Good Morrow, Good People!
I had a pretty good weekend. Beta on Friday, Work/Commencement Saturday and Mija’s grad party then chilled at home. Sunday I went out with Ace and got stuff for our gift to dean and chilled some more at home with Unplugged & Cataclysm. I enjoyed it.
Friday night though, I mimed. I haven’t mimed in a loooong time. I mean. A long time for me. I think the last time was..February? Doesn’t seem long, but it is. I chose to do a mime I had done at my dean’s church a few years ago to J. Moss’ , “Don’t Pray & Worry”. I like(d) that song a lot and the mime itself is one that I enjoy doing. I was EXTREMELY nervous though! The whole day I was freaking out for different reasons…I guess miming at a church and at Howard are my comfort zones. Beta was a step outside of that and I was going to be doing it in front of people who may or may know that I mime, but either way probably hadn’t seen me before. But, I did it. People said I did well. I know I messed up and probably didn’t do a lot of things that I was supposed to. A few moves or whatever. But I was glad when it was over. I miss(ed) miming though…so it was nice. I’ve mentioned before that miming is a way for me to express myself. In a lot of ways, I don’t express myself. I can have a very expressionless face lots of time or I won’t say anything. Mime is..I don’t know.
Like stepping. I LOVE to step. I do. Really. I don’t dance. Not seriously. and not in front of people. I may do it as a joke/funny thing because I know people don’t expect it of me, but like..dean’s wedding? Will I be dancing? Probably not. With the exception of the “standard” line dances..I’ll be sitting at my table. lol
But Mime is something else.It’s one way I show God I love Him.
When I put the paint on and my outfit on (complete with gloves lol) all of a sudden, I’m no longer there. With the paint on my face and the gloves on my hands, and in an all black outfit, I can successfully disappear. I’m interesting in that..I don’t like people looking at me. Or staring at me, rather. I don’t like it. But at the same time, I like..I like attention (in a sense) because it makes me feel important and as a person, as a human being on this earth..I don’t feel important. I’m working on that, but it is how I feel. I’m working on separating things from my need to feel validated all the time by people. If I’m doing something, I do genuinely want to do it, but I also know along with that, I will feel important. And maybe other people will think I’m important too. The trouble is, these “things” or “tasks” are fleeting. When they end, I’m left feeling (sometimes, not all the time) empty and non important again. Until I can do something else. But even in doing the things, I constantly doubt and second guess myself, convinced that other people or another person can and will and is doing a better job than me. Like I said, I’m working on it. lol
I like mime because I can use myself to express things maybe I can or can’t say in words. I don’t have to look at the people if I don’t want to. Even if they are looking at me, the paint feels like a mask to me and it’s ok because I’m behind it. I’m not in front with them looking me..It’s almost like an out-of-body experience type thing. I don’t know if it makes sense. But I like to mime. It was recorded, so I may put the link on here later, if anyone is interested in seeing.