My mom told me once that she hoped I learned to deal/express emotions in a healthy way. Sometime during my college career I became more aware that I tended to stifle whatever it was I was feeling. I think to an extent, if I wasn’t sure that I what I felt was “valid”, I didn’t want to show it. So I didn’t. Now, you know, I’m more aware of that…ever the analytical one, I’d still prefer to figure out why I’m feeling what I am before I voice it or show it, but I tend to do that rather quickly instead of just not showing it or whatever. If that even makes sense.
I feel like now…I can’t separate things. My mom’s death is all rolled up into everything, making it hard for me to decipher why I feel a certain way. Do I feel this way because of whatever specific thing is going on? Or is it somehow related to her absence? Maybe that means something…maybe it means I’m not trying to deal with how I feel so I’m “blaming” it on her not being here. I’m not trying though…it just happens. I think maybe because if she were here, I’d talk to her about it. But she’s not…so I’m like well..if she were here would I still be like this? Odds are I would, I suppose lol But odds are she’d help too. Maybe that matters? Idk.