When I was in middle school, a boy from my church made a comment about me and that kind of spurred my whole thing about losing weight. I’m not sure about before that, but after I distinctly remember (maybe more obviously in high school) adapting the mindset that I needed to be either skinny or pretty. Since I wasn’t pretty, my only other option was to be skinny. So I set out on this quest to lose weight. Or not gain weight.

In high school, I think it went back and forth. I remember a time where I barely ate. I lost 14 pounds. I was kind of excited. Then in my senior year of high school, I still barely ate because I didn’t want to gain weight. I had 3 good friends my senior year and oddly enough, they did notice and asked me about it. In college, people noticed too. Really though, sometimes I don’t/didn’t  feel hungry. So I didn’t eat. In high school though, I would eat sometimes when I was hungry, sometimes not at all, or I would drink water instead.  At present, I do eat when I’m hungry and sometimes when I’m not because if I ONLY ate when I was hungry, I would only be eating once a day or really really late.

 It wasn’t until I went on line that I actually straight out told people what was going on. I know no one in my family knew about it, I used to think it was because I was so good at hiding at it, but really, I think it was because no one would have expected it from me. So much for my covert spy skills lol I told my mom after I crossed and she actually started to blame herself! I had to tell her it was not her fault at all. I told my sister and I don’t think she believed me. I had to tell my cousin that I used to really struggle with my weight because she kept making jokes about how small I was. The fact of the matter is this- I may be smaller than some people, but in my eyes, I’m not as small as I would like to be or think I should be. People telling me that I’m smaller than them, really increases my resolve that I’m not. My sister thinks I’m skinny. I know I’m not skinny. Yes, I’m smaller than her. But I’m not skinny. I think that’s obvious.

  When people say that I’m small or something similar, it makes me more aware that I’m not and my want/need to lose weight. I know I need to get to the point where I don’t think that just because I weigh a certain amount, it will increase my self-esteem, but honestly, that is kind of where I am. I..I’m not going to say I hate the way I look. But I don’t like it. I’m no longer not eating in an attempt to lose weight. I still have those thoughts/feelings especially because I know it works and it’s easy. But I also know I shouldn’t do it. What I’ve been doing for a while and since I got off line is to be aware of what I eat. I don’t count calories. I know that if I eat a certain thing or what I deem to be too much of a certain thing, the next day I will be thinking about it all day. That happened this weekend. Previously, I would let myself eat whatever I wanted (not like..too too much, but I wouldn’t think about it) and then the next day or two, I wouldn’t eat much. Fruits and veggies, maybe. In HS I wouldn’t eat breakfast. I would have soup for lunch. Salad when I got home. Drink water. Now..I don’t do that. Not only because I know I shouldn’t, but also I’m not sure I could go back to doing it. I haven’t done it in a while and I think..I don’t know. My body isn’t used to that anymore. It may have been bad for me, but to an extent, my body got used to it. I’m not sure I could pull it off now. But I try to just be aware. I won’t eat a piece of cake or something because I know the next day all I will be thinking about is how I ate that cake and I shouldn’t have done it etc, etc, etc. So I won’t eat it or I will have a small piece. What I have also noticed, is that if I’m upset in some way..I can do either one. I can eat..or I can not eat. If I’m annoyed/frustrated/sad/angry…I might eat a lot. Not a LOT LOT, necessarily, but a lot. Regardless of time of day or amount. Or I might be hungry and not eat. *shrugs*

I’m not even sure how to end this. Usually I try to make it ‘sound’ like an ending. But this is the end. lol


One thought on “Pre-Hidden

  1. justlissen says:

    Oh my De-O, I completely agree with you! I think you put into words exactly how I feel. I’m so overly concious of how I’m viewed when I eat because I’m not skinny, that when I reach for the fork I’m exceedingly aware that someone is judging me. And even more now, as I’ve developed this mindset that food has controlled my life for so long that I can’t let it do it anymore, so I don’t eat. I literally refuse to put food anywhere near my mouth. And I won’t let myself feel hunger…
    Anyway, we will be strong together! Love you mucho!

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