So yesterday was my mother’s birthday. Fortunately/unfortunately/surprisingly, I spent the day without any real…I don’t know “ordeals” I guess you could say. I left the house and went downtown for a bit then had dinner with my cousin’s (lovely btw and also acquired some pretti delicious produce cuz they are GREAT..the cuzins, not the produce). A few times throughout the day, though, I would kind of ask myself “so…are you ok?”
Sidebar: this reminds me of how I suddenly came upon the fact that sometimes I realize emotions, I don’t just feel them. I’ll be sitting around and REALIZE I’m happy. Like some type of grand discovery or something. Interesting. But I digress.
So I asked myself this question and I guess I would answer “Yes, I’m ok” or “Yes, I’m fine”. But I also kinda got the feeling that I wasn’t really feeling at all. In truth, whatever was going on in my head or whatever, if anything, was more neutral than ok. I told ISO it was like anything that i should have felt or that should have “happened” that day was being held off, by me or by something until a later date. I think maybe I felt some of that today.
I think with every new thing, especially something big, I’ll definitely feel my mom’s absence more. It’s more than just a physical presence, because I didn’t necessarily see her often, but we talked often. Sometimes, though, I miss her presence, just knowing she’s “here” or “there” so much, it boils down to almost a physical type of hurt.
Today I wanted to call her at lunch to tell her how things were going. Tonight I wanted to call her to get some reassurance/encouragement/pep talk or whatever. And I’d do the same thing tomorrow morning. Call her on the walk home and the walk to work. That’s the way it is.