It’s hard coming from a place where you don’t talk about anything to talking about things. From people not knowing you and being ok with that to people knowing you a lot better than you thought they did and being extra surprised at the things they do know, especially if you didn’t tell them.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t know myself as well as these other people know me. That’s a problem, isn’t it? If they know me better than I know me? I’m not sure if that’s really the case or if that’s just the way I “feel”. And I don’t like that feeling..noone should know me better than me, I think, except God. For a long time I shut so much out, kept so much of me away from me and the world, that I think it’s taking time for me take it all back. So many things I didn’t experience or think when I was a “kid”, now those things are coming back. It’s like everything is coming full circle. Interesting, isn’t it? Especially with my emotions. I was “known” (for lack of a better word) for keeping a stone face at all times. My face never betrayed whether I was happy,sad,angry,excited, etc. etc. etc. More often than not I would realize that I felt an emotion. It would come upon me, creeping up and all of a sudden: “Oh. I’m happy.” My mother was constantly saying to me, after I told her some piece of exciting news, that I didn’t sound excited because I relayed my news in a such a monotone voice. Even now, I tend to do the same thing. I don’t have a problem with it, but I have been told that it is an issue. Why do I answer the phone the way I do, for example. Why I show more emotion when I see some people than when I see others. I am constantly trying to explain to people that the tone of my voice is not necessarily an accurate representation of the way I feel or what I am thinking. Some people get it better than it others lol I am working on it, but….at the same time..sometimes I feel like if I tell you that….realize it! lol But I am kinda working on it.