened, I certainly can’t rule out it happening again, but I’m not necessarily looking for it to happen either. As soon as I realized it, though, I think I started to pull myself away from it. In my head, though I know it isn’t true, embracing this…’moving on/letting [her] go’ or whatever it is, is similar to forgetting her or something. Which is unacceptable and won’t happen. But since I know that isn’t really what it means, I need to work on separating the two.

In any case, those few seconds,  or few minutes did happen.  While I don’t expect too much from it, one thing it did leave me with, even if it wasn’t a lot of it, was hope.

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2 thoughts on “The Good Kind

  1. I dont think you will ever forget your mom. But like you said today was different when you thought about her and missed her in a good way. You didn’t want or feel the need to go and get under your covers and stay there. Hold on to that hope because as long as you are open and you allow God in to heal that part of you and don’t run away from it, they will happen a lot more. Look forward to them because I know your mom was smiling when you smiled even if it was on the inside :0)

    I love you Ade *HUGS*

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