It’s hard coming from a place where you don’t talk about anything to talking about things. From people not knowing you and being ok with that to people knowing you a lot better than you thought they did and being extra surprised at the things they do know, especially if you didn’t tell them.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know myself as well as these other people know me. That’s a problem, isn’t it? If they know me better than I know me? I’m not sure if that’s really the case or if that’s just the way I “feel”. And I don’t like that feeling..noone should know me better than me, I think, except God. For a long time I shut so much out, kept so much of me away from me and the world, that I think it’s taking time for me take it all back. So many things I didn’t experience or think when I was a “kid”, now those things are coming back. It’s like everything is coming full circle. Interesting, isn’t it? Especially with my emotions. I was “known” (for lack of a better word) for keeping a stone face at all times. My face never betrayed whether I was happy,sad,angry,excited, etc. etc. etc. More often than not I would realize that I felt an emotion. It would come upon me, creeping up and all of a sudden: “Oh. I’m happy.” My mother was constantly saying to me, after I told her some piece of exciting news, that I didn’t sound excited because I relayed my news in a such a monotone voice. Even now, I tend to do the same thing. I don’t have a problem with it, but I have been told that it is an issue. Why do I answer the phone the way I do, for example. Why I show more emotion when I see some people than when I see others. I am constantly trying to explain to people that the tone of my voice is not necessarily an accurate representation of the way I feel or what I am thinking. Some people get it better than it others lol I am working on it, but….at the same time..sometimes I feel like if I tell you that….realize it! lol But I am kinda working on it.


2 thoughts on “Untitled

  1. jamcalpin says:

    Ade I know exactly what you mean, about the emotions and kinda conveying the wrong message.  I’ve been known to do that, and I’ve definitely been praying and talking to God about it.  It definitely takes sometime, but if you ask God to address that issue He will eventually…probably at a time you don’t want Him too, but that’s how Dad is you know? God bless & much love,

  2. I like this Ade..the realization that is. I got a major light bulb moment from it. I’m guilty of this too except for the most  part I can’t keep a straight face/ tone down the sarcasm in my voice . I never really considered it a a real problem until I read this and Jamiel’s comment. This is good to know! 

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