Happfulness

I keep wanting to write but then don’t. Or starting but don’t finish. Hoping to just get some things down tonight.

Life is going okay. I’m working on happiness in my life. There are definitely some things I’m happy about: relationship, higher salary, new apartment. But some things I’m not so happy about as well. I think, in this post, I’ll focus on the things I am happy about/grateful for.

I’m in a relationship with someone who loves me. It’s difficult because sometimes I’m tempted to wonder if it’s fake. It’s hard to accept love when you don’t think you deserve it. However, I’m grateful for vacation planning and the thought that went into the possibility of traveling an extra 2 hours to take me to the Harry Potter theme park. Asking me to smile because it makes him happy. [Almost] no matter what happens, I hope I can remember that it is possible for me to be loved, and I deserve it.

Higher salary because it’s allowed me to save and start to pay down my credit card in a way that doesn’t help me feel as strapped for cash. I’m also able to pay the devil that is my student loan payment.

New apartment because 4 walls and no roaches! Also (for both the new and old apartment), for friends who allow me to make their home my home. Last summer was rough #WontHeDoIt

 

Presents

Mother’s Day is coming up. Soon to be followed by Father’s Day. I don’t like this time of year because I’m bombarded by ads all over the place telling me where to get “the best gift for mom”. Even if I wasn’t watching tv, I saw a sign on a restaurant door or a couple emails in my inbox. Can’t escape it. 

In the past, a friend or two have suggested doing something to remember/honor my mother (or father) on these days or their birthdays. Rarely do I take follow that advice, but sometimes I think about it. My selfish wish for Mother’s Day would be to take my mom out to brunch or dinner and discuss my life. In real life, I probably wouldn’t do this. In real life, it’d be all about her. But I think this because it’s been almost 8 years since I’ve had a conversation for her. So, of course, my wish is to sit down and have these grand discussions. About M, seminary and how it sparked a change in everything I thought I knew, my job, my uncertainty about my life, my insecurities, my fights with my sister (or other family members), friends…

Even though I like to think I’d talk about it all openly with her, the truth is I don’t know if I would. 

All I know is that I would love the opportunity. 

Oh So Perfect

I was going to start this off by saying “lately”, but I realized that would be me being dishonest with myself and the blogging universe (lol). I don’t know if it’s been always but for a long time I’ve been preoccupied with this idea of comparison and perfection. Or, if not perfection exactly, the constant worry of what people think about me. And it sucks. Completely. It’s interesting because there are some times/things where I really don’t care. Then, there are others, when I can’t seem to let it go. At times it comes down to how do I or my things hold up to these other things or people. As usual, it’s very painful. I know I shouldn’t do it (and usually tell myself so), but sometimes it almost feels like I can’t help it. Which is terrible, I know.

I compare myself to my friends.

I compare my relationship or myself in my relationship.

I compare my life as a whole.

It all comes down to me feeling inadequate.

I’m not _______________ enough.

I’m not enough.

 

I’ve struggled with this for a long time, almost as long as I can remember. I’m pretty sure I’ve written about it before. I’ve talked about it in counseling before.

I’m constantly trying to fight this because it’s an obstacle to living. It distracts me from life while also chipping away from my personal significance and how I relate to those around me.

But, oh, the difficulty.

“Comparisons deplete the actuality of the things compared… ” – William S. Wilson

Organized Chaos

I’ve been wanting to write a post for awhile, but haven’t gotten around to it. I feel like work (and life) keeps me either busy or tired. When I do have time to myself, I spend it sleeping or watching something online. I’ve realized I haven’t been reading as much lately either. I want/need to make that more of a priority, but even that’s hard when all I want to do is lay down most of the time. 

Let’s play catch up…

I turned 29 last month. That’s weird. I feel old, but I’m also quickly reminded of how young I still am, in many ways. Thinking back, I think I expected my life to be different. I thought I’d somehow have my life figured out by now, and I don’t. I feel more confused than ever. Who knew that being an adult would feel so..unadult-like?  I thought I’d be more stable by now, and, though I’m doing ok, I’m not where I’d like to be. That’s fine though, I know there’s time for that. Well. Theoretically it’s fine. In reality, I may or may not be freaking out about it on some level lol 
What else…I didn’t expect to have a boyfriend, a nice, albeit odd, occurrence that happened a few months before my birthday. I was able to experience Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and my birthday with him. It’s odd for a variety of reasons, but wrestling with my insecurities has taken on a new turn with him in my life. He’s aware of them, and speaks to them at times, but I try to do my part as well. As usual, I find myself overthinking and over analyzing things…using my logical side to talk myself out of (or into) things. I have some trust issues that make me not want to be too…anything (too happy, too trusting, etc.) but I am trying to live in the moment and not get caught up in things I shouldn’t, while also being ‘common sense’ about things. I do think we mesh well though. We’re similar in many ways and very different in others. Of course, I think about my parents and wishing they could meet him. Wishing I could talk to my mother about things because this is new for me. I have, however, found some comfort in close friends who allow me to talk when I need it. Then, I suppose, I have the blog when I want to just write…and my thoughts are my constant companion, of course.

I’m also planning to attend 4 weddings this year. 3 friends and 1 family member. It’ll be a busy year. The first one is in a few weeks and I’m excited. A little nervous about the bridesmaid dress, but it’s lovely so I think I’ll be ok. Hopefully. Lol 

Lastly (for now), is that I’m trying to figure out what in the world I’m going to do with myself in life. I’m no longer sure I want to teach lol one thing that remains certain is my desire to work with/concerning the international  community. I’m just unsure about the capacity. I need to spend some time seriously considering what it is I want to do. I’ve realized that so much of me is caught up in what I feel is expected of me, and I don’t like that. I’ve prided myself on being able to fit in most places…as an introvert, it’s a handy skill. But I have to be careful too and make sure that I still remain true to myself. 

This is getting long so, I’ll stop here for now. Thanks for listening. 

Golden Slumbers

I had a dream about my mother last night. It was wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time. In typical dream fashion, when I first awoke the dream was so clear. Now, I can feel it getting dimmer; the details slipping from my grasp. 

I was making my rounds saying goodbye to friends and coworkers. I remember not being sure where I was going. I thought I might be staying in the area (wherever the area was), but I wasn’t positive. So, I told people I’d let them know. I distinctly remember being in the car with my mother, and her waiting for me while I ran inside another building to say my goodbyes. I approached a friend of mine, A, gave her a hug, and told her my mom was waiting for me/my mom was here. 

A pulled back from me, met my eyes, and said, “No, she’s not.”

Perplexed, I willed myself to recall the image of my mother in the car waiting for me. This was successful so, puzzled, I looked at A and said, “…yes. She is. She’s downstairs.” 

This is where the details are starting to escape me. I’m not sure if she told me once more or just let me keep talking/gave me another hug. I do remember, clearly, the moment I realized that she was right. I grabbed her and fell to my knees, tears in my eyes. It was like seeing the truth for the first time. The memory of her waiting just downstairs had been replaced with the knowledge that she died some time ago. 

“You’re right,” I said, “She’s not.” 

Change Always Coming

It’s normal for there to be highs and lows in life, right?

One of the many, unfortunate normals of life, I suppose.

There are some changes happening in my life, and I’m happy about them. For different reasons, including selfish ones. But I’ve found as they become closer and closer to taking place, it also makes me long to have my mother here. I wonder if I’m the only one or if my sister feels the same way. I’m sure she does.

I made a trip home recently. I usually don’t like going home…and tend to shy away from large family gatherings. As nice as these things are (I’ve written before), they tend to remind me more that my mother isn’t (t)here. This time was different though. We stayed with different people throughout the week. There was a fairly large family gathering. There was also some family drama (of course lol). But it was good. It was the first time, in a long time, that it wasn’t awful being home.  I guess that’s good. I’m sure it is..and I’m sure that means something.

But right now…I’ve given myself a timeframe for accomplishing things I want to do. One way or another it involves me moving this time next year. My sister is making some changes of her own. I know she’s nervous about it, I would be too. But I think it’s good for her. Change, however, makes us, almost involuntarily, want to look to our parents.

That’s the hard part. Looking for people who aren’t here. Not knowing, at times, who to turn instead. Or knowing, but still..it just not quite being right. For some reason I’m scared about my moments of longing for my mother overwhelms me…in this season of change I’ll be in not-quite-completely-new surroundings. And I’m not sure how I’ll express myself…or if I will. That will be something I’ll have to work on.

I saw the following quote on Goodreads semi-recently:

“A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones.” – Kristin Hannah, Summer Island 

It’s been almost 6 years. SIX years. I still can’t believe it. Almost 2 for my father. My age doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, I’m still a little girl wanting her parents.

I screenshot the quote when I saw it. Sometimes I feel like I’m drawn to sad things. But I don’t need to be reminded of this quote. It actually embodies some of what I read in a book about women whose mothers have died. Quite accurate it is. I think I keep thinking that it’ll get easier the older I get. Even though I know it’s not true. In some ways, it actually seems to be ‘getting’ worse.

& Now

I moved. Super happy for the big picture. I wasn’t at all happy where I was. Although I had semi-recently formed some friendships…so I was sad to leave those, but I know our friendship won’t end just because I’m not there. Being laid off from your job definitely has pros/cons. I keep telling myself (and others) that I’m trying to look at this as an opportunity. As I was telling my cousin yesterday, if I hadn’t been laid off, I’m not sure when I would have moved/left. Despite my desire to leave, I was also afraid of quitting my job to just pick up and move. But part of that decision was taken away from me, so here I am lol

It’s been pretty good so far. I’ve missed the city, the diversity, the food, my friends. Still looking for a job, but that’s to be expected. I was talking to my cousin yesterday about my future and not getting stuck again. I’ve never been a risk taker, but I’m at the point in my life where many things are a risk. Especially if I want to continue on this search for happiness. Here I’m reminding myself that the word I chose for this year was endeavor. Which, for me, includes some aspect of risk. I don’t like that lol But I guess that’s why it’s good.

This weekend my uncle has been visiting…I haven’t seen him in a long while, so it’s been nice. He’s also helping his daughter with some things around the house and his granddaughter with some things. Sometimes I get sad watching them. That’s why I decided to write here, it’s one way for me to express the combination of: being happy to see him, happy seeing him help and just the dynamic of his relationship with the two of them..plus my own sadness/memories.

Anyway. I’m definitely going to try to be more intentional with my pursuit of employment.  I’m not trying to have more jobs I dislike…escaping from darkness can be liberating, but the threat still lingers..and I don’t want to go back to that place.