I wrote in my Xanga blog before (not sure if here too) that I don’t like dressing up. I don’t like fitted clothes. “Typical” clothes that most girls like to wear, I don’t.

I don’t like dresses.

 A skirt..MAYBE.

Dresses, definitely not.

I’m wearing a dress to my dean’s wedding because she said I have to and..well, she’s my dean. I have no choice lol At this point, I would have to find a dress I really, really, really, liked to even wear one at my own wedding. If I’m invited out to dinner or somewhere, my first question is usually, “do I have to dress up”? If the answer is yes…idk. Not saying I won’t go, but I’ll have to like prepare myself and think carefully about what I have. Odds are I will still wear pants. Heels are a maybe also, but they are not comfortable, so I tend to stick to sneakers or flats. I walk a lot, so I need to be able to walk in shoes. Although, if I’m getting a ride, I won’t mind too much.

I went shopping with Cloud 9 yesterday and it was a lot of fun. The whole day was great. I re-realized something though:

While I do honestly like my clothes, my style and all of that, SOME (read: SOME. not ALL) of what I wear is an effort to hide what I don’t like about myself/my body. I like to be hidden. Prefer it, actually.

That is ONE reason I don’t like fitted clothing. Another reason is because it makes me feel exposed. If I’m wearing something that I consider fitted, not even necessarily tight, just fitted..odds are I will have some type of jacket with me or on me. I like to be covered up  unless it’s unbearably hot. That being said..there are some things/articles of clothing I just genuinely like. I like cargo pants. I like cargo shorts. I don’t like “girl” shorts because they are typically not only tighter, but shorter than I would like them to be.  I only started wearing capris like 2 years ago.

It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I can slowly, but surely figure out clothes and a style that I like. That is me. But it bothers me and sometimes hurts me when I feel like people are looking down on me or that I’m less of a woman or less feminine because I don’t wear fitted clothes, flats or heels all the time or certain shirts. I’m a jeans and t-shirts kind of girl. Most of the time, I feel very “other” or different from women in general. Even with my sisters, sometimes. We can all be hanging out and I can’t help but notice the differences in my dress and theirs. I appreciate and I love..with all my heart, people who love me for me. There are a few people I can think off the top of my head, who don’t care how I dress unless it’s for a specific occasion. Would I show up to a wedding in cargo shorts? or jeans and a t-shirt? No! But if I don’t have to dress up, I won’t. And the funny thing is, what most people consider casual/regular, is dressing up for me. And if I don’t like to dress up, I’m not going to be wearing things like that all the time.

The sad thing is, society broadcasts the message that for a woman to be noticed by a man, she has to look a certain way and dress a certain way. Sometimes I think about this and I wonder…I know what I can wear or put on in my closet that will get me attention. But those clothes aren’t ME. They aren’t who I am. Is it worth it?  Because I’m not like that..will noone notice me? I don’t think so. Although sometimes that’s how I feel. That can be another post though.


One thought on “Hiding

  1. justlissen says:

    Whats the difference between a person who dresses up all the time, wears makeup, labors over their hair… all in effort to present the best image and thus hide or mask the inner turmoil they feel will escape through the creavice? I personally like the way you dress. I feel like you’re always casual, always comfortable… and I’m not. I’m not comfortable in what I wear or how I look, but I try so hard to ALWAYS present the best image so that people won’t see the real me (?)… the insecure, unacceptable, unworthy… me. I think it’s a game that we all play, but I hope that with each other, we won’t have to. Love you!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂

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