When I was in middle school, a boy from my church made a comment about me and that kind of spurred my whole thing about losing weight. I’m not sure about before that, but after I distinctly remember (maybe more obviously in high school) adapting the mindset that I needed to be either skinny or pretty. Since I wasn’t pretty, my only other option was to be skinny. So I set out on this quest to lose weight. Or not gain weight.
In high school, I think it went back and forth. I remember a time where I barely ate. I lost 14 pounds. I was kind of excited. Then in my senior year of high school, I still barely ate because I didn’t want to gain weight. I had 3 good friends my senior year and oddly enough, they did notice and asked me about it. In college, people noticed too. Really though, sometimes I don’t/didn’t feel hungry. So I didn’t eat. In high school though, I would eat sometimes when I was hungry, sometimes not at all, or I would drink water instead. At present, I do eat when I’m hungry and sometimes when I’m not because if I ONLY ate when I was hungry, I would only be eating once a day or really really late.
It wasn’t until I went on line that I actually straight out told people what was going on. I know no one in my family knew about it, I used to think it was because I was so good at hiding at it, but really, I think it was because no one would have expected it from me. So much for my covert spy skills lol I told my mom after I crossed and she actually started to blame herself! I had to tell her it was not her fault at all. I told my sister and I don’t think she believed me. I had to tell my cousin that I used to really struggle with my weight because she kept making jokes about how small I was. The fact of the matter is this- I may be smaller than some people, but in my eyes, I’m not as small as I would like to be or think I should be. People telling me that I’m smaller than them, really increases my resolve that I’m not. My sister thinks I’m skinny. I know I’m not skinny. Yes, I’m smaller than her. But I’m not skinny. I think that’s obvious.
When people say that I’m small or something similar, it makes me more aware that I’m not and my want/need to lose weight. I know I need to get to the point where I don’t think that just because I weigh a certain amount, it will increase my self-esteem, but honestly, that is kind of where I am. I..I’m not going to say I hate the way I look. But I don’t like it. I’m no longer not eating in an attempt to lose weight. I still have those thoughts/feelings especially because I know it works and it’s easy. But I also know I shouldn’t do it. What I’ve been doing for a while and since I got off line is to be aware of what I eat. I don’t count calories. I know that if I eat a certain thing or what I deem to be too much of a certain thing, the next day I will be thinking about it all day. That happened this weekend. Previously, I would let myself eat whatever I wanted (not like..too too much, but I wouldn’t think about it) and then the next day or two, I wouldn’t eat much. Fruits and veggies, maybe. In HS I wouldn’t eat breakfast. I would have soup for lunch. Salad when I got home. Drink water. Now..I don’t do that. Not only because I know I shouldn’t, but also I’m not sure I could go back to doing it. I haven’t done it in a while and I think..I don’t know. My body isn’t used to that anymore. It may have been bad for me, but to an extent, my body got used to it. I’m not sure I could pull it off now. But I try to just be aware. I won’t eat a piece of cake or something because I know the next day all I will be thinking about is how I ate that cake and I shouldn’t have done it etc, etc, etc. So I won’t eat it or I will have a small piece. What I have also noticed, is that if I’m upset in some way..I can do either one. I can eat..or I can not eat. If I’m annoyed/frustrated/sad/angry…I might eat a lot. Not a LOT LOT, necessarily, but a lot. Regardless of time of day or amount. Or I might be hungry and not eat. *shrugs*
I’m not even sure how to end this. Usually I try to make it ‘sound’ like an ending. But this is the end. lol