Awhile ago I had a conversation about jealousy…but it ended with a new term/take on it- a fear of abandonment. I googled the definition of abandonment and found a few of them, but the one that stuck out to me was the following:
vacate: leave behind empty; move out of
When I thought about jealousy as it relates to me, I think there is a “fear of abandonment” in there as well. I don’t know if it’s that I’m trying to find an excuse for jealousy or if the abandonment thing is in the jealousy, but that is what I’m afraid of. I love to help people. Especially those I love and care about. I’ve been that way as long as I can remember. If I can help, I will. If I can’t help, I still will or will find a way to. But what I’ve also come to realize is I tend to feel like I have to be everything to everyone. Which definitely has its ups and downs. A down is that for people who will or will try to take advantage of me because of that. Try to take me for all I’m worth, because they know I’ll give it (Praise God I’ve learned to say no when I need to). An up…I don’t know. I guess it helps my relationships, but I also know or would like to think that my relationships aren’t as great as they are just because I’ll give whatever to someone if they need it, you know? But deep down, I have this fear that the people I care about the most will stop loving/liking me. That my relevance in their lives will all of a sudden go up in smoke. Not so much that I won’t be wanted anymore…but that I won’t be needed anymore. And the thought of that…I just don’t know what to do with that. It’s something I’m currently…”struggling” doesn’t seem like the right word. But something I’m dealing with. It’s definitely a step-by-step, day-by-day process. But it’s hard. Harder than I thought and not something I expected. I suspect I’ve always felt like this…I know I have, but I’ve been able to keep it more or less dormant for the better part of my life. Now that it is so active, it’s like a knife in my chest that I’m struggling to take out, but with each movement to get it out, it causes such pain. And at the end of the day, I’m not really sure if I’m working on getting it out or just getting used to the pain.