Hard

I am having the hardest time writing a blog. For a few days now, I’ve wanted to write. About different things. About how I was so angry, I wanted to punch a wall. I actually did punch my wall in my room, but I wanted to punch it a few times…I don’t think my fists are big or strong enough to create a hole in the wall, but that’s what I wanted to do. Either that or punch until my knuckles bled. Seeing as I’m renting a room though, that probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

I’ve been having some good conversations this week, full of substance and that’s good. I read a blog today about God being your first love. It was on Kelly Needham’s blog (the wife of singer Jimmy Needham). You can read the blog here. I realized God isn’t my first love. I don’t know if He ever has been. Sad to say, but gotta be truthful, right? I mentioned to someone earlier this week that I think I have a hard time applying my love for/to God and God’s love for/to me in a personal way. I know in the grand scheme of things that I love Him and I know that in the grand scheme of things He loves me…but in a personal, intimate way? No. I don’t. So, yea, I wanted to write about that.

I wanted to write about how I feel inadequate in so many ways..this weekend I had some thoughts that Cloud 9 promptly yelled at me for. I was just saying. I just want…yes. I wanted to write about that.

I wanted to write about how I need to do better with my responsibilities as an older sister. And how hard that is.

I wanted to write about so many things…but for some reason I can’t.

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